Baby New Year

Well, surprise surprise - the baby is here! Georgia Cole ("Georgie" arrived on Thursday. I am ridiculously tired but ridiculously in love. Was awake in the middle of the night (per usual) and thought I felt my water break. I was just going to wait until my 8:30am dr's apt, but felt contractions so after talking to the on-call doctor (and clearly waking him up), I went on in. Noticed meconium when I went to the bathroom, which concerned the doctors and nurses, and I was concerned that after three hours of contractions I was still only dilated to 1cm. So they started me on Pitocin at 9am, and that really kicked things into high gear. So much so that within an hour I needed an epidural. I was probably only dilated to like 4cm, but holy crap the pain. Epidural was great and in no time I was up to 9.5cm. The epidural kept wearing off, so had to keep getting bumps. Finally time to push and she was basically out but the doctor was performing a C-section so we had to wait. And wait. At one point I was like, I'LL get her out! But my mom and I got to watch her being born, which was super cool and not nearly as gross as I thought it would be. Didn't get to feed her right away because of the meconium issue, but I did get to hold her after I got my laceration stitched up (apparently I'm too good of a pusher). They decided she was still grunting so went to the transitional nursery for a while to be monitored, but after an hour she joined me in my room and latched on right away. OBSESSED!!

The Boy Scouts get me.

Being so close to delivery, I have adopted the Boy Scout mantra: always be prepared. I feel like I need to shave and wash my hair every day, just in case THIS is the day I go into labor. (And yes, I typically shave and wash my hair every day anyway, but being off for four days it was tempting to just take a pass.) It's super weird not knowing. Like every sneeze is going to set something in motion. (Although I sneezed like 6 times today and nada.) Maybe I can schedule an induction just to take some of the unknown out of it. And then will most certainly go into labor the day before. #becausekarma

Domo arigato Mrs Roboto

Megyn Kelly is terrible. I have admittedly never watched her show, but I have caught segments on Sirius XM. It is the most awkward, forced conversation I have ever heard. Like today, it was about how to wrap oddly-shaped packages for the holidays. And she seemed like a robot trying to fake friendly. Yikes.

I guess I could save money on daycare...

What happens if you get laid off while on maternity leave? (Asking for a friend.)

Why do I do this to myself

How many Hallmark Christmas movies can a person watch in one weekend? A lot. That's how many. And how many have the main character named Holly? Most.

Hours I will never get back, folks.

Glitterati

It's a screenshot from a video, so pardon the bad photo, but here are my "YSL" boots:

I mean. Fairly similar. And only $10K cheaper.

Do I need a flashing sign or something?

Went to a dermatologist today and in the exam room the nurse was asking me questions - birth date, etc. Then she goes, "Any chance you might be pregnant?" I stared at her for a second and then answered, "Yes, there's a good chance." #9months #howisthisnotobvious

Oldie but a goodie

In the spirit of Christmas, I give you this classic clip from Christmas Eve on Sesame Street. Let me draw particular attention to the kid at the 1:00 mark. #santaclauskeys

https://youtu.be/BwJJdTkvS7Y


As usual, the best part is the Muppet reactions. Classic.

Hello, and welcome to Moviefone

Saw Bad Mom's Christmas yesterday. (Justin Hartley was a high point) I think the last movie I saw in the theater was Wonder Woman back in June - there just haven't really been any movies that I *had* to see. But yesterday there were several previews that got me excited - Downsizing and The Greatest Showman in particular, with possibly Cock Blockers if I was really bored. But I'm sure my life will now be Smurfs and Trolls and Minions, oh my! Hopefully I can squeeze in Star Wars first...

Ho Ho Holy Night?

In an effort to get into the holiday spirit, I was listening to one of the (multiple) all-Christmas-music stations. And I find the lyrics to "Here Comes Santa Claus" to be conflicting. The whole song is about Santa coming down Santa Claus lane with his reindeer, right? But then at the end it goes "let's give thanks to the Lord above that Santa Claus comes tonight." Seems a bit weird to combine the Lord and Santa, since what does one have to do with the other? Like were they trying to make it more of a religious carol? Because #fail if so. IMHO, keep Santa with Santa and keep Jesus with Jesus. #separationofchurchandstate

On a sad note...

Just learned that one of my sorority sisters, who has had colon cancer for 5 years, has entered hospice this week. She has a 10 year old and a 7 year old and has fought so hard. I am absolutely devastated. She lives here but I haven't seen her in years, which makes me feel like a fairly terrible friend. Going to go through old photos tonight to send her for her kids - especially pics from Spain, because we were roommates when we studied abroad. Love you, Natalie!!

Glitter boots, why do you taunt me so

I have seen celebs wearing these amazeballs YSL boots, which only cost like $10K-$12K:

I mean could you just die? (I could.) I found some wannabes/lookalikes and who knows if I will ever wear them, but someone have a disco party just in case and I'll come as the ball. K thanks.

Holy tough love

Sometimes I catch Dr Laura on Sirius XM when I'm in the car. Man, she's rough. Basically tells everyone they are an idiot and to hurry up and get on with the story. It would be funny if it wasn't so mean. Although her website calls it "no-nonsense." Which, lets be honest, is just a nice way of saying mean. Think I'll stick to Radio Andy.

How many blondes does it take to put together a stroller. Clearly more than two.

My mom and I took our cars to the hospital yesterday to ensure we had installed the car seats correctly. (We had not.) But first we had to remove the car seat from the stroller. After a few minutes of struggling, I got out the manual. And apparently we had put the car seat on backwards (it's supposed to face you, not face out.) #parentingfail

This crap is very humbling. I consider myself to be a fairly smart person. But trying to strap on the baby carrier almost did me in, and clearly the car seat/stroller situation is not good. Of course, now we know. And as GI Joe said, knowing is half the battle. Just hope I don't lose a leg in the other half.

