Bachelor in Paradise recap: This epiosde brought to you by tequila.

Another dramz-filled episode last night, amiright? We're back with JJ and Joe on the verge of fisticuffs, but they decide to #squashit and walk away. For now. Joe has bigger things to tend to, like his budding relationship with Samantha. But Sam is quick to deny any pre-existing relationship, even though Tanner has seen the screenshots and knows she's lying. Clare even asks how she could do this to her "supposably" good friend, but Sam doesn't bat an eye. Creepy.

Just before the rose ceremony, everyone knows Juelia is on the chopping block and tries to find ways for her to stay, but she doesn't want a pity rose (who does?!). She goes to find Chris Harrison and asks to bring back Mikey, who seemed to like her at the beginning. Chris says this goes against precedent...(hint: that's not a no...)

This is neither here nor there, but I must at this point point out that Ashley I is wearing the Heart of the Ocean necklace from Titanic:

The couples remain: Joe and Sam, Tanner and Jade, Kirk and Carly, Jared and Ashley, Joshua and Tenley. JJ gives his to Ashley S in a surprise move, and then excuses himself from the competition to go home and win back an ex-girlfriend. Loved the patriotic music behind his speech, after which he asks producers, "I didn't say anything stupid, did I?" #winning

Dan gave his rose to Amber, sending Megan, Clare and Juelia home. But wait - Mikey pops out of a suburban and is back to give he and Juelia another shot at paradise.

And speaking of shots...Tanner gets the next date card and invites Jade. They fly to Tequila, Mexico (who knew??), where they learn all about gin. Just kidding - it's tequila! They have a heart-to-heart and realize they are on the same page, and now Jade is officially Tanner's girlfriend. Aw. Thanks, tequila!

Nick from Ashley's season (and Bachelor Pad) arrives, ready to ask out Samantha. Because they were chatting for months prior to coming on the show, and texted and even saw each other in person! She told him if he would be in Paradise, she would say yes to a date with him. Wait a minute. I'm getting deja vu...so she was in communicado with TWO dudes prior to the show? Well-played, Sam. Verrrry evil and slutty of you. So when Nick shows up, her face pales - she's busted! Somehow she politely turns down his offer, and confused, he tells Mikey what's up. Not a fan of Joe (or Samantha, for that matter), Mikey revels in this new information.

Nick has no choice but to ask out Ashley S - she's the only one without a fella. So they head to the dock, where a boat is to take them to their own private Idaho island. But unfortunately a hurricane's a-comin', and the island is closed. Or, as the poor Hispanic captain tried to explain, "closed." But Nick and Ashley don't know what "closed" means in Spanish. Because they don't realize he's freaking speaking ENGLISH. Not the smartest duo, these two. After a few facepalms on my end, they decide to give up on the boat trip and hit a couples tequila massage instead, complete with lots and lots of tequila shots.  And some very awkward moments, when Ashley thought the birds were telling her to do naughty things to Nick:

I mean. No.
They end up drunkenly making out, but Nick thinks she is a little "off." #captainobvious

Back at home, Jared admits he still isn't over Kaitlyn, and it's time to dump Princess Jasmine, aka Ashley I. She cries (duh), and even calls Kaitlyn on the cell phone, asking "What the f@#$ did you DO to him?!" Not sure why Kaitlyn would even answer the phone, but assuming they paid her to do so.

There must be something in the water tequila - because now Sam is acting strange, and Joe can tell. It's his birthday, and all he wants is to spend it with his woman, who he admits is way out of his league. Joe plans a sad little birthday party for the two of them, and Sam uses this opportunity to break things off, saying it's "too much drama," and "maybe he's not such a good guy," and she'd like to "date around" in paradise, kthanks. Joe walks her out, still looking at his uneaten birthday cake, and vows revenge. He's going to show everyone the "700" text messages proving she was in on it from the beginning. He's gonna be like "Gotcha, bitch!"

TO BE CONTINUED