Bachelorette recap: Irish eyes are crying

Good lord there were a lot of tears this week. This show should be brought to you by waterproof mascara. Although guys cried as much as Kaitlyn did, so never mind.

Shawn is in Kaitlyn's room, freaking out about their relationship - she said he was "the one" off-camera in San Antonio, so why is she so into Nick?? (Off-camera will be a running theme this week, and someone should be fired for allowing all the important convos to take place off-camera, IMO.) Kaitlyn freaks out about Shawn freaking out, and tells him he just has to deal because that's the show, yo. She still thinks he might know about her "intimate night" with Nick. Clearly he doesn't or he would have already left, but whatevs. Time for a 2-on-1 date!

It's JJ versus Joe in the "one rose, who stays, who goes" showdown. It's a super boring date in which Joe professes his love for her and JJ confesses he cheated on his wife. Wonder who will get sent home. (JJ, obvi)


When Joe returns with the rose, Shawn has already been stewing in his anger soup all day and once again storms into Kaitlyn's room. He finally comes clean about how the off-camera convo messed with his head and needs reassurance. Kaitlyn once again says it's not show friends, it's show business, so get on with it.

At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn is stressed, and lets all the guys know it. Maybe it's that she slept with Nick too soon. Or maybe her nose piercing is rubbing her the wrong way. (Sorry - had to mention it.) She once again meets with Shawn and tells him they need to take a few steps back. Uh oh. Another uh oh: Ben H is pissed about his off-camera time with Kaitlyn (seriously. they couldn't find one cameraman during this time?) - something happened between she and Shawn that night, didn't it?! Ooh, he's very perceptive. And up for some smooching.

Nick has his time with Kait, and asks if he is the reason she's had such a bad week. And then starts crying, thinking about the last time he was on the show. Because that's what a girl wants to hear.

Tanner and Ben Z are given the boot, and I was honestly surprised it was Ben and not Cupcake. Although Cupcake is not long for this world either...

The remaining fellas head to Kilarney on a big green bus - except for Jared, who gets to road trip it with Kaitlyn. They stop at the Blarney Stone and kiss it and then kiss each other, which I kind of gagged at, thinking about those thousands of years of germs.

Chris Harrison finally appears to assess the damage little slutty Kaitlyn has done. It is decided that she shouldn't meet anyone's families yet - she is still too all over the map and needs off-camera time (!) will all the guys equally, dammit! Because that will make things so much less confusing for her and the guys. (insert sarcastic emoji here)

So the six guys will be cut to three, those three will go on the overnight dates (yay more sluttiness!), and the final two will introduce her to their families. The guys deal fairly well with this new turn of events, and Cupcake gets the date card. They helicopter it (drink!) over to the beautiful Cliffs of Moher, where Kaitlyn pushes him off.

Just kidding, but she might as well have, since she tells him through hiccuping sobs that he is perfect but she can't see a future with him. He presses her for more details and she gives him nothing, leaving him sobbing uncontrollably on the cliff. For a second I thought he might hurl himself over the edge (why else would a producer be standing so close to him?!), but he just threw himself on the ground in a fit. Because that's what a girl wants to see.

To Be Continued...(probably off-camera)

TMI

I ran a 10K a few weeks ago. I think I have mentioned that I no longer train for races and just go out there and hope for the best. This time, although it was ridiculously humid and I was drenched in sweat by mile 1, it wasn't my body that gave out - it was my underwear. I chose to wear a very comfortable - yet as it turns out, very loose - pair of granny panties under my running shorts. Big mistake. Huge.

Immediately the undies started sliding down, and the entire race I had to keep shoving my hands down my shorts to pull them up (sorry, fellow runners). I was seriously tempted to run behind a bush and just take them off and go commando, but felt that would be inappropriate. Equally inappropriate, though, was the end of the race when I gave up and let them hang down underneath my shorts.

It was not a good look, people. Not at all. I totally earned my finishers medal that day.

