Tell her what she's won, Vanna

My mom and I have started saying "Que paso en los pantalones?" when we change Georgie's diaper. It should be a game show...WHAT HAPPENED IN YOUR PANTS?? Unfortunately it's usually not a winning result.

Yo Adrian

Working on a huge project for work this week and trying to get approx. 150 boxes mailed out by Friday so I can have some semblance of a Christmas break. Then the nightmare continues through mid January. It's one of those things where it's so close I'm freaking out, but it's also so close it will be over soon. Hopefully I will still be employed at the end of it all. Otherwise I have a sore, bruised body (due to all the manual labor involved in loading, packing and reloading literally thousands of items) for nothing.

Woman Crush Wednesday - a day early

Saw Michelle Obama last night during her Becoming book tour. She is so amazing. Beautiful, smart, funny, accomplished, and yet somehow relatable and real. I want to be her. Or I at least want to be friends with her. My favorite story was Sasha meeting the Pope at age 8, and her one takeaway was he was missing part of his thumb. Heart-eye emoji, people.

Riddle me this

There's a guy at work who drives a Maserati SUV. And he's not the CEO. Maybe I should just stay in my lane because I own a Jeep, so who am I to talk, but it's not a very attractive automobile. If you have the money to buy a Maserati, why wouldn't you get the sporty version that the company is known for? And then just get a Lexus SUV like everyone else?

Rant over.

Because #2018

Every year we have a Santa party where I ask one of the guys at work to dress up so employee kids can come get a photo. And this year, I picked a black guy. I was slightly concerned with how this would go (and so was he, tbh), but it was awesome. Kids don't care. A few cried - but a few always do - and the other ones just sat on his lap like it was no biggie. If that's not a lesson for how we should all behave, I don't know what is.

I'll drink to that. (Or maybe not)

I realized recently that I haven't had a sip of alcohol since early 2016. Maybe late 2015, but I probably had a glass of something in January or February. I was doing fertility treatments all of 2016, was pregnant most of 2017 and was breastfeeding most of 2018. Isn't that crazy? The craziest part: I don't miss it. I only miss the social aspect - awkward going to happy hour and having water. But man. Maybe THAT'S why I'm seeing numbers on the scale that I haven't seen in years. Hmmmm

Merry! Or just Meh

Georgie got her Christmas card/1 year photos taken on Saturday, and did not crack a smile once. Not even when trying icing for the first time. I had envisioned a card saying JOY! with her adorable toothy grin, so had to scratch that and go back to the drawing board. Too bad they don't have a Humbug! card. Sheesh.

Spoiled child alert

So I bought this felt 3-D Christmas tree online about a month ago for Georgie to play with, and it never came. I ended up buying another one from Amazon which she absolutely loves. And of course today the original one arrived. So now we have two. And she is suuuuuuper pumped about it.

Let's play Hardball!

My mom is an avid MSNBC viewer. I enjoy Morning Joe, so I get it, but she watches every day from around 4-7pm. This includes Hardball with Chris Matthews. Georgie just loves him. Like hears his voice and toddles over to the tv to giggle and point. So I think I might tell her that's her dad. You know..."Georgie, daddy works on TV and he is very busy. But you can still see him every day..."

Just kidding. Sort of.

Tick tock

Tip: when you decorate for Christmas in mid-November, Christmas feels 100 years away. Not that it's a bad thing, but MAN. December 5, really??

No dads, no problem!

On Sunday my single mom group got together again - this time with babies - and it was hilarious. Seven moms, one mom-to-be, and 8 babies (one brave lady has two), ranging in age from 3 to 6 months. Somehow no tears and only one vomit situation. Hopefully we can continue getting together a few times a year - it's nice to be around other people in your same situation who get it. Of course, I actually am one of the lucky ones, because a few don't have any family here so they are literally doing it alone. More power to y'all. Dang. Respect.

Welp

Georgie did great. No tears at all. She went to Mrs Claus and had no meltdowns with Santa. Although she didn't seem to care much for him one way or another:

Still: better than the alternative...

It's ho time

Taking Georgie to see Santa tomorrow and bracing for the worst. I have a feeling she will throw a total fit, but I guess it makes for amusing photos, no?

Okay, NOW you can applaud

Weighed myself this morning, and I'm in the 120s! (Very high end, but still - there was a 2 there.) I haven't been in the 120s since...the 90s? When I was actually IN my 20s? Or maybe high school? Thanks, stopping breastfeeding and having gum graft surgery!

