Bachelorette recap: sex, brags and Irish rock and roll

Let's just dive right in, shall we? We're back in San Antonio with Ian berating Kaitlyn on being shallow and only wanting to plow guys' fields (she had to know that joke would come back to bite her in the ass, no?). It's clear that Princeton-bred Ian knows he's going home, and wants to save face (and in so doing, make a run for the next Bachelor). Interesting way of going about that, buddy. Kaitlyn is so over it, and sends him on his merry way. In the exit limo, Ian once again reminds us how deep he is, and what a great Bachelor he'd make - and how he needs to have sex. Annnnnd scene. Guessing he won't be asked to speak at any Princeton alumni events any time soon.

Kaitlyn is shaken up, and Nick comes to the rescue - by making out with her. Not sure how much of a mental connection these two have, but there is certainly a physical one...(more on that later) Shawn busts in on the two of them smooching, and he is not amused. He questions what he and Kaitlyn have, if she can seemingly have it with another guy too. (Has he WATCHED The Bachelor before? Because that's kind of the MO of the show. Just saying.) Kaitlyn has accepted her role as the "makeout bandit," dammit - and we should all get on board. Nick first of course. (HEY-OH)

She pulls it together for a rose ceremony at the Alamo, and we pull ourselves together for lots of bad Alamo-related metaphors and "last stands in the wild west." Justin and Joshua (and his tragic half-hawk hairdo) are given the (cowboy?) boot, but the rest of the group is pumped - they're off to Ireland!

Cue bad "luck of the Irish" jokes, because Kaitlyn does in fact get lucky in Dublin. She and Nick have a one-on-one date that involves a little tourism, a splash of whiskey, and a bunch of inappropriate making out and groping in a Catholic church. Nick mumbles "I'm feeling for you," which I will blame on the whiskey, and she invites him back to her hotel room. But not before straddling him on the streets of Dublin in a very short skirt. And we wonder why everyone hates Americans. Although Kaitlyn is Canadian...

We cut back to the guys in the hotel room. The poor naive guys who think Kaitlyn and Nick are probably having a bad time, but how Nick has been there before and will probably make it to the end. Cut back to gross sounds in Kaitlyn's room because apparently the microphones are still on. Ew.

In case you are totally clueless, we are treated to images of this the next morning:

The birds and the bees, duh.
Plus Nick's walk of shame and Kait's "oh man what have I done" on the balcony kind of sealed the deal. Nick heads back to the guys' hotel room, and Kaitlyn fears he will blab of his conquest. But all he really says is that she invited him back to her room and they talked and it was "intimate." Hmmm.

The guys can't dwell on this too much, because it's group date time! And in another very weird date with embarrassing performances that are clearly Kaitlyn's cup of tea, it's her Irish wake and she lies in an (open) coffin while the guys give the eulogy. Because nothing says romance like kissing a corpse. The whole thing kind of gave me the heebie jeebies, but luckily the guys had fun with it (or, as much fun as they possibly could since their girlfriend was "dead"). Tanner and Jared wrote Irish limericks (well played), Ben H told a grim story of Kaitlyn getting eaten by pigeons, which is her biggest fear, Cupcake sang an Irish dirge, Shawn toasted to Kait killing herself after spending the day before with Nick, and poor Ben Z made the other guys clear out so he could have a heartfelt moment with Kaitlyn and was reminded of his mother's funeral. Yay for depressing dates!

Kaitlyn knows she has to boost the mood back up, so cocktail hour begins. She spends some quality time with Jared, and then Shawn shows her family photos (aw). But Jared (who reminds me more and more of a Reality Bites-era Ethan Hawke) gets the rose - which entitles him to a private concert by The Cranberries (!!). "Linger" took me right back to high school. And I liked it.

Not getting the rose after opening himself up sends Shawn into a downward (possibly drunken) spiral. He storms outside to talk to a producer, saying he and Kaitlyn stayed up the whole night talking and she told him he was the one. So why didn't HE get the rose?? He threatens to walk, so is escorted to Kaitlyn's room (soon to be a tourist destination in Ireland) and we are once again hit with a To Be Continued.Sigh.

We do learn that Britt has introduced Brady to her mother, who has placed him squarely in the friend zone. And I guess we have to wait until next week to see the dreaded two-on-one date with JJ and Kentucky Joe...