Bachelor recap: The sour smell of success

Right off the bat, we learn the answer to the boxers or briefs question - Ben wears very blue boxer briefs. At least I will be able to sleep at night knowing this. And now that he has (under)pants on, Ben is ready for his first group date with Jackie, LB, Lauren H, Becca, Amber, Mandi, JoJo, Jubilee, Jennifer and Lace - and they're going back to high school! Apparently high school was where Ben really came into his own, and he wants to relive the glory days. The girls are divided into teams of two and must compete in four "classes," with one team getting eliminated each round. The winning team will then get pitted against each other (because that's what we do), and there will be one Homecoming Queen to rule them all. Or at least to wear a crappy crown for a few hours.


There's a science class where the girls try to get a volcano to explode (heh heh). Jubilee and Lace are out on this one. Lunch is next (really?!), which involves bobbing for apples. Jackie doesn't have a big enough mouth (according to the other ladies), so her team is out. They should have recruited Big Mouth Olivia for this one:

Then comes geography, where the girls are supposed to place Indiana correctly on a US map. Becca and JoJo fail miserably, so it's on to gym class, where the teams are to make two free throws. Mandi and Amber are the winners, so then must compete against each other in hurdles. Mandi, being a dentist, clearly has the chops (hey-oh), and leaves Amber in her dust as she claims the Homecoming Queen title.

But the date isn't over - there's still time for Lace to prove to Ben that she isn't crazy. (Sidebar: if you have to keep telling someone you're not crazy, you most likely are.) But first, Ben must have one-on-one time (and play a little one-on-one) with Becca, then Jennifer (KISS ALERT), then Jubilee (KISS ALERT). Lace then gets her time, where she promptly interrupts Ben every time he tries to talk and admits to being "a lot." #youdontsay

She steals time with him again, amid their "eye f&*!%ing," and is convinced she's getting the rose. But it goes to JoJo, who Ben steals away to the roof (KISS ALERT) - clearly Ben is making up for lost time by kissing almost everyone. Well-played, sir.

Back at home, it's time for the first one-on-one date, which goes to Caila (and Olivia, above, literally must pick her giant jaw off the ground upon hearing it's not her). But Ben is not planning this date, Chris Harrison is - with the help of his "good friends" (aka first time meeting them ever) Kevin Hart and Ice Cube. These guys are only here for one thing: to promote their movie take Caila and Ben on a cheapskate date - fun! The date involves buying flowers from a guy on the street, buying condoms and liquor from a liquor store, and getting in a hot tub at a hot tub store. Thankfully, Ice and Hart depart, leaving Ben and Caila to a romantic dinner for two, in which Caila asks Ben about being "unlovable" and tells him about her near-engagement to the guy who was her destiny (until she found our Ben H was the bachelor). Ben is intrigued and gives her the rose. They then dance and sway during a private concert by Amos Lee (KISS ALERT).

The next group date will be a trip to the love doctor for Emily, Shushanna (who DOES speak English, as it turns out), Sam, Olivia, Haley and Amanda. Thank god the twins are together so no one needs to tell them apart. They head to the Love Lab, where "scientists" (aka actors in white lab coats) will determine how compatible the women are with Ben.

These tests are fairly embarrassing, including one in which the girls have to run on a treadmill and Ben has to blindly smell them (in their stomach area, "near their reproductive organs!") and determine who he likes best by smell. How very Helen Keller. Everyone smells fine - sweet, fruity, etc. - except poor Sam, who Ben determines smells "sour." OUCH. Poor thing - that's painful. He later tried to patch things up by telling her she smelled like gardenias, but the damage had been done.
Olivia's head (and mouth) continue to inflate because she got the highest compatibility score (poor stinky Sam got the lowest), and also got the group date rose (KISS ALERT). She's starting to wear on everyone's last nerve, especially Amanda, who had the guts to tell Ben about her daughters (which he totally took in stride, btw), and thought she had the rose locked in. #dammitbigmouth

At the rose ceremony, Olivia and Lace once again prove they are in it to win it (and potential BFFs) by stealing more time with Ben, much to the chagrin of Amber, who hadn't had any time with him at all. Lace embarrasses herself (and me) by telling him some sob story about having "devil bangs" and being teased, thereby the reason she has such a "bold" personality. Mmm-kay.

Ben has some time with Lauren B and gives her a photo of the two of them on the same stoop from the first night they met (and, technically, the last time they talked). Aw.  In another aw moment, Ben and Amanda hot glue barrettes (with roses on them - nice) for her daughters. How adorbs!

And with that, it's time to send some ladies home. LB gets a rose but decides to leave on her own, since she's a "quiet girl from Oklahoma," and dentist Mandi, tiny-mouth Jackie and sour Sam are all escorted out of the mansion. Man it's more fun to come up with nicknames for these gals. #amiright