No applause please

Guys. I have kept a human alive for 11 months. Let's just take a moment and recognize how amazing that is. Especially when you consider I had no idea what I was doing (and still don't). What a wild and incredible almost-year!!

I couldn't help but wonder...

(nice Sex and the City shout-out, no?)

Why do things break two weeks after the one-year warranty ends? GRRRRRRR

Only thing missing is black friday shopping

I had quite the productive/crazy Thanksgiving weekend:

• Made cranberry sauce
• Made pumpkin cake (did not taste good, but the point is I cooked it)
• Made my sweet potato/apple casserole
• Made 2 batches of cookies
• Made soup
• Watched Crazy Rich Asians (amazing!!)
• Watched UNC lose to Texas (tragic!!)
• Hung outside lights in the back yard
• Made little ornaments with Georgie's face on them
• Went up a size on my eyelash extensions (and they are amaze)
• Watched about 7 Hallmark Channel Christmas movies
• Played with Georgie!!!!
• Attempted to take her 11 month(!?) pictures
• Did yoga for the first time in like 9 months (soreness!!)
• ATE

Phew. It's like a relief to be back at work where I can relax. And I know my mom feels the same way!

Sweet peas

We (or should I say I) adopted four angels from the Salvation Army Angel Tree this year at the office. I wanted to adopt them all! Most of the babies need car seats, which makes you wonder what they are currently using, and the sweet 4-year-old boy I chose needs jeans and wants a toy dinosaur. DONE and DONE little guy. People at the office were so excited and got everything all four kids needed within days. It's going to be a very Merry Christmas indeed!

Crazytown, population me

So I have to put together 6000 gift bags from Dec 17-21. 6000. I have two people helping me and not much else going on, but am I insane to think this will happen in 5 days?

(Don't answer that)

smh. and crying.

Really the only reason for Vanilla Ice to have a baby.

(And I guess he did!)
#iceicebaby

Pucker up. (Or F*cker up)

I need more lipstick like a hold in the head, but had to have these.

It helps to admit when you have a problem, right?

Just thought I would share the list of irrational fears I have had since becoming a mother. (yes, I added one just this morning.) And they ARE irrational. I know that. But still...

Kind of like when I had braces and rubber bands. Kind of.

Can I just tell you how annoying it is to have stitches in your mouth for two weeks? And by the time I get them out, it will be almost four weeks. So that's doubly annoying. They keep coming loose and just hang in my mouth/on my teeth. Seriously it's super annoying. And doesn't look all that attractive, either. On the plus side, I have lost like 6 pounds. But the ANNOYANCE. #overit

These aren't your 80s cartoons

So I watched Storks over the weekend. And cried. Georgie actually watched quite a bit of it (she is getting her top teeth and is a snotty, sick, drooly mess), but even SHE didn't cry. Damn you, animated features!

Another day, another mass shooting in America

WHEN IS ENOUGH ENOUGH?! This is the 307th mass shooting in this country in 2018. At this rate we will probably have one mass shooting for every day of the year. I have been upset about this for a long time, but now that I'm a parent I simply cannot comprehend how this can keep happening and our government can just sit idly by (counting the money from the NRA). It's enough to make a person want to run for office. I also sort of blame our founding fathers for this. If it wasn't in the Constitution, it would be a whole lot easier to legislate.

Oh and by the way - NO WE DON'T WANT TO TAKE AWAY YOUR DAMN GUNS. CHILL THE F OUT.

Welp.

Not exactly the "blue wave" I was hoping for, and fairly crushed (albeit not surprised) about Beto, but at least last night accomplished something. And at this point, I'll take it where I can get it. #lawyerup
#beto2020

Election Day

Hydrocodone really lives up to the hype

Had gum graft surgery on Thursday. I am not a pain meds person, so assumed I would be giving the entire prescription of hydrocodone to a lucky recipient. But GOOD LORD. I took one when I got home, and was literally counting the minutes to be able to take another one in four hours. After that I was miraculously cured and felt like jumping around the house (but due to four areas of stitches inside my mouth, I did not.) Took one more before bed and never had to take another one, but lordy that first day was brutal.

To sum up, I get it now. This drug is a wonder. But it still makes me very nervous and I was glad to give it away!