Finally!

We raffled off a bunch of prizes for Movember at work, and one person got rotisserie chicken for a year from Cowboy Chicken. So I am thrilled to announce that when they come pick up their prize, I can finally say the words "Winner winner chicken dinner" and it will be accurate. #lifegoals

I'm not crying, you're crying. Okay, I'm not crying, I'm BAWLING.

Et tu, Lauer??

Even though I have heard rumors about Matt Lauer over the years, I have to admit I was a little shocked by his firing this morning. Hell, every man in America must be shaking in their boots at this point - "who's next?" "is it me?" Certainly a culture shift. Of course, I wonder how the man occupying the White House gets to harass women without consequence, but that's neither here nor there. Fingers crossed Tom Hanks stays in the clear, or my world will completely go haywire.

Holy hand sanitizer, Batman

So apparently my adorable 13-month-old nephew has hand/foot/mouth disease from daycare, and although it's rare, it can affect an unborn baby. Great - I've made it this far and now could be deterred by something that sounds like a horse issue?? Calling my doctor today, and investing in a face mask for Christmas. #sorrynotsorry #ivfisexpensive

Thankful

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving! We drove down to Austin to spend the holiday with my brother and his family, which was exhausting (13 month olds are BUSY!) but nice. I didn't poison anyone with the cinnamon roll apple pie I made, and managed to eat a few bites of gluten and the baby seems to still be alive, so YAY all around!

We got the house all decorated for Christmas and I put an exersaucer together (SO handy, I tell you), so all in all a very productive long weekend.

En garde!

So apparently there's a homeless man in my neighborhood who is getting more aggressive - tried to break into a home, etc. My mom now wants me to walk with a stick when taking Charlie for a walk. As if a stick is going to protect me. (And technically the "stick" she proposed is one of those long garden stakes. Oooooh, intimidating.

Squirrel!!!

Yesterday was my dog's best day ever. Not because we took her to the dog park. Not because of the 15-minute belly rub. No, because she finally came face to face with a squirrel. Which she has been dreaming of forever. Of course, it turned into somewhat of a nightmare. She was barking her head off at squirrels in the tree in my backyard, and then just stopped barking and kept staring up. My mom called me into the kitchen to watch, and I saw her sitting there, still as a statue, as a squirrel climbed down the tree toward her. I couldn't believe she wasn't attacking it, but she wasn't. And then they both disappeared behind the tree. All I could see was Charlie's little tail wagging like crazy. Finally my mom went out there to see what in the world was going on, and she dragged poor Charlie back inside after deciding there was clearly something wrong with the squirrel. We checked Charlie to make sure she didn't get bitten/was possibly rabid, and the rest of the night she sat by the door and cried. She wanted to go back out to her friend. (or eat him)

Of course by morning the squirrel was dead. Which is now the second creature that has come into my backyard to die. Great. And sorry Charlie!

Elephants never forget.

Elephants, guys. What did they ever do to us? Nothing, except be awesome. (Aside from the occasional elephant that kills an elephant hunter, which is karma at its best.) So this new Trump business is making me angry (er, angrier than I normally am when it comes to the president). Just so his sons can hunt these beautiful creatures and bring them back to the US? For what purpose??

Go watch Dumbo and get back to me. (Also, so glad I have an elephant theme happening in the nursery. I am so topical.)

Eat your wheaties

So I've been gluten free now for almost a year, and my mom has asked when I plan on eating gluten again for...almost a year. Seriously every day. To her credit, she has gone along with it and pretty much eats gluten free as well (since she cooks most of our meals...). And it can't be fun. (It doesn't bother me much because I didn't eat a lot of bread and pasta before anyway.) So now Thanksgiving is upon us, and I had told her months ago that I would eat cornbread dressing (gluten!). I have been semi-nervous about it so asked my doctor yesterday. He gave me the go-ahead, so of course my mom was ready to buy a giant loaf of bread for dinner last night. I told her I'm just going to ease in, and Thanksgiving will be the first step. Why fix it if it ain't broke??
I do miss Frosted Mini-Wheats and Taco Cabana flour tortillas though. Not gonna lie.

Where my ho's at?

Two radio stations are already playing all Christmas music, all the time. As are two Sirius XM stations. And the Hallmark channel with Christmas movies (that I still can't watch more than 20 minutes of).

If you can't beat 'em, join 'em...

(UPDATE: wrapped packages are now under the tree. INSANITY)

Can't...quite...reach...

At 8 months pregnant, it's getting harder to put on shoes, bend down and get things, etc. So what do I decide to do? Give myself a pedicure, of course! I moaned my way through the first foot until my mom insisted on helping out. She did my big toe and it looked like a three-year-old did it, so I decided to handle the rest. And I have to say it doesn't look too bad (the one big toe aside). To my mom's credit, she probably couldn't see very well, but at least she could REACH my toe which is more than I can say for myself. Possibly time to get a pro pedicure done. (duh)

Laughter IS good for the soul

Saw Trevor Noah Saturday night - he was so great! He did a little political humor - wish he had done more - but all in all was very funny (and so adorbs). What impressed me the most was how diverse the audience was. White people, black people, Asian people, Muslim people, Hispanic people, you name it. Everyone came and laughed together. Sometimes you need that.

Sometimes I feel like somebody's watching me

I find it creepy enough when you get FB ads promoting the shoes you were just looking at. But one of my baby apps seems like it's listening in. Had our bowling tournament last night, and this morning one of the articles was "Is it safe to bowl while pregnant?" (Answer: yes.) But how freaking random is this article? Who would ever wonder about this? This has happened several other times, and each time it's super weird. How did they know?? Talking to you, big brother.