Totally Sk80s

We had an 80s rollerskating party last night for work (because why not). A few thoughts:

• Legwarmers worn in the summer in Texas are a very bad idea. Soooo hot.
• Roller rinks have not changed since the 1980s. They literally look (and smell) the same. I was very interested in where they bought the roller skate carpeting, however. My house does need new carpet...
• Wearing multiple neon colors while driving, I was praying not to get in an accident or get pulled over. However, by the end of the night I was so hungry that I went to get fro yo, not really caring what the hell I looked like. The girl at the counter, bless her heart, looked me up and down and just said, "Bright!" When I explained where I had been, she seemed relieved.

Get outta my dreams, get into my car (beep beep yeah)

For the second time in three years, a car dealership has called me, expressing interest in buying my car. (No clue how they keep finding me, but that's another post.) Now, it's not like I'm driving impressive vehicles here. The first time, it was a 2007 Jeep Liberty. And now, it's my 2012 Ford Mustang. Which I've actually been wanting to trade in because, although it's super sporty and shiny and cute, it doesn't hold jack in the trunk and it's just not practical. #sigh

So, ironically I may be trading in the 'stang for another Jeep. Full circle, anyone?

Such a tool.

A very kind co-worker is letting me have his yard tools since he moved into an apartment. So I am now the proud owner of a tree trimmer, a weed whacker, an edger and a leaf blower. I don't know how to use any of them, and was honestly most excited when he showed me that my back seats fold down and I could in fact fit these giant tools in my tiny car. Owned the car for two years and never knew that. Game changer, people.

Bachelorette recap: sex, brags and Irish rock and roll

Let's just dive right in, shall we? We're back in San Antonio with Ian berating Kaitlyn on being shallow and only wanting to plow guys' fields (she had to know that joke would come back to bite her in the ass, no?). It's clear that Princeton-bred Ian knows he's going home, and wants to save face (and in so doing, make a run for the next Bachelor). Interesting way of going about that, buddy. Kaitlyn is so over it, and sends him on his merry way. In the exit limo, Ian once again reminds us how deep he is, and what a great Bachelor he'd make - and how he needs to have sex. Annnnnd scene. Guessing he won't be asked to speak at any Princeton alumni events any time soon.

Kaitlyn is shaken up, and Nick comes to the rescue - by making out with her. Not sure how much of a mental connection these two have, but there is certainly a physical one...(more on that later) Shawn busts in on the two of them smooching, and he is not amused. He questions what he and Kaitlyn have, if she can seemingly have it with another guy too. (Has he WATCHED The Bachelor before? Because that's kind of the MO of the show. Just saying.) Kaitlyn has accepted her role as the "makeout bandit," dammit - and we should all get on board. Nick first of course. (HEY-OH)

She pulls it together for a rose ceremony at the Alamo, and we pull ourselves together for lots of bad Alamo-related metaphors and "last stands in the wild west." Justin and Joshua (and his tragic half-hawk hairdo) are given the (cowboy?) boot, but the rest of the group is pumped - they're off to Ireland!

Cue bad "luck of the Irish" jokes, because Kaitlyn does in fact get lucky in Dublin. She and Nick have a one-on-one date that involves a little tourism, a splash of whiskey, and a bunch of inappropriate making out and groping in a Catholic church. Nick mumbles "I'm feeling for you," which I will blame on the whiskey, and she invites him back to her hotel room. But not before straddling him on the streets of Dublin in a very short skirt. And we wonder why everyone hates Americans. Although Kaitlyn is Canadian...

We cut back to the guys in the hotel room. The poor naive guys who think Kaitlyn and Nick are probably having a bad time, but how Nick has been there before and will probably make it to the end. Cut back to gross sounds in Kaitlyn's room because apparently the microphones are still on. Ew.

In case you are totally clueless, we are treated to images of this the next morning:

The birds and the bees, duh.
Plus Nick's walk of shame and Kait's "oh man what have I done" on the balcony kind of sealed the deal. Nick heads back to the guys' hotel room, and Kaitlyn fears he will blab of his conquest. But all he really says is that she invited him back to her room and they talked and it was "intimate." Hmmm.