Kids today. SMH

Something I learned while passing out Halloween candy: give the kids the candy, not the candy bowl. I was trying to be cool and let them pick the candy they wanted, but instead of taking 1-2 pieces they took HANDFULS. Some took THREE HANDFULS. I mean, a good way to get rid of candy, but Jesus. Lesson learned. #pigs

They won Halloween.

Of all the celebrities I follow, I have to say Jessica Simpson and her bff Cacee Cobb won Halloween.

Happy Halloween!

It was hard, but I only bought one costume for Georgie this year. She has been wearing it since the first Halloween party on October 13, so it's lost some of its luster, but what a cute bumblebee she is. And I of course am the beekeeper. NOT a "sexy" beekeeper, either.

Do they even MAKE a slutty beekeeper costume? Couldn't find one online, but here are some NSFW sexy bees that Georgie will NOT bee:

I mean the one on the left? You can't BEE serious.

I really need this sweater.

There's a big tip in it for you

Shout-out to our poor waiter on Saturday night afternoon (yes we ate dinner at like 4:30). We went to the Lot, a neighborhood place where you can sit outside. It was nice so we got a table out back. The hostess warned us of "aggressive" bees that had stung 3 people that day. We thought we could handle it, but they were all over the place and I certainly didn't want Georgie to get stung. So we moved inside (after G threw her veggie pouch on the ground and it got covered in dirt and was deemed unsalvageable). I ordered her a peanut butter and honey sandwich off the kids menu, and after she took one bite I remembered that babies aren't allowed to HAVE honey before a year old because of botulism. Freaking out, I called the pediatric nurse hotline. The nurse thought I was freaked out about the peanut butter, but nope. She said she couldn't remember what symptoms to look for (it had been so long since someone had asked - ha), but emailed me later to look out for "descending paralysis" (great!). Apparently the risk of botulism is very small, but it's greater if it's unpasteurized/raw honey. So my mom asked our poor waiter to bring us the bottle of honey they use. It was a giant container and he was very confused, bless his heart. Finally we were packing up to leave and Georgie managed to rip out the earring in one of my newly-repierced ears. I looked all over for it but never found it. (And of course the waiter came out and saw me doing this - I'm sure he thought we were INSANE.)

We left a good tip. And my mom left her to-go box. Yay for wild Saturday nights afternoons!

Why you should never leave your laptop open with a baby in the room

I look away for 5 minutes and somehow she has made my desktop sideways with gigantic icons. Perhaps she will be a computer programmer?

Another day, another horrible headline

Is it any surprise someone is sending bombs to Democrats, including Hillary Clinton and the Obamas? We have a president who incites violence practically on a daily basis. The one remedy: VOTE. Vote vote vote vote vote vote vote

From old lady to teen in three hours

Got a mammogram on Friday - my first in 2 years (due to being pregnant and breastfeeding). I was nervous about only being 3 weeks out of nursing, but the tech said she would just explain to the doctor why my images looked so "busy." Ha.

Then I went and got my ears pierced. This completed the circle of getting my lobes cut and stitched back together, which is great, but it sure felt weird to get my ears pierced again after like 30 years. Of course, I wasn't thrilled with the earrings I chose and am now stuck with for 6 weeks, so I tried to take them out on night one. Big mistake. Huge. So much blood. It's all fun and games until I have to go back again to get them repierced because the holes grew back. Again.

Oh dear.

Check out some pics from the Trump visit to Houston tonight in support of Ted Cruz:

As you can see, one of the shirts says "Suck it up, buttercup." Lovely. Please no one buy any of this for me. K thanks.

I'm no Ina

I cooked twice this weekend - one successful result (white bean spinach and parmesan soup), one not-so-successful (gluten free chicken pot pie). My mom said I am too busy on the weekends and shouldn't cook. I said "but it helps you!" She said "no, it really doesn't."

Cue the cardigan switching

I have officially watched my first episode of Daniel Tiger. (With Georgie, obviously - I'm not a total weirdo) Not as terrible as I thought - especially because it's based on Mr Rogers! Can't go wrong with a little "hi, neighbor."

Name that tune

I think I have mentioned how much I love catching "My Favorite Song" on Radio Andy (Sirius XM). This morning's got me thinking how I would answer some of these. It's tougher than you think!

