Bachelor in Paradise recap, featuring Amy Schumer and "Matt Damon"

I guess they are going to extend this Samantha-Joe debacle until the end of time the season, because another hour of Paradise and it's STILL not resolved. Well-played, producers.

Joe is still obsessed with Sam, and  even seeks advice from the other sad singleton on the island, Ashley I, who tells him to pretend like they've never met and start the relationship over again. Joe tries this out and it blows up in his face, as Sam completely ignores him. Ouch. He tells the camera she can either play nice and they can get married or all hell will break loose and she will crash and burn. Such a Casanova, this guy!

For some reason, Joe thinks blackmailing Samantha by threatening to show the text messages she sent will win her back. Maybe that works in Kentucky, pal, but Sam ain't fallin' for it. In fact, she remains freakishly cool and calm and decides instead to go out with the fresh meat, Justin. (Who claimed on Kaitlyn's season that he looked like Matt Damon. I don't see it.) Since Justin and Joe are friends, this does not sit well with our resident "vill," and the other guys are afraid he's going to blow. But they also see through Samantha's giggles, noting that she is the puppetmaster/chessmaster, with the end game being "total destruction." #truth

Meanwhile, Mikey gets a date card and invites Juelia to Guadalajara to see some good ol' Lucha Libre fighting. Because nothing says romance like wrestling. But Juelia is a good sport (literally), and even agrees to forgo her room and stay with Mikey in the fantasy suite. But they insist they "kept it classy."

Samantha stands by her "drama-free" desires, although Carly tells it like it is: "she's the one who BRINGS the drama!" Will Joe combust? Will Matt Damon "swoop" Sam off her feet? (Thanks Ashley) Stay tuned! TO BE CONTINUED

I don't usually blog about the "After Paradise" talk show because I find it pretty dumb, but they did announce that Ben H is the next Bachelor (the cougar in me rejoices), and Amy Schumer even called in to congratulate him and ask if he would have phone sex. #loveher

Joe and Juelia also appeared, and although he seemed somewhat sincere and embarrassed, I didn't entirely buy it. Why wait until you're on TV to apologize? (To be on TV, duh.) He's a keeper, folks.