The guys can't dwell on this too much, because it's group date time! And in another very weird date with embarrassing performances that are clearly Kaitlyn's cup of tea, it's her Irish wake and she lies in an (open) coffin while the guys give the eulogy. Because nothing says romance like kissing a corpse. The whole thing kind of gave me the heebie jeebies, but luckily the guys had fun with it (or, as much fun as they possibly could since their girlfriend was "dead"). Tanner and Jared wrote Irish limericks (well played), Ben H told a grim story of Kaitlyn getting eaten by pigeons, which is her biggest fear, Cupcake sang an Irish dirge, Shawn toasted to Kait killing herself after spending the day before with Nick, and poor Ben Z made the other guys clear out so he could have a heartfelt moment with Kaitlyn and was reminded of his mother's funeral. Yay for depressing dates!

Kaitlyn knows she has to boost the mood back up, so cocktail hour begins. She spends some quality time with Jared, and then Shawn shows her family photos (aw). But Jared (who reminds me more and more of a Reality Bites-era Ethan Hawke) gets the rose - which entitles him to a private concert by The Cranberries (!!). "Linger" took me right back to high school. And I liked it.

Not getting the rose after opening himself up sends Shawn into a downward (possibly drunken) spiral. He storms outside to talk to a producer, saying he and Kaitlyn stayed up the whole night talking and she told him he was the one. So why didn't HE get the rose?? He threatens to walk, so is escorted to Kaitlyn's room (soon to be a tourist destination in Ireland) and we are once again hit with a To Be Continued.Sigh.

We do learn that Britt has introduced Brady to her mother, who has placed him squarely in the friend zone. And I guess we have to wait until next week to see the dreaded two-on-one date with JJ and Kentucky Joe...

No "love" of tennis over the weekend

Found a tennis center near my house, so dusted off my racket and headed over on Saturday for a group lesson. However, the instructor was sick, so the class was cancelled. Since I was already in my tennis finery, I decided not to waste an opportunity, so rented the ball machine. The kid who set it up clearly didn't know what he was doing, and the oscillation was set on the highest level. (aka the balls were shooting so far apart across the court that I was sprinting to even try to make contact.) I tried to fix it myself but couldn't, so resigned myself to getting an amazing workout (sweat was literally dripping off my eyelashes). After an hour or so, the head of the center finally came over and asked what the hell I was doing, and how long had the machine been like this. Doubled over, I panted "an hour!" and he fixed it for me. My god what a difference a few turns of the wrist makes. At least I was able to knock out 29000 steps on my pedometer. #silverlining

Houston, we have a problem

So excited that they made The Astronaut Wives Club into a miniseries. Loved the book, and love the clothes/hair/cars from that time. (helloooo, Mad Men!) Kind of wish it would be a recurring series, but I guess there's only so much subject matter in a limited amount of time. Whatever - I will enjoy the 10 eps and maybe re-read the book. #nasageek

Another relationship ruined by Facebook

Why is it that every time I post something on Facebook about a guy, it ends up blowing up in my face? First, it was my New Year's Eve date. Put a photo of us up, and shortly thereafter he deleted me from all social media. Then Friday I put up a photo collage, tagging a guy I had been seeing, including the flowers and champagne that he brought over. He later freaked out about being tagged, and I haven't heard from him since. I can at least say I have learned two things: one, that guys apparently no longer feel the need to actually have a break-up conversation with you, and two, that I will no longer post anything about boys until I'm engaged to one. Actually, that could still blow up in my face. So I will no longer post unless I'm married. In summary, no one hold your breath.

You know you're an old homeowner when...

You are excited by the news of the imminent tropical storm and its accompanying torrential rains, because that means you don't have to lug out the sprinkler and water the lawn. #thanksmothernature

Bachelorette Recap: The "ups and lows" of dating 12 dudes at once

Action-packed two hours, amiright? We open once again with Nick walking into the guys' hotel room, and it's basically a firing squad. All the guys on one side, Nick on the other. Gotta hand it to Nick, he took it like a man, very relaxed and calm, as the guys asked what his intentions were with this "cool chick." I liked how Tanner said "We've all read the tabloids, man" - really? I doubt you ALL read Us Weekly.

The scene quickly turns into a rose ceremony, but no cocktail party - just time to boot some more of these idiots off. To do so, they hit Citi Field where the Mets play, and it's apparently freezing. JJ runs the bases while carrying Kaitlyn - assuming so he can go home and tell his friends he scored. HEY-OH. Clearly coats are not part of the production. These guys look miserable. Particularly Corey, Ryan and Jonathan - who get sent home.

