Bachelor in Paradise recap: moany moany (sung to the tune of Mony Mony)

Seriously grossed out by Josh's moaning. He moans when he makes out with Amanda (which is ALL THE TIME). And while Evan pries her from Josh's lips for five minutes to try and win her affections with his sad little makeshift date card and date (but obviously doesn't), Josh moans while eating pizza. (And then quickly goes back to making out/moaning with Amanda again.) I seriously can't.


But because sweet Amanda cried as she let Evan down easy, he stupidly thinks he has a chance. Bless. Meanwhile Daniel shaves Vinny's back and *I* moan. Chris Harrison arrives to remind everyone about the rose ceremony, and Josh sweats profusely. (cue moaning) Christian tries to seal the deal with Sarah, but Canadaniel interrupts. And is himself interrupted by a bee who stings his chin (although Canadaniel says it tried to impregnate him, eh?). He finally kisses Sarah, who seems less than enthused.


Also less than enthused? Josh, who is once again making out with Amanda and is once again interrupted by Evan, who decides Amanda needs to know about Andi's tell-all. Josh decides Evan needs to know what's up, and sticks with his "it is a fictional novel" story. To which Evan responds, "then why don't you sue for libel?" BOOM. But Josh is all "god knows the truth" and "I wish her peace" and Evan sees right through the BS, calling him out on being "too polished."


Nick takes this opportunity to also talk to Amanda about Andi's book, admitting that it's most likely true since he's in it too. Amanda is, like, conflicted. Why can't this, like, be easy?? Josh assures her that he's honest, though, so that totally counts. Sometimes I wonder why I watch this show.


Rose ceremony time!
Lace to Grant, and they will now be known as "Grace" (which they anoint themselves)
Izzy to Vinny, and they will now be known as "Vizzy" (which Lace anoints them)
Emily to Jared
Amanda to Josh
Sarah to Daniel (bye Christian)
Carly to Evan. Which is odd since she dumped him, but he's ready to sneak back in the once-slammed door. Okay, creeper.
Haley to Nick, because he "deserves love." Just not with her. (bye Brandon, whoever you are)


The next day, Caila arrives. The guys are stoked, and the girls are jealous of Becky with the good hair. (She DOES have great hair.) She chats with Nick, who is definitely interested, but clicks with Jared, who is even more interested. She asks out Jared, who says yes but first has to talk to Emily, since they recently swapped spit. Emily knows she's prettier - duh - but is still intimidated by Caila. But with that whole "if you love something, set it free" philosophy, she lets Jared go out with the sex panther herself.


Caila changes into a very low-cut off-the-shoulder top because that's what you wear when horseback riding on the beach, duh! Her boobs almost fall out the entire time, which is very distracting for me and very exciting for Jared, who is in lust love already. They smooch on the beach and quickly decide not to be interested in anyone else (sorry Emily).


Back at the house, Canadaniel drinks water out of Vinny's belly button and powders his back because that's what you do up north, eh? The first double date card in BIP history arrives for Grace and Vizzy, and they are stoked! They booze it up at dinner and fawn all over each other, then head to the next logical stop: foam party at Senor Frogs! Lace says lying on the floor of a bar in Mexico with a guy's crotch in her face reminds her of high school. YES.


Carly and Sarah are bored so decide to invite over their fake beaus, Evan and Canadaniel, for a double date of their own. They booze it up, try a drinking game where you drink whenever Canadaniel says something Canadian, and Evan even tries to do a push-up with Carly sitting on him because the dude has no shame. Or game. At the end of the night, Evan goes in for a kiss but Carly denies him, but then medics are called because they can't get Evan to wake up. Yet moments later when Carly comes to check on him he's just fine, but needs a chaperone to watch him. Clever. Carly isn't falling for this- until she is. And now they're making out. Because she digs weird. And he is definitely weird.


A forlorn Nick sits on the beach as Amanda and Josh turn off the lights and we are treated to shots of flowers opening, a train entering a tunnel and fireworks. Oh, and moaning. Of course moaning.  And then Amanda tells Josh "you're so sweaty." Thanks, ABC.


The next morning we're still treated to the gross antics of these two, as Josh drops his bagel between his legs. And points at it.

 Sigh.


It's too calm and happy in paradise - time to stir some shit up. Enter Ashley I.


To Be Continued...