Favorite love song: I Will Always Love You (Dolly Parton version)

Favorite song to dance to: I Gotta Feeling (Black Eyed Peas)

Favorite sad song: Puff the Magic Dragon (I'm sorry - this song KILLS me)

Favorite song from a musical: On My Own (Les Mis)

Favorite rock song: You Shook Me All Night Long (AC/DC)

Favorite song from high school: Return to Innocence (Enigma)/ Stay (Lisa Loeb)

Favorite workout song: Lose Yourself (Eminem)

Serious question.

WHY DOES BRITNEY POSE LIKE THIS.

I mean really. Could she look more awkward/uncomfortable? It's Britney, bitch! Let it go!

Mom win!

Well it got off to a rocky start (see previous post), but I kept the baby alive all by myself for three days! My mom went to Austin on Friday morning and came back Sunday afternoon. Georgie was perfect, aside from apparently dropping to one nap a day (dear god no). We went to a Halloween party and she was totally chill around the other kids, and I took her to music class at church yesterday morning and she was totally chill there too. (Did not stay for actual church and I think everyone saw us leave, but whatev)

I'm going to miss that little bug today. Sigh.

Mom fail

Well, sign me up for the Bad Mom Club. And I don't mean the movie. Georgie fell out of her high chair this morning. I was at the sink, washing out her bowl, and boom. She seems fine - of course I wanted to take her to get a cat scan - but lord the guilt. And since we're confessing, she has also fallen off the couch and off a bed in her young life. And also manages to get bruises on her face all the time. I hope CPS doesn't come - she's quick. And tough. I think I cried more than she did. Still - might invest in some sort of helmet. Sigh.

Will never look at cabbage the same way again

I've been slowly stopping breastfeeding - mostly for selfish reasons (mama needs Botox in a major way), but I also have to have gum surgery and it just won't work. It has been a very long, slow process - like 6 weeks - but I haven't nursed Georgie since Saturday. Gooooo me! It's still a little painful so I've done everything from icepacks to cabbage leaves to Benadryl. A Benadryl virgin, I kind of forgot I took one around 4pm yesterday. By 6:30 I was like, "I am so tired! I could fall asleep sitting up!" And then realized why. (Duh) Slept like a baby, though.

#goodtoknow

Brava!

Guys. I made my first-ever blueberry pancakes over the weekend. Flipped them and everything. (Oh, and they were gluten free - and delicious!) Yes, this is a somewhat sad accomplishment at 41, but hey. The baby liked them and seemed impressed, so that's all that matters.

Power in numbers

I like to check in on my fellow new mom friends every once in a while to see how everyone is doing. Texted four of them yesterday and everyone is doing well, although we certainly all have our struggles. One case of hand foot and mouth, one visit to the ER, some physical therapy, and one mom sad to be back at work...yep, sounds about right. Until next month, mamas. Stay strong.

Halle-freaking-lujah

Got up early (okay, normal time) on Sunday to make it to church at 9 for the baby music class. (We usually make it to the 11:00 service, barely). We got there at 9 on the dot and they were providing flu shots so my mom stayed back to get hers and I went to the room where the music class was held over the summer. Not in there. No one around to ask - I finally did and the woman said she thought it was upstairs in the school building. Not wanting to lose my mom, we went back to the gym and waited for her to get her flu shot and then headed upstairs. I heard singing, but nope - children's choir. Big kids. We headed back downstairs, asked someone else who didn't know, and finally learned where the class was, but by now it was 9:15 and the class was almost over. So we dropped Georgie at the nursery (where she instantly started crying) and headed to 9:30 church. I ended up seeing friends from high school, so it was fun, but LORD. Not sure it was worth all that effort! #doigetbonuspointsinheaven

#twitterstorm

I have never been a big Twitter user - find it fairly overwhelming, to be honest (how do you EVER catch up??!) - but this Supreme Court business has me checking Twitter all hours of the day and night. Plus I'm commenting and using GIFs and retweeting - I barely recognize myself! Thanks, Trump??

Chill, dude

Dear douchebag in the sporty Mercedes behind me in line to get into the parking garage who opted to go around me and enter through the exit rather than wait for the bar to rise and let you in through the actual entrance: YOU SUCK. Also, if you were doing it to save time, I still beat you into the building.