The remaining fellas head to San Antonio for some fun in the Texas sun and lots of denim outfits thanks to Kaitlyn.The first date card arrives and it's for Ben H. They head to Gruene Hall to compete in a two-step contest, minutes after learning how to two-step. Because again, Kait is all about humiliation tactics this season (stay tuned for the group date!). They eventually get tapped out of the contest, but Ben is quite the charmer, somewhat opens up about past relationships (long distance = the devil), convinces her 26 is kind of old enough to maybe consider marriage, and lands the rose.

The group date involves a plethora of pinatas. Otherwise known as 10 dudes dressed as the Three Amigos:

Great TV right there. Of course, it's not all invisible swordsmen and Ned Nederlander: they have to write and perform a mariachi song for Kaitlyn in front of a crowd of strangers. (Hence the public humiliation I referred to earlier.) The guys get schooled (and then literally schooled) by a pre-pubescent marichi who tells them their muscles won't help them now. Give this kid his own show!

The guys are all fairly terrible, including Ian, who has once again bragged about being the best singer in the group, but Joe's "will you mariachi me?" is fairly adorable. And then Nick brings out the big guns, taking Kaitlyn upstairs to the balcony and serenading her without abandon. He's terrible, but endearing - like Cameron Diaz's karaoke performance in My Best Friend's Wedding. You want to hate him, but you can't.

But Joshua can. His hatred and distrust of all things Nick continues to grow, even after he lets Kaitlyn give him the Most Dramatic Haircut in Bachelor History. One side of his head is totally shaved, and the other side...isn't. As Justin puts it, he looks like he got his head stuck in a wood chipper. Yay. But Joshua isn't done - he takes his lopsided locks back out to tell Kaitlyn that none of the guys like Nick. (For those of who have watched this show for years, you know this is a very very bad idea.) Kaitlyn can't believe all the guys are lying to her, so marches in and asks them if anyone is being untruthful. Of course they all shrug and mumble, and she puts Joshua on the spot and even HE goes against what he just told her. C'mon man. Pull your head out of the wood chipper. Not a fan of the drama, Kaitlyn gives the rose to Nick. Much to Josh's chagrin. And much to Nick's glee. He confesses he might even fall in love with this girl. That's ONE...

The final one-on-one date goes to Gosling/Shawn, who we get to see in all his shirtless wonder when they go kayaking down the Riverwalk. Shawn has Joshua's back in the Nick situation, but is wise enough to know that he needs to talk about himself, not other guys. So he spills his sob story about being in a terrible car accident that he shouldn't have survived, and now he's so grateful to be here at all, let alone with Kaitlyn, who he confesses he IS falling in love with. That's TWO... and let it be known, Kaitlyn is so overcome with emotion that she admits to him that she feels the same way. Cue the fireworks. (Literally. There are fireworks.) And the rose.

Back at the hotel, Ian is starting to unravel. His good looks, Princeton smarts, athletic prowess, singing abilities and the fact that he too cheated death are all wasted on this Kaitlyn woman, and he's not used to going unnoticed by the ladies. He gets a LOT of sex. (He told us so.) He also reminds us several times that he would make a great Bachelor. Oh good lord. He's over it, and he's ready to announce it to Kaitlyn. Basically he knows he'll be going home anyway, and wants to be the dumper not the dumpee.

But before he can do any dumping, Jared steals Kaitlyn away at the cocktail party to announce that he too is falling in love with her. That's THREE for anyone keeping score. Well played, Kait.

And then it's Ian's turn. He jumps right in, telling Kaitlyn he thinks she's shallow, she just wants to get her field plowed and make out with guys on TV, and that he's better than the fart-joke telling guys in the house who she clearly likes. Just as it looks like she's about to slap him silly, we get the dreaded To Be Continued.

#dammitABC

Like looking in a mirror.

Why am I just now hearing that they are making a sequel to Twins?? Of course it's called Triplets, and of course it stars Danny DeVito, Arnold Schwarzenegger and Eddie Murphy. Sadly, I am totally on board with this. TOTALLY.

