Chad does finally leave, and while chomping on deli meat (and admitting the women weren't "vibing my meat tastes") in the exit van, asks "I can't be the Bachelor - what am I going to do now??" He blames the a-a-a-a-a-alcohol, but then pours a hefty tequila shot and raises a Grinch-like eyebrow to the camera. Why do I feel this is not the last we will see of The Chad. Dammit.
It's much calmer in paradise - too calm, perhaps. Enter Leah from Ben's season. She lied and threw Lauren B under the bus, but arrives with much fuller lips so that must mean all is forgotten. She is ready to hand her date card to Chad, but learns he has said adios to Mexico so has to settle for second best: Nick. (Please note that Nick being second best is a recurring theme that we aren't done with just yet.) Amanda is sad because like, she like LIKES Nick, but she gets her revenge when Nick gets his own date card later that day and asks Amanda out. This causes Leah to purse her now-giant lips in annoyance. She didn't buy these babies for her health, you know!! Nick clearly has feelings for Amanda, and it seems to be mutual (although hard to tell with her tiny romper and baby voice). Leah isn't afraid to tell Amanda that they look alike and wear the same shade of makeup. But Nick flat-out tells her he's giving his rose to Amanda, so Leah turns to Canadaniel who is weird, but she likes weird. (Quick shout-out to Leah for bringing - and blowing up - the giant swan float. Viva!)
In other news, the twins eat bananas, Lace and Grant solidify their relationship (and by that I mean sleep together and get busted by the cameras), and Carly has been spending time with Evan, although she wants a man's man and Evan is certainly not that. He finally kisses her, and while fireworks are going off for him and little birds are chirping around his head, she's not feeling it. At all.
But at least she's promised a rose, while Jubilee and Leah get the boot. Jared decides to give his rose to Emily/Haley, and Canadaniel the "eagle" swoops in and saves Sarah since Vinny picked Izzy. Lace and Grant, Evan and Carly and Nick and Amanda complete the paradise pairings.
But Nick is always the bridesmaid, never the bride - because here comes Josh Murray! You may remember Josh as the one Andi picked and got engaged to, dumping Nick at the altar. Obviously the engagement didn't last, Andi wrote a tell-all which Josh vehemently denies, and after appearing on Famously Single (sadly I watched that crap too), he's in paradise and has his sights set on Amanda. She accepts his date card request, and they (literally) sail off into the sunset and return as a full-fledged couple, making out (and ew - moaning) right in front of Nick, who really might lose his shit. How much can one guy take, anyway.
Carly is avoiding Evan like the plague, which of course means he gets a date card and invites Carly to join him. And just her luck - they are participating in a world record challenge for longest and hottest kiss - after eating habanero peppers. He's gropy, she's grossed out, and after a nasty chain of spittle between them, they do in fact break the record. And Carly runs to throw up. She is not amused and has to tell poor Evan that she just wants to be friends. But he LOVES her, guys!
Meanwhile Lace thinks "agua" is spelled wrong, and Emily works her feminine wiles on Jared, with the following scintillating conversation: what's your favorite color? what's your favorite number? Somehow this ends up with a smooch, but I just continue to feel bad for Jared on these programs. Poor doofus.
Time for some new blood - enter Christian (JoJo's season)! He asks around and everyone (except Amanda, according to Josh) seems available. So he uses his date card on Sarah. This doesn't sit well with Canadaniel, because he's an eagle and everyone else left is a pigeon and that just wouldn't work, eh? Christian and Sarah go ziplining and rappelling and Christian is impressed by Sarah's moxie. They smooch (of course they do), but back at the beach house Sarah tells Canadaniel she did think about him while out with another guy. She says the word "weird" about a million times when describing him and her feelings towards him, but that seems to be fairly common and he's cool with it.
Enter Brandon. Who?? Apparently he was on Desiree's season, but even Chris Harrison had no idea who he was. Newly single Carly is very interested, but dammit if the twins don't catch Brandon's eye and he asks Haley out. She decides to be 6 and pull the ol' twin switcheroo on him during dinner. Although he claims he can totally tell the difference, he totally can't. This could spell the end for Braley. Meanwhile twin Emily has one beer and is hammered. Where do they FIND these people.
A brokenhearted Evan decides it's time to move on - to the clearly taken Amanda. He heads over to the couch where Amanda and Josh are
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