Bachelor recap: #toegate

These girls are getting catty, y'all. Lots of name-calling and accusing, both behind each other's backs and flat-out in front of each other's faces. Let's dip a toe in, shall we?? (haha TOE)

First things first: Olivia spent $40,000 on clothes - for this show? In her entire life? (Either way. SHEESH.) But that drama will rear it's ugly head later - fhe first date card arrives! It's for Lauren B, the young flight attendant who was the first out of the limo but hasn't been seen much since. Ben takes her in an old-timey biplane, complete with bomber hats and aviator goggles. Somehow they manage to kiss (somewhat awkwardly, I might add) while the plane cruises above the mansion, taunting the girls left behind. After the flight, they hop into a hot tub in the middle of nowhere, and more kissing (and possible tooting) ensues. That evening over dinner, Lauren tells Ben she likes the simple things, like her dad, who is obsessed with his yard. Ben finds this endearing, and offers up his rose. They follow the meal with a concert by Dixie Chick lookalikes Lucy Angel. (Am I supposed to know who these people are? Just wondering.)

The group soccer date card arrives for Amanda, Haley, Jennifer, Shushanna, Leah, Amber, Lauren H, Olivia, Jami, Rachel, Lace and Emily. None of whom have ever played soccer before (Lauren: "I am not a good ball handler), so...this should be fun and possibly dangerous! Ben meets his ladies at the LA Coliseum to shoot around with World Cup champs Alex Morgan and Kelley O'Hara, who I thought were prettier and cooler than the contestants and was kind of hoping Ben would take a liking to. Dang. The girls are divided into Stars versus Stripes, and the winners get the hang out with Ben after the game. Losers ride home in the bus (but hopefully get to keep their cute jerseys!). Twin Emily is quite the goalie, and the game comes down to sudden death (would we expect anything less??). Rachel is injured, and Amber capitalizes to score the winning goal for Team Stripes. The Stars are devastated because #sports, and limp home with cleats in hand.

The Stripes (Olivia, Amber, Haley, Lace, Leah and Jami) clean up real nice for an evening with Ben. Olivia snags time with Ben first, because that's what she does, and her teammates quickly turn on her and gossip about her "fat toes" (?!?!) and bad breath. Nice, ladies. My big toes look like thumbs - bring it on! But Jami blabs to Olivia about what they said, although Olivia guesses almost every other part of her body that she finds fault with EXCEPT her toes (because who cares about toes). Like her cankles. Amber breaks from the #toegateparty to tell Ben how much she's grown in a year, which wins her a kiss and the rose. Olivia decides that Ben is sending her secret signals, like touching her leg when trying to stand up, because "he knows I get them." Um, he was using you for balance, cankle girl.

Jubilee is convinced she won't the last date card - she's up against Becca and JoJo, and they're real competition. But imagine her surprise when she DOES get the date card! She is so surprised, in fact, that she makes Ben work for it a bit, complaining that he's 20 minutes late and asking if any of the girls want to go on the date instead of her when she finds out it's in a helicopter since she's scared of heights (no helicopter trips in the army??). But she calms down and opens up to Ben on their date, calling him "white boy" and divulging that her entire family was killed in Haiti. She also makes him blush, telling him that she is obsessed with hot dogs, and she heard he's not as white as he looks, if you know what I mean. Ben does, and gives her a rose, much to the shock of the rest of the girls back at the house.

At the rose ceremony, Ben is somber - family friends passed away in a plane crash. Personally I would have cancelled the damn rose ceremony, but Ben presses on, listening to Olivia's sob story about people posting mean comments about her cankles on her blog. ENOUGH WITH THE CANKLES!!! Jubilee sees this isn't helping Ben feel better, so she gives him a private massage. This pisses off some of the girls who haven't had any time with him (makes sense), and insenses Amber, who already has a rose (doesn't make sense). Amber tries to get Jubilee to talk  to the girls, but Jubilee's no dummy - she knows this is bad idea jeans. So she runs and hides in the bathroom. Ben senses something is amiss, so heads up to find her. And Amber decides to join, proceeding to yell at Jubilee in front of Ben like a giant doofus. If she didn't already have a rose, she would have been out of there. Ben sides with Jubilee, obvi, and heads back downstairs, relieved the drama is over.

And then Lace pops up, asking to talk to him outside. You can hear an audible sigh from Ben - what NOW, ladies?? Sheesh! Lace has decided she needs to "work on herself," and is therefore taking herself out of the competition. (hooray!) Ben shrugs, not really giving two craps right about now. Rose ceremony time: Shushanna and Jami are given the boot, and Jami decides, at the ripe old age of 23, she is just giving up and going to adopt cats. COME ON PEOPLE. 23. Olivia decides that being chosen last is another of Ben's secret "signs," as was the squeeze he gave her waist when passing out the rose. Okay, crazy. You and your cankles just simmer down.

Until next week...