Bachelor in Paradise - Love, Mexican Style

No rest for the weary - we're back in "Paradise" (aka Mexico) with a new crop of Bachelor/Bachelorette rejects - and it's a two-night premiere! Great. Because four hours of this is just what I need to start my week. (No, really.)

Chris Harrison is enjoying a tropical drink in a coconut and looking forward to this trainwreck of a season as he introduces...

The ladies:
Jade - Playboy-posing "wild stallion" that all the boys like
Tenley - rainbows and handstands (and not at all bitter that her ex Kiptyn just had a baby with someone else)
Ashley I - of the fake eyelashes, Aladdin fantasies and teas
Lauren I - Ashley I's younger, sluttier sister. Because that's what we wanted. More crylashing.
Ashley S - onion-loving resident of crazytown
Jillian - back with new boobs and that same black bar. Also apparently only packed bikinis.
Juelia - single mom whose ex killed himself - deserves some fun in the sun
Carly - the cruise ship singer who has apparently gone overboard (heh) with the extensions and highlights

The dudes:
Jared - freshly dumped by Kaitlyn, ready to mingle - with ALL the ladies
Mikey T - self-proclaimed "alpha male" who is instantly drawn to Lauren, although she does not feel the same
Tanner - pokes fun at the fact that Kaitlyn didn't even know his name, and is back to change that (sidebar: he does NOT look good in drag)
JJ - the "bad boy" - but where's Clint?
Dan - seems like the most mature and normal of the group. Which means he is probably not long for this world.
Kirk - instant connection to Carly, who tells him he smells good all the time. Aw.
Jonathan - also fresh off Kaitlyn's season, he's psyched about all the T&A at the beach


We learn that the I sisters come as a package deal - one gets a rose, the other gets to stay. Other contestants are a bit miffed - could they have brought THEIR sibling?? - but alas. These two should probably get their own spin-off, from Lauren tweaking Ashley's ponytail to make it "a little more Ariana," to Lauren telling Ashley her shoes are hideous, she is way too sweaty and her makeup application needs work, it's fairly amusing. (And also a little mean to Ashley)

Ashley S, meanwhile, is taken by the birds. She loves them, guys.

Before the date cards arrive, Chris Harrison invites everyone down to the beach for a surprise: Marcus and Lacy's wedding! These two tanaholics met on last season of Bachelor in Paradise, and clearly only invited like four people to the nuptials. But get hitched on TV they did, serving as the #relationshipgoals for the rest of the group.

Later that night, the drinks are flowing and relationships are forming. Carly and Kirk are already making out, Jared steals Jade away for a walk by the beach, and Lauren bawls about wanting to go home because everyone is so old and she doesn't like people. Ashley puts her sister to bed and then tries to form words around Jared, the only guy in the house who fulfills her Aladdin fantasy. She is struck dumb and mute, which of course makes her cry. She is finally able to formulate a sentence...and it's about Princess Jasmine. Sigh.

The next day, the first date card goes to Ashley I, and she wants to invite Jared. But does Jared like Jade? Would he turn her down? OMG what should she do?? Her sister convinces her to ask him, and she does. Thank god he accepts - imagine the tears if he said no - and they hit the mud in a Jeep, followed by champs on the beach. Ashley is in love. Not so sure what Jared is thinking.

Jade gets the next date card, and wonders if she should wait until Jared gets back and invite him out again. Has anyone ever been picked twice in a row on this show? Way to go, Jared. But wait - Jade decides to invite Tanner, who is super stoked to be with a playmate and can't believe his good fortune to meet her in person. They have chemistry, they make out at dinner, and Jade suggests stripping down to their skivvies and hopping in the river (thunder and lightning be damned). Personally I would be more concerned about leeches/pirhanas in that water, but whatever.

The thunder also acts as an excellent foreshadow that something is brewing - and that something is Clare. She's baaaaaaack!

Stay tuned for night two of the agony and the ectasy.