Every day is like Christmas

...because every day I'm getting deliveries from Amazon. (And no, they're not all for me.) And you know you have a problem when you don't remember what you ordered, so it really IS like Christmas.

School is in session

Took the "Babycare" class last night, completing my four classes pre-baby. (Prepared Childbirth, Infant CPR, Breastfeeding being the others.) Yes, I was the only single gal in all of them. And yes, I was probably 10 years older than everyone else. Both things I have to get used to. Similarly, giving bathroom breaks every half hour. Because a roomful of pregnant women have to pee. A lot. But I learned about swaddling, diapering, tummy massages for colic, etc. I guess I'm ready! (Or not.)

What happened to September?

Um, how is Thanksgiving two weeks from Thursday?? This year has gone by super fast, but really?? Thanksgiving? Maybe it's so shocking because it was like 90 degrees yesterday. (but no such thing as climate change, amiright) Here's hoping the cooler weather will stick around because bathing suits and turkey (and being 8 months pregnant) don't mix. Gobble gobble indeed.

At least there won't be singing. WILL THERE BE SINGING??

Friends are throwing me a baby shower on Sunday, and I don't really know what to do with myself. Never having had a shower thrown in my honor, it seems like it will be a very awkward (yet very kind) amount of attention. And as a person who blushes very easily, the photos could be disastrous. I'm sweating just thinking about it.

Also - do I get there early, to ensure I'm there when guests arrive? Or is that weird?

Am I the only person to stress out about being the guest of honor?? Probably. But also super excited and grateful. It's tough out there.

Ho Ho HOCD

Christmas shopping: DONE.  I'm usually an early shopper, but not this early. Here's hoping everything I bought doesn't go on sale on Black Friday. Which it probably will.

Curses

For at least six months, my team has been working on migrating our intranet from SharePoint to Wordpress. Literally building the site from scratch and remaking all pages, moving all documents over, etc. We are set to launch in a week and a half. And all of a sudden two days ago the head of IT decides that Wordpress is not secure and is very hackable and what exactly are we doing. Um, what? We have not only involved the Tech team from the beginning (and gotten their blessing), but we have also gotten approval from Legal/Data Privacy. This is not the first time that this guy has made my life a living hell - he tends to not bother with asking questions and instead jumps to the most illogical, panicked conclusions. Which is an excellent quality to have in a leader, no? (Sorry - can you tell I cannot stand this guy??)

Our options are: tech pays to build our own Wordpress platform and then has to hire someone to support it; we stop and stick with our current intranet; or we move forward and he just gets the hell on board. #option3

Et tu, mosquito?

Why am I still getting mosquito bites in November. No seriously, I'm asking. As if my fear of Zika isn't enough, I still somehow manage to get bites on my fingers/bottoms of my feet/other random areas where the Off don't go. AND IT'S NOVEMBER. Come on peeps. Give me a small break here.

Instafamous

I swear I'm on Instagram for the celebrity pics. And none better than Halloween.

Gwyneth as, well Gwyneth's head in Se7en:

Dwayne Wade and Gabrielle Union as Milli Vanilli:

Jessica Alba as Juno:

Kristen Bell as Elsa:

Good times. Thanks, Instagram.

Blessed be the candy.

Yep, Handmaid's Tale costume this year. Well technically a red graduation gown and a piece of posterboard, but you get the gist.

Doubt I'll win the costume contest (esp considering people thing I'm Little Red Riding Hood), but hey. A for effort.

Home Improvement

The work is finally done on the house. The garage room looks awesome, and now the car port is up and running too!

Kind of weird that the backyard just feeds into the "garage," but it certainly opens up the yard. And we added a garage door so feel secure and kind of like I live in a compound. In a good way.

Oh rats

Got a terrifying text from my mom yesterday: "Is this a rat?" With an attached photo. Nervous, I opened it:

Hey little guy! I said mouse, but my mom's boyfriend says it's a kangaroo rat, and I guess he would know, being all science-y. Still - cute! My mom said he seemed injured and what should she do with it. I had no idea, but that was soon followed by a "he's dead" text. RIP. But then when I got home he was miraculously still alive, but seemed to have something wrong with him (wasn't moving much). And my mom has named him Timothy. Great. Hard to dispose of a rodent named Timothy. We were afraid a hawk (or a cat or my dog) would get to him, so my mom covered him up with a box. Not sure what the plan is at this point for Tiny Tim, but I doubt I will be adding a new pet to the current zoo that is my house. Sorry buddy.

UPDATE: perhaps the box idea was a bad one - Timmy did not survive. Now comes the fun game of who gets to scoop him up to dispose of him?? #notme

Yes, Empire STRIKES Back has already been done

We have an annual bowling tournament at work, and I always have to captain a team because not enough people sign up. The biggest job of captain: coming up with a team name. My previous teams have included the Bowlerinas and Stars and Strikes. Here are my thoughts for this year:

Pin cushions (just bring a pillow. My pregnant self likes this one best)
Safety pins (wear orange vests and hard hats) - will probably go with this one as it's unisex
Devil Spares Prada (wear devil horns)
Britney Spares (all facets of Britney)
Spared by the Bell (spin-off of Saved by the Bell, obvi)

My job is weird.

Penny Pincher

Nothing thrills me like a good sale. So imagine my delight when I found a skirt that originally cost $1195 (which is ludicrous btw, especially for a brand I have never heard of), marked down to $120. And of course I had to buy it. BECAUSE #SAVINGS.

#metoo...soon?

Saw this while driving to work today:

Is it just me, or is this fairly offensive? Especially with the wave of #metoo posts this week regarding sexual harassment and assault.

