Bachelor in Paradise recap: Would someone just give the raccoon it's own show already?

The conclusion of the two-part cliffhanger aired last night, so we've waded through a whopping four hours of Bachelor programming this week. I feel like I deserve someone's rose for that. Although I don't want a rose from any of these idiots. (maybe Graham.)

Speaking of Graham, the last episode made it look like he got cold feet about AshLee and bolted, when in fact it was just a bout of Montezuma's Revenge. Which seemed to sweep quickly through the group, and Lacey was taken to the hospital. But the rose ceremony must go on, and Graham accepted Ash's rose, Michelle is with Cody, Sarah gave hers to Robert and Jackie picked Jesse. Which means Marquel and his bright outfits are going home. And it also means new peeps are on the way...

Enter Christy (?) from Juan Pablo's season (?). I don't think she said more than three words on the Bachelor, which is why when she opened her mouth in paradise I couldn't believe how annoying her voice was. She went straight for Zack with her date card, but he politely declined because he is scared of in a relationship with Clare. Although he never makes the most convincing arguments, especially when explaining things to Clare. Christy bounces back and moves on to Jesse, who she hopes is nothing like her lying cheating ex. (Which of course means that he is.) Jesse is totally game since he's not there for the right reasons (drink!). Clearly neither is Christy, so they are a perfect pair. (Jackie is not amused.)

Sarah gets a date card and invites Robert. She hopes he will kiss her and she won't end up back in the Friend Zone - and he finally does! She seems a little more aggressive than him, but hey. Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do in a one-piece in Sarah-dise. (yes, I plan on using this phrase a LOT)

Cody and Michelle seem to be getting hot and heavy - he's heavy, she's hot! Hey-oh. He uses her as a dumbbell and paints her toes, and she comments on how huge his quads and arms are. That's true love, people. They get a date card and have a bizarre engagement photo session followed by a semi-wedding. Odd.

Back at the house, Zack and Clare have an awkward conversation in which he tells her he's not sure a relationship is the right thing right now. Uh-oh. Clare, being Clare, doesn't take it well and runs into the woods to talk to her bestie, the raccoon. She tells Rocky she's having a panic attack (on national television!), and this is not Clare-a-dise, it's torture! The raccoon agrees (well, he runs back into the woods, but I'm sure he agrees), and Clare packs up and leaves. Poor Clare.

Enter Lucy, the "free spirit" from Juan Pablo's season. (It's like a damn revolving door in paradise!) Lucy waltzes in with flowers in her hair (literally), but quickly decides it's time to bare all (also, literally). Black boxes become her bathing suit as she lures Jesse into the ocean and asks him on a date. They have some cervezas and share a few besos, but Jesse can't for the life of him remember her name and calls her "what's her nuts" multiple times. Luckily he can remember Christy's name at the rose ceremony. Because that would be awkward. Especially after he apparently had a threesome with both ladies? Holy Whore-a-dise.

AshLee and Graham have a cheesy race car date, allowing the producers to script Graham to use the metaphor that AshLee is like a beautiful vehicle that starts slow and gets easier to steer. Cue my eye-roll.

Rose ceremony time:
Lacy and Marcus, who share an uncomfortably long kiss
Sarah and Robert
AshLee and Graham
Michelle and Cody
Zack and Jackie (last-minute ditch effort, well-played sir)
Jesse and what's her nuts (kidding, Christy)

And I'm spent.