Bachelor in Paradise: I'm still 80-40 on the whole thing.

(Yes, that's a shout-out to Lacy, who clearly doesn't understand ratios. Yay.)

Well, it's no rest for the weary - The Bachelorette is over and now straight onto Bachelor in Paradise (aka Tulum, Mexico). Which is basically a bunch of rejects from previous shows (some of whom I don't remember AT ALL) romping around in bikinis and Speedos (et tu, Marcus?!), getting a second shot at being a fame whore love.

The cast:

Clare (runner-up on Juan Pablo's season; has seemingly ditched the rectangle necklace but still appears crazy)

AshLee (third place on Sean's season; has the hots for Graham and still seems crazy)

Michelle K (Jake's season, I remember her being weird and semi-psycho and she still is)

Sarah (Sean's season, has one arm)

Michelle Money (Brad's season; Bachelor Pad)

Daniella (Sean's season)

Lacy (got the boot on night one of Juan Pablo's season, explaining why I had NO IDEA who she was. Yet neither did Clare, and they were on the same show...)

Elise (Juan Pablo's season)

Ben (Des' season; the bad guy with a son)

Robert (Des' season)

Graham (DeAnna's season; good NC boy; Bachelor Pad)

Marcus (Andi's season; still "heartbroken" but will still swim in his red skivvies)

Marquel (Andi's season)

Dylan (Andi's season; so glad he cut his hair)

The show centers around date cards, and each week the girls and guys will alternate offering up roses to their potential hook-ups mates. The girls outnumber the guys, so they know they'll be on the chopping block first. Which means they all start trying to pair off to get to stay another week. Except for Michelle K, who seems she really couldn't care less, and might not even be single in the first place. (?) Gotta hand it to Lacy, who romps in the ocean with not one but two guys on the first day (Robert and Marcus). Robert (who is shirtless almost immediately, btw) thinks she is really smart, god bless him.

Clare gets the first date card, and asks Graham to join her at the ruins. She had a dream about this, y'all! She's going to pose with her arms raised! She's in Clare-adise! #killme. But wait - AshLee likes Graham. And somehow after only having met him 24 hours before, she has dibs. So she's pissed that Clare asked and that Graham said yes (um, what was he supposed to say - no? It's a game, people), and starts badmouthing Clare all over the villa.

Clare is upset and cries to a friendly raccoon that she doesn't want the drama (or the fire ants)! You picked the wrong show, sweetie. So she apologizes to AshLee and offers to either give her the date or pick someone else to appease the beast. AshLee likes this idea, so Clare then invites Robert as her sloppy seconds. And he agrees. Sigh. Graham tries to talk to AshLee to figure out how he managed to piss someone off on day two, but she gives him a "talk to the hand" brush-off and he has only a late-arriving Michelle Money to turn to.

Clare and a once again shirtless Robert hike up the ruins so she can get her dream photo. Seems like a friend zone situation - fire ant bites are not sexy. Back at the villa, Sarah gets the next date card and invites Marcus. This frustrates Lacy, because both of her potential dudes are out on dates with other women. The horror! Sarah and Marcus bond by cliff-diving, and share a smooch. But Marcus still carries a torch for Andi Lacy...

Michelle Money (who brought 5 suitcases - my kind of girl!) gets another date card (good lord there are a lot of dates happening in 24 hours), and she opts to invite Marquel, since she and Graham didn't work out after dating on Bachelor Pad. Because that's a real-life situation that you should base relationships on. Huh. She and the cookie monster have a romantic horseback ride along the beach, and seem to have a good time with each other. I'm just happy to see Marquel's offbeat fashion sense still works in Paradise.

Yet another date card arrives for Lacy. And it's the moment of truth - will she pick Robert or Marcus? And why do I care? She opts for dinner and ocean smooching with Robert. And when I say "smooching," I mean legs wrapped around the guy like a damn octopus. Down, girl. Marcus is bummed - does this mean he should offer his rose to Sarah? For some reason when they say "offer his rose" I giggle. Sounds a bit dirty. Bygones.

It's rose ceremony time, and the girls are nervous. AshLee apologizes to Graham for being a psycho, Sarah asks Marcus point-blank if he will pick her, and Michelle Money prances around with a very fake-looking curly side pony. Does anyone tell her "you're so Money and you don't even know it?" I digress.

Before Marquel can offer his rose (ha), Michelle K interrupts with her standard crazy-eyes and says she's leaving. No one really cares, except the producer in the exit limo who asks what happened and she claims she's in love. He repeats the statement, wondering what the hell she's talking about, and she gives a knowing crazy-eye wink. Good grief.

Back to the ceremony. The matches are:

Marquel and Michelle Money
Graham and AshLee
Dylan and Elise
Marcus and Lacy (ooooooh poor Sarah)
Robert and Clare
Ben and Sarah

Which means Daniella is sent packing. And next week, two more arrive to mix and match and mate. Yesssss.