Bachelor in Paradise recap: it's all fun and games til you poop your pants

The cheesy opening for this show is back, and I kind of love it. It's so bad it's good, unlike Chad (or "The Chad," as the opening credits say), who's just bad. But I'm getting ahead of myself.


We start with a few quick introductions: the Twins are here (Hayley and the other one), and they get to operate as a unit like Ashley I and her sister did last year. Dumb. (And so are they.) Nick Viall is back as The Runner-up, and Chad is bringing a bunch of protein powder to Mexico, natch. Crazy Lace is back with a vengeance, as are her hair extensions. (Sorry - hair doesn't grow that fast.) Canadian Daniel (aka Canadaniel) is packing his maple leaf speedo and is ready to represent, eh?


The first to arrive in paradise is single mom Amanda, who loves her daughters so much she keeps leaving them to go on dumb reality shows. (I kid, I kid.) Nick arrives and quickly asks Amanda if she's ever made out in a thunderstorm. Smooooooth. Jubilee (army vet) and Evan (erectile dysfunction dude) arrive next, and Jubilee is waiting for someone special to arrive. Evan thinks Amanda is hot but is more concerned that Chad is coming. Good call bud.


Vinny (hairdresser) and Carly (who got dumped in grand fashion last year in paradise but clearly has nothing else going on so decided to give it another go) show up next, and Grant (firefighter) and Canadaniel, who so far is not impressed with the "fruit" and hopes something succulent will show up. (Can't make this stuff up, folks)


And cue the twins! Canadaniel perks up but after high-fiving one twin, the other twin says "she doesn't like high fives." Unfortunate, eh? Izzy (onesie) arrives and has a very awkward convo with Canadaniel about Evan and making babies and her being 25. Probably not a love match. Lace and her extensions arrive, and Grant announces that she's crazy and good luck to the guy who ends up with her, but then turns around and starts putting the moves on. Guess we blame the margaritas? Sarah (one arm) is also back, announcing to Chris Harrison that she'll keep returning until she gets engaged. Oh Sarah. You can do so much better.


Jared arrives, and that's who Jubilee has been waiting for. Cue the emoji with the heart eyes. But some of the twins like him too - could be trouble in Paradise! Finally, Chad shows up with appropriate cheesy editing - glasses breaking, animals growling, your basic shift in the universe.  Chris Harrison asks Chad if he's here to show the real Chad. Chad says he doesn't need money or fame. He's not going to say he's in love because the show tells him to. The Chad will be The Chad, dammit. So get on board.


Lace does get on board, and she and Chad begin a whirlwind angeromance that involves slapping, yelling, kissing, humping and eventually Chad goes too far, saying he wants to tie her up on the railroad tracks and repeatedly calling her a bitch. He then calls Sarah a one-armed bitch and it's ON.


But first, back to the actual point of this show - the dates. Jubilee gets the first date card, and eagerly asks Jared out. He accepts, and they dine amid a literal plethora of piñatas:

Seriously WTF. This gives me a headache. And then throw in a creepy clown who squeaks when he talks and thrusts his hips way more than I needed to see, and I'm out on this date.


Back to The Chad. Lace is suddenly over being bad-mouthed (weird - thought she liked it), and moves on back to Grant. Chad is hammered and no one wants to deal, so Canadaniel decides to step in and pacify the beast. But Chad starts talking about murdering everyone, and accuses Canadaniel of being "unmurdery" (how dare you sir) and passes out amongst the crabs. Apparently he pooped his pants, and wakes up in the morning naked in bed but can't understand why. ("Where are my pants?") Chris Harrison arrives, recaps the night (including saying "you told the hotel staff to suck a dick!") and announces that Chad has to go. Chad can't understand why (again). But he's not being glib, because he doesn't know what that means. He was only joking, and the only person who might be offended is "Army Armerson." Ummmm you think?


Chris isn't kidding, and tells Chad it's time to go. But Chad isn't going without a fight. He throws his $200 sunglasses into the bushes, kicks off his flip-flops and says "f#$% you" to the crabs and to Chris Harrison. (the horror!) He tells Chris he doesn't know what went down because he doesn't watch the show - he drank a mimosa and went to bed in a robe 100 miles away! Chris keeps his host cool, saying "you're just making it worse for yourself" but Chad keeps at it, saying Chris and producers are making him look like a bitch. Dude, you're doing that just fine on your own. We leave it with a To Be Continued, and hopefully next week we will get to see Chris Harrison finally bitchslap someone. A very deserving someone.