I am a "me too" too. I'm sure there have been instances of harassment over the years (and sadly, I like most women just shrug them off and move on), but in my case it was assault. I was a senior in high school and went to visit my parents' alma mater for a college visit. Stayed with a girl who graduated the year before me, and we went out with a bunch of her friends (many guys on the football team included). There was drinking involved, and we went back to the dorm to crash. I had my own room which adjoined with my friend's via a shared bathroom. At some point one of the football players came into my room (not sure how) and climbed on top of me. He was kissing me and touching me. I just pretended to be asleep/passed out, because I didn't know what to do and he was much bigger than me. He eventually got angry and starting shaking my shoulders to get me to wake up. I was truly convinced I was going to be raped, but I kept my eyes squeezed shut. Luckily he gave up and passed out - in my bed. I moved right up against the wall and didn't sleep all night. I crept out of the room at 5am and sat outside on the steps with my suitcase until my dad came to get me.

I honestly had forgotten about this story until the Trump harassment allegations came to light last year, and it came searing back again this week. I know I'm one of the lucky ones - it could have been a lot worse - but it was fairly traumatic for my 17-year-old self. (Needless to say I did not apply to that college.)

Stay strong, ladies.

Best thing I've seen on the internet all month.

OMG I just love this. (And it really doesn't look like her.) Perhaps #freemelania worked??

Back in my day...

One of my co-workers' daughter wanted to interview me as a "professional" who had a "career" that she was interested in. (First of all, yay to be viewed as a professional at anything!) Of course, she's a millennial, so the interview was via Skype. Which technically I have on my laptop, but still. Can we not just use the phone, kids?? As if that doesn't make me sound old enough, she asked what programs I used most often at work. To which I answered Microsoft Paint. That's right, youngsters. I don't understand Photoshop so it's Paint all day. What.

Top Chef (or Toe Chef, as the case may be)

Y'all I totally cooked on Saturday. Made paella (enough to feed a small army) and whipped up these peanut butter-cornflake balls that I used to eat when I was like 5. Only a slight burn on my toe (yes, I was literally barefoot and pregnant) and paella for days!

#domesticated

Only thing missing: the baby. (And probably a bunch of other crap I haven't thought about)

My dad drove the baby furniture down on Thursday - it was more massive than I thought it would be, but sure has held up well after 25 years and 5-6 babies. Had to move the bookcase into my mom's room, but we were able to squeeze in (and set up!) the crib, changing table (which apparently also turns into a huge bookcase), glider and ottoman into the nursery. Which actually looks like a nursery now. The coolest part? My stepmom told me the glider/ottoman were beige, but turns out someone recovered them (or they are caked in years of baby vomit), because they are pale green. The EXACT color of the wall. Crazy, no??

LOL BRB

What is it with kids today and having to abbreviate everything? Latest victim: Homecoming is now "HOCO." And a Homecoming Proposal (like a promposal, apparently) is a "HOCOPRO." Seriously? YOLO I guess.

zzzzzzz

Literally zero sleep last night. Like ZERO MINUTES. Huge work thing today and I'm super stressed. If this causes me to go into early labor I will not be amused. But maybe then I could at least get some drugs and get some sleep...

via GIPHY

I feel like I'm Amish

The good: DirecTV came out last week (twice, actually, since the first time they didn't have the right equipment) and upgraded all of my DVR boxes to wireless so I can watch TV on my elliptical in the new room.

The bad: when swapping out devices, I didn't realize this meant wiping clean all shows I had recorded. Like since last year. (Yes, I'm a bit behind - but I still had like 83% availability!) So sad. Guess I'll never know what happened in the last 5 episodes of How to Get Away with Murder. You know, unless I just log onto ABC (or Netflix) and actually watch them. But way more fun to bitch about it!!

So now I have to start over from scratch like some sort of newbie. Sigh. The struggle is real, folks.

Rated G for good god

My house was chaos this weekend. My brother, his wife, their 13-month-old and their dog all stayed with me. Plus my mom. And then her boyfriend and HIS dog came over. I was thisclose to checking into a hotel. But I guess the chaos is good for me and my OCD. A preview of what's to come, if you will. And with beef-a-roni handprints on my walls and every carefully folded onesie now thrown onto the floor, what a preview it was. Plus I saw how much child-proofing I still need to do...(a lot!)

Let's look at the big picture. And not my big butt.

So almost every morning now my mom tells me I need to change because I have the dreaded VPL (visible panty line). I mean. I'm wearing thongs - things just don't exactly fit like they used to. And also? I just don't CARE. Personally, I feel like it's better to have a VPL and prove you're actually wearing panties. Whatever. Bigger fish to fry, amiright?

Deeeeep breaths

It's hard to get good help these days. The security alarm guy never showed up or called (after my mom waited around all day for him) - luckily we were able to pop off a sensor and stick it on a new door, likely saving hundreds of dollars. And yesterday the cable guy came (at the very end of his four-hour window, of course) and didn't have the right equipment, even though it was very clear on the order what we needed. So they had to come back today. It's gotten to the point where if someone shows up when they're supposed to and actually gets the job done, it's like a miracle. When that is actually their job. But no - they can hold you hostage because you need TV/internet/alarm system, so whenever they show up and however much they charge is okay I guess.  ARGH.

Man this blog has turned into a rant-fest, hasn't it. Sorry guys. I'm getting angrier in my old age.

So twisted. Like a pretzel.

You know what is cruel and unusual punishment to someone on a gluten-free diet? (Particularly when that diet is self-imposed and not due to an actual gluten allergy...) Picking up 100 Wetzel's Pretzels soft pretzels in your car for a work event. If you have ever walked by an Auntie Anne's or a Wetzel's Pretzels in the mall, you know what I'm talking about. The smell is heavenly. Like if they could make "food court soft pretzel" scented candles I would be ALL OVER IT. Maybe just one wouldn't hurt...