#weirdo

Sesame Street FTW

Been watching some Sesame Street with Georgie, and clearly I'm more into it than she is. (Aside from the times Elmo is on, of course.) I have to say, very impressed and amused with the subtle jokes they throw in for the parents: from the Walking Dead parody, Walking Gingerbread (and crumbies instead of zombies), to Bert reading "Fifty Shades of Oatmeal," I find myself laughing out loud. Yay Muppets.

Is there a clean version??

So I signed up for the Muckfest 5K obstacle course on Saturday and totally no-showed. First of all, no one else would sign up with me. Second of all, I realized how much I really don't like getting muddy. And imagine having to get back in the car like that?! Pass. #sorrynotsorry

Supermodel or super basketball player, you be the judge

Took Georgie to her 9-month (!) check-up on Friday. Aside from it being the first time I didn't have a list of 15 things I was concerned about to ask the doctor (!!), they measured her and determined that she is in the 77th percentile for height, but only 25th percentile for weight. "Tall and thin," as the doctor said. Those certainly aren't my genes - must be from her father. Thanks, anonymous dude!

HERO

I was completely riveted by the hearing yesterday. This woman, though. Brava. (And a fellow UNC alum, to boot!!)

Sadly, I don't think it will matter. But she is a hero.

Might wear this t-shirt tomorrow.

I was saving it for election day, but EFFFFF IT.

(I believe Dr. Ford.)

Come live with me

Almost every day, I see this beautiful golden retriever roaming in the street close to my house. He is all matted and tragic looking, and I'm so afraid he will get hit by a car. I so want to lure him into my car, get him a bath/haircut, and then scan him for a microchip but also secretly keep him. You will be mine, sweet guy. Oh yes, you WILL be mine.

Bet on Beto

Put out my first political yard sign ever - BETO - a few weeks ago. We live across the street from a couple who had a TRUMP sign in their yard, so it was a bold move. But it seems to have emboldened the neighborhood, and there are now 4 other houses with BETO signs gleaming proudly. #truetoform #startingafareastdallasrevolution

Dr Doom

My dentist that I went to for like 30 years retired in December, so I've been looking for a new one. I went to one while on maternity leave and they said my gums were so bad they wouldn't give me a cleaning. So I ended up at Ideal Dental, one of those chain places, and yesterday they told me
1. I have my first cavity ever, at age 41
2. I do need gum graft surgery (also went to a periodontist, so I guess this is legit)
3. Apparently I clench/grind my teeth so they want me to either get a night guard or do Invisalign (aka invisible braces)

WTF. Mostly I say WTF to my old dentist, who never mentioned ANY of this crap to me. And unless my mouth has started decaying in the past 9 months, I'm guessing there were some signs of this beforehand.  But I also fear that places like Ideal Dental just want my money, so although I got my cavity fixed, I'm going to hold off on everything else for a while. Worst case, bring on the dentures.

Yet another hour I will never get back

WHY do I still Keep Up with the Kardashians?? (Actually, I don't - I'm like three episodes behind)

The episode I was watching this morning literally had Kim wanting to find out about "old people smell" and how to avoid it.

(crickets)

My Emmy best-dressed list

In no particular order...

Slow clap, ladies.

Can I get an AMEN. No, seriously

Ummmm potential costume for Charlie in 3...2...1...

And I'm not even Catholic. But this is funny.

You Deserve a Break Today

I may or may not have started planning Georgie's first birthday party three months early, but it got me thinking wistfully about our birthday parties growing up. There were no princesses, no trampoline parks, no unicorn cakes - it was the backyard with sprinklers and maybe a scary clown or the gold standard: birthday party at McDonald's. I want to bring this back but fear being deemed the "white trash" mom. Screw it. (Sorry, Georgie)

Damn you, technology

Poor Georgie is going through a little separation anxiety phase right now, so my mom can't even FaceTime me while I'm at work. Just hearing my voice makes the baby start sobbing. (Which in turn make ME want to start sobbing.)

Good times all around.

What would Nelson and Winnie say??

This Geoffrey Owens story really got to me. First of all, shame on the media for shaming him in the first place - I love Trader Joe's! And thanks to people like Tyler Perry for hooking a guy up with a job. And he has a guest spot on NCIS! Hopefully this will be the turning point and he can give a big "eff you" to the haters while he enjoys a second coming of his career. You go, Elvin.

Pluto!

So Pluto might just be a planet again! I never gave up faith. We learned there were 9 planets, dammit. And 9 there should be.

