This episode has a TON of crazy, starting with the very beginning. We learn that Michelle K (who left before the rose ceremony on her own last week) was having a not-so-secret rendezvous involving dental floss with the unfortunately named crew member Ryan Putz. (Seriously?! His last name is Putz?! Amazing.) We are then treated to a very sad and bizarre reenactment, which doesn't seem necessary - I can just explain it to you. After the rose ceremony, Michelle slams the door in host Chris Harrison's face not once, but twice ("He's only the HOST!"), and when another producer knocks the next day, Ryan is in the room with Michelle and panics, deciding to JUMP OFF THE BALCONY. And breaks both feet or ankles (we next see him in a hospital room with casts on both legs.) Holy crap. What a putz.
Back to the people still on the show...time for some new blood, and by that I mean more dudes in paradise! Chris Bukowski is back, people. He has now appeared on four iterations of this show, which has got to be A. some kind of record and 2. a fact that makes me very sad. He of course has a date card, and asks Clare to get pampered (aka couples massage!), and since Clare is desperate to make a connection with anyone at this point, she enjoys the rubdown.
Dylan is beginning to feel smothered by crazy Elise and tells her they should "see other people." Since most of these "other people" are coupled up, Elise has little choice but to pounce on Chris, who is back from his date with Clare and jumps at the chance to do "sexually amazing things" to Elise in the ocean for all to witness. Once Dylan finds out, he is not amused (even though Elise says she was thinking of him the whole time?!) and is pretty over the whole Elise thing, telling her not to offer him a rose (burn!). But since she's crazy, Elise sees this as just a little bump in the road. #foreshadowing
Time for another new arrival: Zack! I barely remember Zack, but clearly Clare does - she squeals that she's been waiting for him and leaps into his arms. Clare says Zack is low maintenance and drama free, which is good since she is the opposite of those things. And I guess she's over the Chris couples massage? And the ruins date with Robert? And Graham? But I digress. Zack has a date card, and chooses Clare. I think we all breathed a sigh of relief.
Elise can't stop talking about her "relationship" with Dylan, and how everything is going just as she had hoped (what the hell is wrong with this girl?!). Chris is not amused that his chosen gf is mooning over someone he has nicknamed "Fat Damon" (the plumped up version of Matt Damon). But Dylan doesn't care - he wants to date Sarah and offers her the date card. Sarah is torn - Elise is her best friend - but agrees to dinner and they have a lovely time. Elise is a little pissed - "I told them they could go on a date, but not fall in love!" and has yet another DTR chat with Dylan on the beach. He again pushes her towards Chris, and she makes him repeat himself about 18 times. She refuses to grasp what he's trying to say, telling him"You are LITERALLY killing me!" Um, that is not the proper use of the word "literally." Isn't this chick a school teacher??
Marcus
Now that those there for the wrong reasons have departed (take a shot), it's time for the rose ceremony.
Marcus and Lacy
Graham and AshLee
Clare and Zack
Michelle and Marquel (tricky, since Marquel told her she drinks too much!)
Elise and Dylan. Who turns her down. As he said he would. Prompting a very awkward and crazy speech from Elise. Who I hope was drunk but somehow don't think so. And then turns and offers the rose to Chris. Who accepts. Elise and Chris, everyone!
Sarah and Robert. Dylan is surprised he didn't get the nod, but Sarah probably realized Elise would never let up until someone was dead or married, so time to shoot the hostage.
Next week, new faces and more Chris Bukowski dramz. Because why not.
#yopo
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