Signs you know your dog is in charge

1. You are hungry and want a late-night snack but refrain because you know the noise will wake her up (and you also don't want to have to share said snack)

2. When she snuggles up in the bed and makes it uncomfortable for you to sleep, you move to the other side of the bed, using the bad pillow and everything, simply to avoid bothering her

3. Every time you go to the grocery store/Target/TJ Maxx you come home with some sort of doggie treat or toy, even though she has hundreds at home that go uneaten/unused

NOTE: This list might actually be better titled "Signs you are a crazy person."  #sigh

Stuck on you

When did cars become the ultimate bragging symbol? And I'm not even talking about the make and model - that's actually fine with me. I'm talking about the stickers on the back window, indicating how many lovely kids and pets you have in your family and what sports they all play. The stickers that say how many miles you have run (13.1! 26.2!) or what cool vacation spots you have been to. And of course the "My child is an honor student at XX middle school" nightmares.

I guess it all started with political party bumper stickers and "Baby on Board" tags in the 80s, although the latter was originally meant for safety. And then the college stickers - which I am guilty of sporting currently. My brother and I toured Harvard when I was in grad school in Boston (NOT at Harvard), and he bought a "Harvard Law" sticker for his car. Because we figured, who's gonna think you would put a FAKE brag sticker on your car? Might as well go all out. Go brag or go home, right?

Bachelorette recap: The return of Ashley. And Ashley. And Nick.

Another wild episode without so much as a rose ceremony. I guess they feel the drama is coming elsewhere this season. Can't say I disagree with that.

We open with Kaitlyn about to dump Clint for being a dick (in the bleeped out words of the other guys). Clint makes a good case for himself, saying the other guys are talking sh*t because they're just jealous, and for a second I fear she will be persuaded to keep him around for another week. But luckily she sees through his BS and brings him back inside to say his goodbyes. He immediately goes after the other guys, asking who ratted him out to Kaitlyn. And the one guy we think will defend him, JJ, decides to turn on him and demands an apology from Clint for his behavior. Dang dude. That's your bro. You popped his bacne in the shower. That's cold. They have words, albeit one exchange complimenting each other's wardrobe, and the BRO-keback mountain references resume: "JJ could quit Clint, but he couldn't quit him!" Ba dum bum.

All the other guys see his rejection of his former BFF as a glimpse into who he really is. AKA a total d-bag. They're hoping for a rose ceremony to eliminate the back half of the jackass costume. But Kait is exhausted from the drama so cancels the rose ceremony for the night. Instead, Chris Harrison announces that the group is headed to NYC! JJ is not whooping it up with the other guys, though - he is deep in thought because he's not looking for a boyfriend, fellas. He's looking for a GIRLfriend. Are you sure?

The first New York group date is another embarrassing performance-related excursion, which Kaitlyn seems to favor. This time, Justin, JJ, Ben Z, Corey, Shawn, Tanner, Ryan and Jonathan have to rap battle with Doug E Fresh as a mentor. None of the guys feel very confident, aside from JJ, who always feels confident, even though he doesn't listen to rap but instead broadway musicals. Mmm-kay.The raps are therefore fairly sad, from Shawn showing his impressive six-pack to JJ calling NYC women ho's. Corey impressed, pulling down his pants and pulling on a skullcap to emulate Eminem. Justin claims that his battle with Shawn is like "Gosling versus Matt Damon," which is fairly accurate for Shawn (although I don't see the Matt Damon comparison, sorry), and even references the Notebook, which is probably why he gets the group rose. But wait - who is lurking in the last row of the club but Ashley I (of the famed fake eyelashes from Chris' season) and Nick V (of the famed "why did you have sex with me if you didn't love me" from Andi's season)! Apparently he and Kaitlyn struck up a "friendship" over social media, and Nick wants to vie for her heart. But it's already four weeks in - can she do that to the other guys? They are certainly not thrilled - Shawn makes a valid point about if she's so secure with the fellas she has, why is there a need to bring in someone else - but a smoochfest with Nick (which makes me think it was more than a "friendship" and a weird hairdo sesh with crazytown Ashley S (also from Chris' season - and sidebar, she can't do better than a sad side braid??), Kait decides it's HER show, dammit, and invites Nick to stay. Dun dun DUN.