The rarely mentioned Hot Homeless

My mom gave a homeless guy money the other day (because that's what she does), and I felt like he was hot. I mean, dirty and smelly and homeless. But nice bone structure. Nice teeth/smile. Nice tan (obvi). Plus he had a dog with him. Perhaps I need a date sooner than later.

Whodunnit (actually, whowroteit)

Intrigued by the anonymous op-ed. I think it's Pence. Maybe KellyAnne. Either way, well played.

How many calories does a Cepacol have?

So apparently all it takes is a ruthless throat virus to get me down to my pre-pregnancy weight. I started having a sore throat last Thursday; by Friday I couldn't eat anything and had a fever. No strep, but I did have "pus in my throat" (ew). Couldn't eat all weekend long - literally it felt like shards of glass when I swallowed. Of course now I feel fine and I'm sure the weight will creep back on, but man that was fun while it lasted.

That's Ah-noying

My mom read some book about the Mongols, and apparently it said the correct pronunciation of Genghis Khan is "Jen-ghis Han." Ummmm what. If that's true the whole world is saying it wrong. We drove by Genghis Grill yesterday and my mom was like, "ooh we haven't been to Jen-ghis Grill in a while!" And I was literally this:

Power trip

I'm planning the company holiday party, and somehow this year it's like my ideal holiday party. A cruise theme complete with a yacht rock band! The one I wanted was $25K, so that got nixed, but I found a decent substitute for $5K. Going to get captains hats for everyone, and although I really looked for a shuffleboard ("shuffleboard on the lido deck!"), I could only find the raised up ones you see in bars. Nope. So bring on the smooth sailing - here's hoping all the millennials that work here won't revolt.

#kriskristoffersonanyone

You know you're getting old when your mom gives you plastic surgery for Christmas

...okay, not really. But I am going to a plastic surgeon today to get my earring holes stitched up - Merry Christmas from mom! Somehow the holes got all stretched out and they look terrible (plus, statement earrings are impossible to wear - the horror!), so hopefully this procedure will allow me to get them re-pierced (does Claire's Boutique still exist??) and bring on the giant lobe-busters.

Maybe I'll ask for some Botox while I'm in there. Merry Christmas from ME.

My mom keeps calling it HOOF and mouth

Georgie had a fever this weekend, and we assumed it was teething (she has the bottom two, so the top two are probably next). But then yesterday morning I noticed a spot on her arm, one on her knee and one on her chin. Bug bites? Hand Food and Mouth? (dear god) I called the nurse and she said HFM, but no need to bring her in. Just let it take it's course. No new spots have developed and no fever since Sunday, so I'm back to thinking fleas/mosquitos/please god not spiders. Basically who the hell knows, but whatever it is she's back at day care. Sorry.

Circle of Life (cue Simba)

Went to a funeral for a high school friend's father yesterday. Super sad (and super awesome music selection - hello, Yesterday and Hallelujah), but so great to see so many high school friends come out and support. Some I see a lot, some I haven't seen in years. Sad that it takes a funeral, but amazing that you can just reconnect like no time has passed. xoxo ladies!

WFH FTW

My boss lets me work from home on Fridays now, and it's awesome. I wouldn't be able to do it every day because it's easy to get distracted with a baby around, but man it's nice. Nice not to have to be in the car for two hours, nice to take "baby breaks," nice to be able to give my mom a bit of a break. Hard to get motivated to get dressed, however (but I did, thankyouverymuch).

It takes a village

A friend who is going to be a single mom by choice (I still have a problem with that phrase, but whatever) added me to a group of other single mamas and we all met up for the first time last night. We are all around the same age, the oldest baby is 16 months and the youngest is 12 weeks, and most live fairly close to me. They are smart, successful (one pediatrician), beautiful ladies who all wanted to be moms. Most of us used the same fertility doctor and OB, both also women, and although I was the only IVF-er in the bunch, it was so great to talk to other people who understand what you're going through. (And yes, we all passed around pictures of our sperm donors to ensure we weren't raising half-siblings.)

Only surrounded by the best people, my ass

More Yuki please

This pretty much sums up Bachelor in Paradise last night:

Male model Jordan, wearing a ridiculous outfit, throwing a bday gift David gave Jenna in a fit of jealous rage.

Remind me again why I watch this shit??

Fashion 101

On this first day of school (for most), here's a brief fashion lesson.

How to wear neon green:

How NOT to wear neon green:

Class dismissed.