A brief excerpt from Senator Stockton

Just heartbroken over Las Vegas. I think about how many outdoor concerts I go to at Starplex every year, and how if someone had the right vantage point (say, atop the covered seating area), people on the lawn (where I sit) would be sitting ducks. Terrifying thinking you can no longer go anywhere without having to look for the exits: movies, church, the mall, work, concert venues...

It's time for gun control. Prayers just aren't going to cut it anymore. Citizens don't need semi-automatic (or automatic, for that matter) weapons. It's just not okay. Although I guess if lawmakers didn't take action after Sandy Hook, they most likely never will. My new mantra: I HATE THE NRA.

Rant over. Just needed to get that off my chest. Kthanksbye.

I'm Gumby, dammit

Well, Charlie has adopted Gumby as her own. Which means I'm still sleepless on one side of the bed while she snores peacefully atop my pregnancy pillow. Sounds about right.

Cuddling 101

I have a new guest in my bed. It's kind of pissing off my dog, but I think it's for the best.

Introducing Gumby.

This thing is massive. (That's what she said) Here's hoping I get more than two hours of sleep. (Again, that's what she said)

#pregnancypillowftw

Move! That! Bus!

So phase I of the house remodel is done. We transformed the garage into an extra bedroom with a half bath, which will also serve as a workout room (hi, elliptical!) and a playroom. There are two closets (which are basically already full - sad!) and French doors leading out to the patio. It's actually a really nice space.

Next up: creating someplace to park our cars. The original plan was to build a garage behind the current space, but according to easement (whatever the hell that is), we can't. So instead we are going to do a wooden carport with a garage door or electronic gate for security. I will miss all the storage in the garage, but we bought two giant sheds that are making up for it. It's not too pretty back there right now, but I'm sure it will be fine. And considering I basically added 400 sq feet to my house and it went from being 3br/2ba to 4br/2.5ba, hopefully this will all be worth it in the end. HOPEFULLY.

#adulting

Taking Friday off. Am I going to the State Fair? No. Spa day? Wrong again. If you guessed "touring 5 local day cares," you're the big winner! Times they are a-changing, folks. The hilarious thing: each time I called to make an appointment, the receptionist asked how old my child was. To which I had to answer "she has not yet been born." Just being proactive, y'all. #orinsane

Cheers, Charles

Last week was the five-year anniversary of the day I adopted Charlie. Can't believe it's been that long - but I also can't remember what it was like NOT having her around. She is currently on meds both for a heart murmur and anti-convulsion, and after this weekend's haircut it's clear she has gained a bit of weight (solidarity, sister!), but still going strong at 42. (Considering that's only two years older than me, I should certainly hope so...)

Points for trying?

I tried watching the new Ken Burns documentary on Vietnam. Made it through almost two episodes and decided I just can't. I'm sorry - it's boring. Not the war - the documentary. Even my mom, who lived through it, opted to go read in her room. So much for trying to be all cultured. Back to Real Housewives of Dallas I go.

How long until #dotard is trending?

You know it's bad when you agree with Kim Jong Un.

Geniuses?

Got these giant Smarties from a vendor. I mean, they are HUGE:

Assuming this means I will be doubly smart for eating them. (As if I needed an excuse.)

Now THAT'S bedside manner

So I have to go to two doctors a month - high-risk and regular. Today I was at the high-risk (everything looks great - baby weighs almost 2 pounds!), and the doctor is just the nicest. He makes you feel like a total superstar, even when you have nothing to do with it. Examples:

"Your cervix is perfection." (thank you?)
"Amazing amount of amniotic fluid." (again, thank you?)
"Wonderful placenta." (alrighty)
"All around A+." (YES)

I mean. A girl could get used to this.

My Emmys fashion breakdown

Yay Handmaid's Tale! Boo Sean Spicer! And now for the most important part - the dresses.

I loved Thandi Newton (doesn't hurt that I think she may be the most beautiful woman alive):

Gina Rodriguez brought it:

As did the ever-age appropriate Millie Bobby Brown:

I was not impressed by Sofia Vergara, however. I feel like she looks the same every time. We get it - you have a Jessica Rabbit body. Sheesh.

Better than lipstick, I guess

Sometimes living with my mom is excellent practice for living with a kid. Twice in a row now she has done laundry and forgotten to check her pockets. Which apparently always have Kleenex in them. And yesterday, a grocery list. Shredded tissue paper makes for a very festive, if messy, load of laundry. I speak from experience. And I guess will now be checking all pockets before I start a load.

Praise be.

Time to start thinking about Halloween costumes. Can't really go as "pregnant Beyoncé" at work, so I think I will opt for this instead:

#ofsarah

No my first name ain't Baby. It's Janet. Miss Jackson if you're nasty.

Janet tonight!! Debating if I should wear my "Nasty Woman" t-shirt, since it didn't get much wear post-election...

This post brought to you by the letter J

WHY am I still watching Counting On? I had actually stopped watching last year because it got so annoying, but now that two more Duggars have married I had to see this trainwreck for myself. The thing that kills me the most is how they court for a few months, get engaged and are married within a year (although more like 6 months). I think it's because they really want to have sex. Which is why they all get pregnant immediately. (Well, that and they don't believe in birth control.) I also feel bad for the oldest daughter (Jana, yes I know her name) - she must feel like a spinster. Get in line behind me, sweetie.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: the grand finale

Finally a wrap on this season in paradise. And of course ABC had to milk it for all it was worth, complete with a live hour with the cast and yet another appearance by Corinne and DeMario (yet this time, together). Ugh.