But there's even more crap happening (including a weird cut to a seeming snowstorm in NYC that mysteriously melts away), because Jared gets the one-on-one date. He looks dapper in his tux, and they share a romantic dinner followed by an even more romantic helicopter ride (take a drink!) over the city. Jared won't comment on the Nick situation, saying he supports whatever she wants to do. Lots of smooching ensues, and Kaitlyn is falling more and more for this goober who writes sad little love poems so gives him the rose.

The last group date is yet ANOTHER embarrassing performance. (Seriously. We get it.) They guys have to audition for Disney's Aladdin on Broadway. Complete with learning a dance number (jazz hands!), acting and singing "A Whole New World" to Kaitlyn. The winner gets to perform onstage with her that night, while the other saps have to go back to the hotel. That's Broadway, chumps. It ain't easy. Ian has some impressive singing chops, but the director feels he is singing too much (?) and they award the prize to Cupcake, who is a little too into the performance for my taste. But he makes up for it by showing his impressive abs in the ridiculous outfit they give him to wear. (I wish MY dentist looked like that!)

Their big debut lasts all of 20 seconds, and they have no lines at all. Nice! But it's a "night to remember" and they end up at the New Year's Eve ball in Times Square. Cupcake gets the rose for his winning portrayal of...whatever the hell that was.

The guys are back at the hotel, just waiting for stupid Nick to arrive. Will they snub him? Will they antagonize him? Will they pants him? Guess we'll have to wait until next week to find out. #seriouslywhatisthedealwiththecliffhangers

We learn over the end credits that Britt and Brady are still going strong and are officially BF-GF. And her bright pink lipstick is on fleek. Not sure I used that correctly.

Invasion of the pod people? Or just overly-friendly neighbors? You be the judge.

My across-the-street neighbors are super nice, but they're almost too involved. They met at their 50-year reunion (aw) and have been married for 5 years. Both retired, they basically sit at the window and watch the street. Which is great from a security standpoint, but not really from a privacy one. Every single time I go outside, it's like they've been waiting for me and one or both of them pounces. Sometimes it's great - Saturday the wife followed me into my backyard (which nearly gave me a heart attack) and invited me over to swim, since they had seen me mowing the lawn (and they see everything). So I agreed, and their pool (and the accompanying glass of wine) was glorious. But other times it's not so great -  the husband emailed me a few times last week about renting a wood splitter (like I know what that is), and I didn't get a chance to write back. So on Sunday he emailed again, saying "you've never taken this long to respond before - are you okay?!" (Mind you, I have known these people for all of two weeks.) Good lord man. Although again, if I were trapped under something heavy this would be a good way to let someone know...

The wife saw me outside yesterday afternoon and brought over some homegrown tomatoes. Which I sincerely appreciate. And sincerely hope they didn't drug.

A few more "firsts" to check off the list

Buying a house by myself means learning a bunch of crap I never thought I would have to know. Or really wanted to know. For example:

• How to kill slugs (aside from pouring salt on them, but that's just fun kid stuff)
• How to rake a lawn (I know, this one is embarrassing. I even asked how the leaves got into the bags after they had been raked.)
• How to mow a lawn (still in the learning process on this one)
• How to use a power drill (kind of obsessed)
• How to put together a hammock stand/bed frame/shelving units/towel racks/curtain rods/you name it
• The names of a crapload of tools and lawn care products (I am now the proud owner of a spreader and something called "weed and feed")
• What a soaker hose is and how to use it
• When to water plants (my answer to this one is "when they look dead")
• And many many more.

Look for my handywoman show, D-I-Why Not, coming soon to HGTV. Ha.

Dugg-ing their own grave

How bout those Duggars. I always knew there was something weird about that family, and I guess now we know. I watched the interview with Michelle and Jim Bob last night, and when not obsessing over Michelle's dire need for a makeover, I found myself rolling my eyes repeatedly as they tried to gloss over the issue and focus on the illegality of releasing the "sealed" juvenile files. That may be true, but it still happened, Duggars. Side hugs be damned - time for the Duggar ladies to pull on some big-girl pants (maybe even jeans) and run - don't walk - out of that house and off of that show. Get a college education. Kiss a boy who's not your brother (sorry, had to). You can do it!

