Lauren (Ashley I's plus-one) is over it (again), and she wants to go home. She's sweaty, she doesn't like people, and - surprise! she's a mistress to some dude back home. And is perfectly fine with it. She is ready to pack up, but Ashley convinces her to stay one more night to see if her crush Joshua (welder from Kaitlyn's season) will arrive in Paradise. After crying and blowing her nose for about 3 minutes, Lauren agrees.
And arrive he does! But unfortunately for Ashley, he likes Tenley and asks her on a date. Lauren packs her bikinis and wheels her suitcase down the beach, as sister Ashley weeps. As usual. JJ, meanwhile, is super confused as to why a catch like Tenley would go for a "carp" (aka botttomfeeder) like Joshua. Basically he knows his days are numbered on the island.
Tenley has butterflies around Joshua (can we just call him Josh, for the love) and his gigantic man-hands, and reveals that she portrayed Ariel at Tokyo Disney. Cue the animated birds flying around her head. This is a perfect job for Tenley, in my humble opinion. They dance, they take tequila shots, they kiss. All very Disney-esque.
Meanwhile, back at the house, Kentucky Joe arrives, and he's been hyped as the funniest guy around! But instead he broods quietly, barely speaking to anyone (except Clare, who he calls out for being in Paradise twice). Apparently he was hoping to give his date card to Samantha. But she's not here, so Juelia basically invites herself on the horseback riding date. This angers Jonathan, who gave Juelia his rose and hopes Joe falls off the horse and breaks his leg.
Clare is sad. And who does she turn to when she's sad? Her raccoon pal. Who has clearly devised a coping mechanism for her crazy:
Tenley and Joshua return, only to have Tenley swept away by JJ. Putting on the full court press, JJ starts smooching her and convinces himself he's back in the running. Cut to Tenley and Joshua, half-naked and making out while JJ snores in his bunk.
Joe and Juelia ride horses and kiss under a waterfall, and Juelia is taken by the fact that Joe asks about her daughter. She thinks this means he did his research, but I think he just couldn't think of anything else to talk about.
Back at the house, Joshua is relaying stories about taking Molly in Vegas, and how he wished they could all have coconuts filled with Molly on the group date. Talk about "Paradise..." But looking around the room, everyone else seems horrified and Mikey and Dan feel they need to protect poor
Joe and Juelia return from their date, and Ju is giddy but Joe could care less. He even admits to a producer that Juelia seems dumb, was not a good kisser, and he really just wants her rose so he give it to Samantha (who he hopes will be appearing sooner rather than later). And playing the role of douchebag: Kentucky Joe!
Jared gets a date card and invites Clare, to Ashley's dismay ("I can't lose him to a cougar!"). They bungee jump off a cliff, and Clare screams way too loud for way too long. She is thrilled to return to the house to tell everyone that they kissed, which sets Ashley off on another crying jag. Seriously - she should promote waterproof mascara or fake lashes or whatever the hell is on her eyes, because the crazy amount of tears doesn't hamper her eye makeup. #jealous
Next to arrive is diabetic lawyer Michael G, who has only one mission: Tenley. Goodness, last week this girl had no one and now she finds herself in a "love square!"
Mikey G (not to be confused with Mikey T) asks Tenley (or, in his mind, Elevenly) on a date and she accepts. They listen to mariachi music and get some making out in for good measure. #viva
Jared and Clare have a heart-to-heart back at the house, where Jared lets her down not so easily: "You're 8 years older than me. I mean...you look great." Oof. Hurricane Clare starts brewing.
Jonathan and Mikey T both pull Juelia aside to voice their concerns about Joe not being here "for the right reasons," so Juelia pulls a classic BIP move and confronts Joe directly. He opts to confront Mikey and Jonathan directly, because he wants the rose, dammit. In the process he "hashtag made Mikey my bitch" and treated Jonathan "like I was his pimp," leaving Jonathan a sobbing mess and forcing him to apologize to Juelia for falsely accusing Joe of bad behavior. What the hell is this guy's deal. Creeper, level 5.
And speaking of creeper...right before the rose ceremony, Clare erupts at the group, saying they are way worse than Bachelor in Paradise season 1, because that cast was here for love, not for twisted games and politics. And just keeps yelling. At no one.
Jade responds at the rose ceremony that she is offended by Clare's insinuations, and she is there for love, thankyouverymuch. Clare oddly responds with a "if the shoe fits, wear it" and storms off sobbing (which should be the drinking game of the night) because once again there's no one there with love for Clarebear.
A few roses are given out:
Carly to Kirk
Ashley S to Dan
Jade to Tanner
Tenley to Joshua
And then we're hit with a "to be continued..." DAMMIT PEOPLE.
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