It's the last day in paradise, which means the couples need to piss or get off the pot. (Break up or bust out the fantasy suite, in more Bachelor terms.) And a lot of breaking up ensues: Christen dumps Jack Stone and goes off swimming in the ocean, likely to find more scallops. Tickle Monster and Jasmine decide just to be friends. Diggy dumps Dominique, then promptly gets dumped by Jamie. Robbie is shocked that Amanda doesn't think it will work in the real world. And Dean tells D-Lo he wants to try again with Kristina. Ouch.

So after all the break-ups and shake-ups, we're left with the final three couples: Lacey and Canadaniel, Adam and Raven and Derek and Taylor. Lacey tells Daniel she's fallen for him (and tells the camera she would say yes if he proposed - WHY), and he says he is falling for her. Cue the "privacy please" door tag. Taylor needs to have sex with Derek to make sure she's in love with him (alrighty) - cue the "privacy please" door tag. But Raven doesn't want to mess things up by spending the night with Adam too early. Cue the live show.

Corinne and DeMario are one big happy family (after lots of therapy). Can we PLEASE move on. There's no love lost between Christen and Jasmine, who was apparently "bullying" Christen on social media. Dean takes the hot seat and reveals he still loves Kristina. This is news to D-Lo, who says they have gotten together since filming. And apparently he and Kristina tried to patch things up as well. But now both ladies are like peace out, dude. Thank god. The twins, needing more air time, call Robbie out for cheating on Amanda after they started dating post-Paradise. Robbie denies this, saying the photo sent to Amanda just showed he was "close" to another girl. NOT making out. Sure.

Finally, it's time to catch up with the final three. Lacey says Canadaniel fessed up after the cameras were off that he was NOT in fact falling for her. And camera footage showed him talking to producers the next morning saying no way would he change his FB status to say "in a relationship with Lacey." Oooooh burn. So Lacey is dunzo with this chach. Adam and Raven are amazingly still together, and she had him meet her family LIVE ON TV. Nice. But has she met Adam Jr.????
Taylor and Derek are in love and grateful to have met on the show. Which they make official by Derek getting down on one knee and popping the question. Ah, young love. Good luck crazy kids.

Alone again, naturally

So I went to a 6-hour "prepared childbirth" class on Saturday. Holy information overload, Batman. (Breech! Epidural! Meconium! Giant adult diapers! Etc.) I guess I'd rather have more knowledge than less, but jesus. Also fun? Being the only single girl in a class of about 25 other couples. And the husbands were all super-supportive: holding their wives' purses, getting them popsicles, picking up the handouts...oof. It wasn't too bad until everyone had to get up and practice the labor moves with their partners. I just sat quietly on my mat - and frankly would have found it too cheesy/dumb to do even if I HAD a partner. Maybe they all thought my husband was out of town or something. Sure. Might as well get used to it, I guess. #doublepopsiclesforme

Slow Jams 4-evah

Going to see Yacht Rock Revue tonight - love them so much. Besides the fact that they rock bellbottoms and leisure suits, they play slow jams from the 70s and 80s. Think Christopher Cross. Billy Joel. Hall & Oates. Etc. Cheesy goodness if I've ever heard it.

Strike a pose

Thanks to an introduction from a friend, I'm going to be in DFW Baby magazine's fall issue. (They spotlight 2-3 women who are having babies, and I'm one of 'em.) Now don't get too excited - it's one of those free publications and I don't even know where to find it or when it's coming out. But I was interviewed and yesterday the photographer came over to take my picture. It was very weird (and sad that I didn't get hair and makeup, ha), especially because I don't look that pregnant and the nursery isn't ready. So we'll see what the magic of Photoshop can do. Particularly with my forehead wrinkles. #imissbotox

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Twinning

God I hate the twins. I hated their reality show. I find them to be so very annoying. And yet...they're back. One wants to date Derek, the other wants tot date Dean. Both guys are taken, and even after literally throwing herself at Dean to an embarrassing extent, the twins have to go with their last choices, Jack Stone and Tickle Monster. But at the last minute, Jack Stone decides he would rather pursue his budding relationship with Scallop Fingers (I loathe myself for typing these words, I assure you), so bows out. The twins are livid - the only synonym they can come up with for "angry" - and flip off the cast and crew and storm out of paradise forever (please??), but not before throwing scallops out the window. I hope scallops are making a killing out of product placement on this show.

Jamie is also a new arrival - she of the nose ring, blond curls and oh yeah - bisexuality! Who will she pick for her date - girl or guy?? Oh, the tension. But she goes tame and chooses Diggy. He admits he has never met anyone like her. #duh

Derek is falling in love with Taylor. Robbie and Amanda seem solid. D-Lo and Dean are exploring life post-Kristina. And Daniel and Lacey are being weird. Coupling up is happening, and it's a good thing - Chris Harrison announces it's their last day in paradise!

#decisiontime

#onemorenightofthisshow

#thankgod

Bachelor in Paradise recap: there are tons of scallops in the sea

Anyone else never want to eat or see another scallop? Thanks, BIP.

Dean realizes he's being a total asshole and that Kristina saw him canoodling with D-Lo in the pool. He apologizes, but she explains that it's not fair to ask her to "be patient" while he tries to get with someone else. "I don't understand how I can have the most amazing girl in front of me and I'm flirting with another girl in the pool," says Dean. "Duh," says America.