Bless her heart

My mom texted me yesterday: "Are you on LinkedIn? Apparently it's the new way to get a job!" Oh, mom. Bless it. I have only been on LinkedIn for like 15 years.

#eyerollemoji
#thanksanyway

We are working on the bottle thing, okay?

So Georgie is the only white baby in daycare. Which is great - diversity! - but the ladies keep telling us she fusses when no one pays attention to her, doesn't want to play by herself and can't hold her own bottle. All of which sounds normal to me - she's a BABY - but what if she is exhibiting the first signs of white privilege?? Like of course the white kid is the most high maintenance. Sigh.

The struggle is real y'all.

Bachelor in Paradise: it's getting coconuts

God this show is a beatdown. Becca talks Colton off the ledge, and he decides he has gotten the closure he needs to stick it out (or IN, heh) in Paradise. Bring on the fresh meat!

Jenna arrives and I have no clue who she is. Her hair is pink and she says she's an alien, so that helps. She's annoying, so of course she's perfect for male model Jordan. He ditches Annaliese and they go on a date involving horseback riding and making out.

Caroline arrives and is so nervous it's hard to watch. She pulls Grocery Store Joe aside but then has to pee, and never comes back. She ends up asking out Venmo John (yay!), and they get along well even though she is easily distracted by local animals, who she likes to name. Alrighty.

Jubilee arrives, also asks out John (my man!), and they both admit to being geeks. We finally hear John admit he founded Venmo, and it means he must have a TON of cash. My man!

Crystal tells Kenny he's in the friend zone so she can pursue Chris, who of course just got finished telling Tia not to feel insecure - no matter what new woman arrives, he is here for HER. But he is entranced by Crystal and wants to kiss his first blonde, so he does. This guy is not even cute, people. Not sure what's going on here. Colton finds out about this and tells Tia, because he doesn't want to hurt her. You know, aside from the other day when he told her he wanted to play the field.

Tia is pissed, y'all. She marches over to Chris and -

UNTIL NEXT WEEK!

Bachelor in Paradise: the white elephant in the room

Yes, someone said "white elephant in the room" last night. No, that's not a thing. It's white elephant. And elephant in the room. Come on people.

Colton is shaping up to be a virgin villain, and I'm proud of Tia for standing up for herself (sort of).

David tries to screw with Jordan once again, but somehow this Annaliese chick likes him. (Has she seen the golden undies, though??)

Poor Wills gets sent home - I'm hoping this means a shot at being the next Bachelor??

And for the love of god, get Wells and Yuki their own show. The whole "tropical" discussion was the best thing I've seen in a long time.

Reporting to sick bay

Georgie has another cold - boo. Bigger boo - took her to the dr on Saturday because I was afraid she had an ear infection (I still think that, but whatever), and he told me since she's in daycare I can expect her to be sick 50 weeks out of the year. (As a reminder, there are only 52 weeks in a year. Leaving a whopping TWO not sick.) Sure glad I pay for this daycare business. #eyerollemoji

My mom has whatever Georgie has (somehow I have managed to avoid it this time), and she finally felt better this morning after a rough weekend. She came in and said, "I feel great! Church this morning??" Bless her heart - she slept through Sunday and here it is Monday again. Bummer.

studying starts NOW

Just for shits and giggles, I looked up how much college costs these days. Answer: a LOT. (And I don't even want to factor in the inflation in 18 years...)

In-state at UT including room and board is $10K a semester, so $80K for 4 years. That's a STATE SCHOOL. UNC for an out-of-stater is like $50K a year. Might as well go to Harvard, amIright? (Yale, Duke, etc are like $75K a year, in case you were wondering.)

Holy scholarship, Batman.

Most Dramatic Bachelorette Recap in History. Also the Shortest.

To sum up the Bachelorette, Becca picked the racist (assumed) Trump fan. She claims she is anti all of that stuff, so we shall see how long this relationship lasts.

Milk musings

1. I have so much frozen breast milk in the freezer that my mom said she's going to have to start putting it on her breakfast cereal. Make that "breastfast" cereal. (she is kidding, of course)

2. Went on a date Saturday night. It was actually fun, until he drove me back to my car and I leaked all over his car. Y'all. Seriously. He had to get a t-shirt out of the back seat to mop it up. Amazingly, I did hear from him again. But I am so mortified I'm not sure I will be able to go out on another date. (Not that he has asked)

#futurechaptersinmybook

Ka-ching

Here is my latest business idea:

Also could add a version with "F@#%ing Baby on Board" to really get the message across.