Helluva marketing ploy.

Well, if this isn't the saddest/sweetest thing I've ever seen. Seriously - was bawling at work yesterday.

http://abcnews.go.com/Health/tissues-psa-organ-donation/story?id=31214420

And certainly making me think about the organ donation question on my driver's license. Well-played, advertisers. Well-played.

Bachelorette recap: Villains gotta vill

This week's Bachelorette is brought to you by the letter "B": bad guys, bare butts and bromance.We start with Kupah, who has still been kicked off and yet still refuses to leave. He is yelling at the producers, telling them how upset he is (duh), and then Kaitlyn comes out to confront him and he goes all sad puppy dog, telling her once again that he doesn't want to go home. She doesn't give a crap, like a real Canadian would, and it's time for Kup to fly the coop. (See what I did there?) He gives more sarcasm and drama to the camera and finally goes, so it's time to get back to the rose ceremony and kick off more guys! Cory and Daniel are given the boot, and I honestly barely remember ever seeing them on a previous episode.

For some god forsaken reason, she keeps Healer Tony (although since she later says she has a thing for Jared's black eye, maybe it was Tony's mysterious black eye in episode one that kept him around?), but he gives HIMSELF the boot after the group date the next day, involving two sumo wrestlers and a bunch of dudes in assless diapers:

(Damn you, network censors! In the back AND in the front!)

The guys all get annihilated by the giant Asian men, but still seem to have some fun with it. Tony, however, is a lover not a fighter (still - black eye. WHAT), and wonders aloud why they can't just go to the zoo and make animal sounds. (This is a direct quote, people) I kind of think he was still on the show for Britt anyway, and this was just one more reason to leave. Peace, Tony. Namaste. Or whatever.

After the pseudo-sumo, Clint decides that Kaitlyn needs to make an effort to talk to him. Which she doesn't. Instead, she and Shawn snuggle up and he gets the rose. Clint doesn't care - he's not into Kaitlyn anyway. He's more interested in pursuing a bromance with JJ. These two are BFFs - they shower together, pop each other's zits, hang in the hot tub, serenade each other on the guitar, talking about turtles, and basically enjoy being douchey. As JJ puts it, "Villains gotta vill." Okay...

Ben Z gets the one-on-one date this week, and Chris Harrison has planned the entire date. I guess he likes freaking the hell out of people, because Kait and Ben go to "The Basement," a horror-fest of terror including live snakes, scorpions and the grossest toilet I have ever seen, where they must solve a puzzle before "poisonous gas" is emitted. (The puzzle ended up spelling out "roses," which took both of them much longer to spell than it should have.) I gotta side with Tony on this - can't they just go to a damn zoo?! But it brings Ben and Kaitlyn closer, and after he tells her he hasn't cried since he was was a boy, he gets the rose. Anyone else sort of hoping that would make him cry finally??

The last group date involves guys teaching sex ed to a bunch of impressionable kids in a school setting. We later learn that Kaitlyn is punking the guys (of course she is, that jokester!), and the kids are all actors, but still. They're kids. Asking the guys about wet dreams and sexual positions and what I can only assume is "what is the clitoris?" because some comments were beeped out. Ohhhhh lord. To their credit, the guys did great. Even Joshua having to show the girls how to use a tampon. Seriously?? Ben H was endearing, bringing it back to love and pulling Kaitlyn up to represent the egg while he was the sperm, swimming around "the other mess" to get to her. I had a flashback of the Reproduction scene from Grease 2. Ben obviously deserved and received the rose for his efforts.

At the rose ceremony, Kaitlyn hints at wanting to find out more about the divisiveness in the house, but before she can, Clint pulls her away to get back in her good graces. It works, which is good, because although he doesn't like her, he's not ready to leave his best pal JJ. But enough guys have started talking to Kait about this terrible twosome that she's annoyed by the lies and wants to take action. She grabs Clint and they head outside, where...

TO BE CONTINUED
(#curses)