More dudes arrive to complicate matters further (although these putzes don't really complicate anything): Blake and Fred, both from Rachel's season, both humiliated. Blake for having a catfight with Whaboom and saying "Wocka wocka fart joke"; Fred for only being seen as a bad kid. The ladies think Fred is hot, but Blake is not (aside from the intense amount of sweating he is experiencing). Blake narrows in on Christen, who is now in a "love square" between Blake, Tickle Monster and Jack Stone. Tough spot there, especially considering Blake tells her he asked her (after asking two other girls) because it wasn't like pulling teeth and she seemed "awake." Nice. She agrees to go on a double date with Blake, Fred and Dominique, but it's a nightmare because the boat makes her seasick (it made me sick just watching), her contact almost flies into the ocean and her mascara is running down her face. At least Dom and Fred are having fun on the blob.

Back at the resort, Christen apparently told people Jack Stone was a bad kisser, so the other girls pitch in to ensure America that he is in fact quite a good makeout. So he kisses Jasmine, Raven and D-Lo, all of whom are in agreement: #teamjackstone

Chris Harrison arrives to say no new arrivals, but the rose ceremony will be tonight, not tomorrow. This makes Jack Stone, Diggy and Tickle Monster nervous, since the girls they like are currently on dates with other guys. Robbie gets a date card and asks out Amanda, natch. (Barbie and Ken!) They hit a street carnival and Robbie cracks open the piñata. Chemistry is forming between these two pretty kids.

Ben Z decides to leave before the rose ceremony - he loves his dog the most - and everyone else starts fighting for time in an effort to win a rose. Diggy pulls Dominique aside for a little homemade game of "Diggin Deep with Diggy," and she then turns the tables with "Diggin Deep with Dom." Aw.

At the bar, Raven and Christen take a shot and Raven accidentally says "cheers to Scallops!" So Wells has to tell Christen that everyone calls her scallop fingers. She doesn't get why this is a big deal - she just likes scallops, guys. (And mahi mahi.) Christen then gets kissed by each guy in her love square, just to make the decision a little tougher.

D-Lo (and her weird rhinestone bra) tells Dean she likes him, but would he accept a rose from Kristina? Dean says he wants to pursue a relationship with D-Lo so has to go break things off with Kristina. The Russian is not amused and lets off most of her aggression on Raven, who tells her to be mad at Dean, not D-Lo. A fight ensues until Wells asks Kristina "why are you fighting for someone who's not fighting for you?" PREACH WELLS.

Time for the rose ceremony:
Lacey and Daniel
Taylor and Derek
Amanda and Robby
Raven and Adam
Dom and Diggy (bye Fred)
Jasmine and Tickle Monster
Christen and Jack Stone (bye Blake)
Kristina decides to leave and give her rose to no one
D-Lo and Dean

Doesn't seem like many of these couples will make it out of paradise aside from Taylor and Derek and Amanda and Robby...bur we shall see!

Gaspocalypse 2017

Okay, this "gas shortage" thing is insane. Most stations are out, the ones that have fuel have lines three cars deep. The most ridiculous part? There isn't a gas shortage! But when everyone in Dallas decides they need gas on the same day, we run out. It's putting my OCD-ness to the test - I usually panic when I have a quarter of a tank left. (I currently have a little under half a tank, but by the time I get home I should have a quarter of a tank.) I woke up at 2am wondering if I should go get gas and beat the rush, but also wondered if I would get shot. And it's just not worth it. Thankfully going out of town tomorrow, and maybe by Monday the panic will be over? Otherwise I guess I'll be working from home indefinitely.

#calmtheEFFdown

Reading, Writing, Arithmetic...and Rolled Eyes

It's back to school time again, which I know by the blinking school zones and by the inundation of photos on my Facebook feed. Everyone looks so cute and excited, but I do have one question - why do some schools start on a Thursday? After 3 months of summer, a 5-day school week is too much? Come on kids.

At least there weren't any zombies

We did an escape room teambuilding event yesterday at work. We were split into three groups and had 45 minutes to "escape." Two of the groups (including mine) were assigned to the "Lost Worlds" experience, which was very Indiana Jones-esque. The other group had "Encounter" where they were abducted by aliens. They were the only group that escaped. Which leads me to believe that obviously ours was harder, ha. Hell - we asked for all the clues we could get, and STILL couldn't figure it out. I wonder who sits around and comes up with this stuff. Probably while smoking weed. Still...fun.

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Make Paradise Corinne again

My mistake - the eagle has not landed. Canadaniel is no longer an eagle - he's a wolf. Pardon me. So the WOLF has landed with an hour to give away his rose, and he's not thrilled that he only has the "leftovers" to choose from. As he put it, the only girls left are the ones with a 5 o'clock shadow and hair extensions falling out. And he said this to Lacey's FACE. And she still wanted to go out with him. Sigh. He "interviews" Christen and Jasmine (the other leftovers) but decides to give his rose to Lacey.

Most roses are obvious, but Adam gives his to Raven and Dean gives his to Kristina. To her dismay, Ben Z saves D-Lo so Dean can still have his cake and eat it too. Matt returns to give his rose (but not himself) to Jasmine, who has perfected Resting Beach Face. Thus, Sarah and Dolphin Girl (aka Alexis) have to say adios.

Some crazy frat bros lucha libre dudes come screaming through paradise the next morning, hinting at a date card that Canadaniel gets. He invites Lacey to a romantic day of Mexican wrestling, because why not. Jack Stone was hoping to bond with Christen, but she gets asked out by the tickle monster, who is actually a doctor! (Bless his heart.) Their date involves feeding each other with tiny hands, and I guess the jokes about shrimp and scallop fingers will just never go away. Sigh. They smooch but she later tells Jack Stone she's not sure there were fireworks.

Back at the homestead, Dean gets closer and closer with D-Lo, telling her she's the kind of girl he could fall in love with. Meanwhile, Kristina is done. Nyet. Not happening.

