Bachelor in Paradise recap: Pickles and Passive-Agressiveness

They should rename this  program as The Joe and Sam show. Because it's always about them. And last night was no exception. After freaking out that Joe had too much drama and accepting Justin's date request, Samantha does a complete 180 and decides she really wants to be with Joe after all. Screw the drama (this, by the way, would make an excellent drinking game - drink every time Sam says "drama." You'd be wasted in no time!).

Sam breaks the news to Justin, who quickly rebounds by asking out Amber. She wishes Dan would show more interest, but figures maybe going out with someone else would convince him, so she accepts. They hit the town for some salsa dancing and making out, which then makes her cry because she misses Dan. The struggle is real, y'all.

The next lucky entrant to Paradise is none other than Chris Bukowksi, who has been on almost every other Bachelor program in history. (NOT something to brag about, but he does anyway -
"5th time's the charm!".) He has a date card, but decides to get wasted instead. Word on the street is that he wants to ask Tenley out, so one of the girls pulls Ten aside to warn her. "This could be an awkward pickle, so I wanted to let you know about the pickle beforehand." All this pickle talk made me giggle, but that's neither here nor there.
Chris finally pulls himself together enough to indeed ask Tenley out, and she politely declines. (Well, technically accepts but tells him she won't be kissing him ever.) Chris is done with Paradise (after a few more tequila shots), and gives his date card to Joshua, who also asks Tenley out and she accepts! They head to Guadalajara (not Laguardia, Joey Tribbiani) where they eat spicy peppers and "horny" fruit and make out in a horse carriage.

Amber returns from her date and pulls Dan aside, telling him she was only thinking of him while sucking face with someone else (um, thank you?). Dan drops the hammer, telling her they are just friends, because he wants to purse someone else...SAM! Come on people. She's pretty and whatever, but she CRAZY. (sic) I would have thought Dan would have better judgement, but as Carly says, the ocean is like Samantha-water, and all the guys are drinking it.

So now Amber is stressed about who to give her rose to at the rose ceremony, and so is Ashley I. Jared told her he wasn't interested, so she does what any crazytown rational girl would do - write a 5 page letter (FRONT AND BACK! Second Friends reference FTW) proclaiming her love. Oy. After he finishes reading/skimming, Jared needs a drink. Amber sidles up to him at the bar to announce that she is intrigued by him and would he accept her rose if she offered it? Poor Jared is caught between two crazies, neither of whom he is remotely interested in.

Amber then tells Ashley I what she just did, and I is not impressed. In fact, she is "emotionally overwhelmed." As opposed to, say, every other day when she's crying like a baby?? It's now a fight to the finish - who will get to offer up their flower first? (And yes, sexual innuendo intended. Duh)

Dan sees Joe and Samantha chatting closely, and knows his time is almost up to have a shot at his latest conquest. He pulls her aside and starts saying how Joe is not a good guy, and he would hate to see her end up with him. Joe senses the bad mojo and pulls Sam away for a kiss. She returns to Dan, who explains that after Paradise if she's out with her friends and her phone dies, Joe would go ballistic. Not that far-fetched.

Rose ceremony time! The easy couples go first: Jade and Tanner. Carly and Kirk. Ashley S (whose crazy is coming out in full force these days) and Nick. Tenley and Joshua. Juelia and Mikey. Ashley I and Jared, who actually accepts. Amber and Justin. And Sam and Joe Dan. What now?

Sam has once again played these fellas like a fiddle, and now she's onto the next. Dan actually believes they have something (poor sweet dumb Dan), and the rest of the gang starts to feel a little sorry for Joe, since it seems Sam was the master manipulator. (insert evil laugh here) Joe confronts Sam before he leaves, asking what in the hell just happened. Sam doesn't have much of an excuse aside from "no more drama" (where's Mary J Blige when you need her), and Joe threatens to show the text message in which she tells him to stay no matter what the cost. ("I will find you!" Thanks Last of the Mohicans) She denies denies denies, but in the exit limo he does pull up said text and admits that he deserves better.

But Joe being Joe, he closes with this lovely parting remark:

Nice.

Sam again tries to defend herself to the rest of the Paradisians, but Ashley S starts yelling at her, asking if Dan was also one of the guys she talked to before they arrived, and she is struck by her beauty! (Not sure she knows what that actually means.) She can't get over Sam's beauty, actually - compares her to Aphrodite, but not born out of a flower. "She's like a dead bird to me." And there you have it.

Chelsie arrives with a date card, and Carly decides she must push Dan on her in order to get Sam sent home once and for all. Stay tuned...

TO BE CONTINUED