Bachelor recap: when twins (and sex panthers) attack

Ben brings his harem, appropriately, to Vegas for a week of debauchery and jumping out of cakes. Because #vegas. The first one-one-one date goes to JoJo, and after the helicopter knocks over the champagne bottle, glasses and table, they take the opportunity to kiss behind the table (but in clear view of the other ladies). This does NOT sit well with Olivia, since Ben is "hers." We don't see much of the day date, and then it's nighttime and JoJo is ready to let her guard down. Her last boyfriend cheated on her, but she's ready to try again - music to Ben's ears. She gets the rose as fireworks go off. Because this show is all about subtlety.

The group date heads to ventriloquist Terry Fator's show, where he (or his puppet) announces that the girls will be showing off their "talents" in front of a packed audience that night. This would be fine, except none of the girls have a talent. The twins are grateful that their mother made them take dance lessons, so they perform a Lord of the Dance Irish jig. Jubilee rocks the cello. Lauren B juggles. Lauren H wears a chicken suit while reciting an Old MacDonald poem. I believe that was Caila performing the hula, and Leah on a freaking pogo stick. And then there's Olivia. She decides to don the Vegas Showgirl outfit, because she wants to stand out - she and Ben are "bam sha-bam!" And boy does she stand out. They wheel out a giant birthday cake, and out she pops, proceeding to do a very bad seemingly burlesque dance, much to the horror of the other girls (and apparently, the audience AND Terry Fator's puppet).

She knows it was bad, and can't let it go - even forcing some sort of "panic attack" after the show. Alrighty. Then at the reception, Olivia steals him away twice to apologize and fall on her sword. Ben laughs it off, but tells her to please stop apologizing. And she apologizes. BEN should apologize for borrowing a puppet he called "Little Ben" - the conversation with Lauren H and the two Bens was super awkward, especially when Lauren announced that Little Ben was bigger than she expected. HEY-OH. Also in the HEY-OH category: Ben calling Caila a "sex panther," after the outwardly shy girl pounced on him and started making out. Rawr, indeed. Ben spends some quality time with Lauren B, as they reminisce about her potential "last first date ever." He seals the deal by giving Lauren the rose, which sends Olivia off into a desperate spiral.

Not helping the situation: Becca's date card, which arrives with a box containing a wedding dress. Jubilee wishes Ben luck - "if she hasn't lost her virginity in 26 years, it probably won't happen in 6 hours..." Becca meets up with a dapper Ben at the little white wedding chapel, but just as he gets down on one knee, he proposes..to marry OTHER couples! PHEW! (Apparently Ben has conveniently gotten ordained online. Just in time, amiright?) They marry a few couples, and then Ben wants to know if Becca is capable of feeling (ouch). He takes her to a neon sign graveyard (I wanted some of these signs for my house, but that's neither here nor there), and she opens up about being able to love more with him than with Chris. Ben also asks about her virginity and his NON-virginity. She's cool with it, but admits it's tough not to "jump his bones" when she likes a guy. Huh. Ben is satisfied, reads some vows he wrote (aco-taco!), kisses her and gives her the rose.

We still have time for one more date! And it's with the twins. Who are from Las Vegas, so it's basically a hometown date. In which one or both twins will not come back. But hell - they do EVERYTHING together: live, work, date...and treadmill.

(Your eyes aren't deceiving you: there are only two of them. But yes, they are sharing a treadmill.)

Emily and Haley arrive in near-matching outfits to introduce Ben to their identical-looking mom and four obese dachsunds. Haley shows Ben her room, which has a ton of photos of her ex. Odd. Then Emily pulls Ben away, and decides to throw her twin under the bus. Haley is too shy, she's moving too slowly, and she feels too uncomfortable in this setting to move forward. Ben asks the mom's opinion - how very Sophie's Choice - and the mom reiterates that Emily is the more vocal, outgoing of the two. Annnnd peace out, Haley. The girls cry, but Emily looks quite satisfied riding back in the limo alone with Ben. So that just happened.

It's rose ceremony time, and once again, Olivia needs to feel validated and apologize for her cake debacle. She steals him away from Jennifer, who has barely gotten any screen time, and once again Ben tells her to please stop apologizing. He also has to tell this to Jubilee, whose "I'm just so unlovable" act is starting to wear thin. But both of these balls of insecurity covered in sequins get roses, and Amber and Rachel are sent home. Amber is devastated - she takes off her heels in protest - and poor Rachel must head back to Little Rock, unemployed and alone. But she's 23, folks - she'll be just fine.

Next week: viva Mexico!