Who, moi??

Finally watched All the President's Men last night for the first time (how very apropos for the current situation!), and when I saw the guy who played Woodward and Bernstein's boss, I yelled out, "He was in the Great Muppet Caper!" Poor guy - had tons more credits to his name, and yet that's how I know him best. #sorrynotsorry

Poops I did it again

(That's a little ditty I came up with for when Georgie poops. Which is often.)
Sorry I forgot to blog yesterday - I was out in the morning seeing a therapist for possible post-partum anxiety. (And she wasn't in network so it cost a whopping $185. I am clearly in the wrong field.)

I have these stress dreams every single night that Georgie is somewhere in my bed, suffocating in the comforter or has fallen off the side. Every. Night. I look over at the monitor and know she's in her bed, but I still physically get up and check everywhere, even picking up my poor dog. So that seems kind of weird, no? (I had similar kinds of dreams when working as a lifeguard and a restaurant hostess; not sure either of those is as stressful as having a baby, but clearly I am a stressed out kinda gal.)

Here's to more (free) sessions with a new therapist and learning to calm the F down!

Men Tell All, or tell as much as I could hear while scrolling through my phone and fast forwarding

Just not into it this season I guess - found last night to be fairly blah. Male model was terrible as ever, Colton is still a man even though he's a virgin, grocery store Joe is going to be a stah, and Wills is precious. That about sums up the night, with Chris Harrison having the best moment on the blooper reel: before the Beccalection debate, he went up to a young girl in the audience and told her she would not learn anything here today. In fact, this is what happens when you don't stay in school. #ginsburn

Dammit. I guess I have to go.

Why is it that the rare occasion that I go out and hope to god I can use the excuse of "couldn't find parking" and "didn't have money for valet" to just go home, I find the most amazing parking spot of all time?! This has happened twice recently. Maybe the gods want me to get out of my house. Or at least let my CLOTHES out of the house.

Wait, what?

Uh, did she say "FINAL" vision?!?! Christmas has come early, peeps. #bye

Helmet. Stat.

Now that Georgie is sitting up/trying to crawl/wanting to stand, she falls over. A lot. She bumped her head on her crib bars the other night and got a little shiner under one eye. And then got a little knot on the other side when she fell in her "baby jail." All of which will make for some lovely 7-month photos that she's getting this weekend...

#parentfail
#facepalmemoji
#gonnaneedsomephotoshop

Bachelorette recap: Taiwan on

Yep, we're in Taiwan with the final three guys. Because nothing says "fantasy suite" like Taiwan, amiright?

Becca's in love with Blake and Garrett, and likes Jason a whole lot. This doesn't bode well. As expected, Jason gets sent home before his date is even over (no "fantasy" about it). Apparently just the thought of sharing a home with him weirds her out so much, she literally can't even. Poor guy doesn't know what hit him. Becca feels bad - like she's Arie or something - and luckily Jason comes crawling back a few days later to leave with dignity like a girl. He gifts her a sweet red notebook full of photos and stories of their love affair, which was clearly one-sided. Bless his heart, someone book him a cot in Paradise!

Personally Blake and Garrett look very similar to me, and I can't really tell them apart. Garrett seems a bit more of a douche, and Blake looks like he's going to be crushed if/when she doesn't pick him. I just don't give a crap either way. #teamvenmo

Oh, Travelzoo

Clearly you are hoping your audience doesn't know how big a NYC apartment is. "Twice the size" really isn't saying much.

I said brrrr it's cold in here! (there must be some Toros in the atmosphere*)

*shout-out to those who knew that Bring it On! cheer


Guys. Cold front on the way! Dust off your gloves and scarves!

Seriously. When it has been 110 and it's "only" 95, you get excited. Perhaps I'm having a heat stroke.

Webmistress at your service

I think I've mentioned that I am in charge of the company intranet, and have to add weekly polls (not to mention DAILY photos). Both of these things are increasingly hard, especially because I'm dealing with an international audience so it can't be US-centric. I feel like I am scraping the bottom of the barrel. For instance, I give you this week's poll:

As you can see, only 32 votes out of 5000 employees. But to be fair, I usually only get like 13, so I've set the bar pretty low.