Cut to another lame live show, though clearly taped on the same night as last week because Jasmine is in the same outfit. We learn that Wells and Danielle did go on a date years ago but nothing ever came of it...but that kiss was GOOD. Raven explains about the near threesome between herself, Sarah and Adam back in Dallas, and Jasmine is able to confront Matt on leaving her in Mexico. Booooring. Also boring? Corinne's interview. Basically she was on meds and mixed them with a ton of booze, leaving her unable to make good decisions or remember what happened. (aka college) She says DeMario did nothing wrong - except talk to the media - and she is sorry for what happened. Not sure why no one asked her why she called herself a "victim" if nothing happened, but I just don't care enough to care. I would have also liked to hear about Raquel, but that's neither here nor there.

On to the next!

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Brought to you by scallops

I think the moral of the story is: don't mess with Jazz. (Jasmine, self-proclaimed Queen of Paradise, not the form of music.)

The recipient of Jazz's wrath? Virgin Christen. Who, although still maintaining her virgin status, does arrive in Paradise with a new set of boobs. Atta girl. She takes stock of available dudes, is warned NOT to go after Matt by Jasmine herself, and decides to ask him out anyway. Ohhhh snap. Jasmine downs several tequila and sodas and, after announcing to the camera crew that she's "giving good TV," barges in on Christen while she is brushing her teeth. I guess poor C has to just swallow the toothpaste as she defends her actions and blames Matt, who specifically came to her and said he was NOT tied down and would like to go out on a date. Jazz laughs this off and proceeds to keep drinking and swapping out bandanas.

Christen and Matt have a good date - drinking, snacking and shopping for bikinis (for her, thank god). She goes for the kiss while swimming in the ocean, which Wells correctly predicts will lead to an atomic bomb going off. That bomb? Jasmine. Wells also has several confessionals with a cheerleader puppet who represents Christen. Not sure if he brought this puppet with him? If he's auditioning for the Muppets after he returns? Or what is happening. But I did find it amusing.

Back in paradise, we learn from Alexis that Christen's nickname is "Scallop Fingers" because she once got her scallops to go, at them in the car and then proceeded to touch Alexis' shoulder with the same scallop fingers. (The horror!) But the story gets around and even becomes her moniker (see below her name):

Upon their return from the date, Jasmine pounces on her man and makes out with him right in front of Christen. (Take THAT, virgin!) Christen shrugs and grabs some shrimp in her hands, and hugs Amanda with what are now SHRIMP FINGERS. Oh the humanity. (Also this is what I am telling myself since I can't believe I am watching this show and this is the topic of conversation.)

Robbie keeps trying to make fetch happen out with Amanda, but she keeps rejecting him and making him kiss her on the head. Or on the cheek. Or on the neck. She finally relents and they have a nice makeout sesh. On the lips. Way to go, Ken doll!

Derek and Taylor are also having some highs and lows. He says "f*&# you" after she tells him she's worried he reacts to arguments by running away. He claims he's being sarcastic, but it's a trigger for past abusive relationships and she is done. Her emotional piggy bank is full, guys. (And yes, that's a direct quote.) But they take a beat, he apologizes and she forgives. All good in paradise, peeps.

Not so good for everyone, though. Matt tells Christen she probably won't be getting his rose, but instead of promising it to Jazz he leaves, citing technical difficulties they are too different. Jasmine is like "duh," but the tears flow and she wants to cut a bitch. More tears from Lacey when Diggy tells her he'll be giving his rose to Dominique. She tells him she's disappointed in him. Because THAT will make him change his mind... #sarcasm

Finally, Adam deals with HIS love triangle - sort of - by telling Raven he wants to get to know her better and he likes that she challenges him. Sarah interrupts and gives him the hard sell, and he tells her he likes her transparency. Because a girl can't hear that enough. Dean is also stuck between a rock and a hard place and tries to juggle Kristina and D-Lo. He makes Kristina feel better by saying he puts her feelings above his own, but can't officially get rid of Danielle either. Hmm.

But instead of a Most Dramatic Rose Ceremony ever, Canadaniel appears! The eagle has landed. Until next time...

I pity the fool

My mom woke up this morning and I noticed that she slept in the gold bracelet she had on all day yesterday.

Me: "Wow, sleeping in your jewelry - fancy!"
Her: "I couldn't get it off."
Me: "Sounds about right."

Vile? Viall? Either way.

In the Everyone Saw This Coming category, Nick Viall and Vanessa have broken up. (For those playing along at home, this is the previous Bachelor and his final rose recipient.) They haven't looked happy together - well, ever - maybe it's Raven's chance for redemption?? Or Nick can go back to Paradise for a record fourth time. Sigh.

All neon all the time

Tonight marks the final concert of my #80ssummer concert series. We will be closing out with some hits by Berlin, Spandeau Ballet, Bananarama, Wang Chung and more.

I feel like I've basically seen as many acts this summer as I would if I could ever go on the 80s cruise, and for a lot less money (and a lot less tan). But still - this remains a bucket list item. Perhaps for my 41st bday??

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Bandanas in Paradise

Sorry, but I haven't seen this many bandanas on girls since the late 1980s. What gives??

Sarah arrives and apparently ALSO hung out with Adam and Raven in Dallas over the break. What the hell kind of wild orgy happened that week? And why does everyone already know each other?? So she invites Adam on her date, although all the other girls try to push Ben Z on her, and they have a smashing time, complete with smooches. This makes Raven nervous, since the guys have the power this week.

Lacey whines her way into a date card, and then whines that she doesn't really like anyone. But she made out with Diggy before, and the girls need the guys' roses, so she invites him to the "most romantic place in Mexico." Which turns out to be the first stop on Jorge's Tour-ges, as they all three (!) ride horses on the beach. Yay, Jorge! Lacey is all smiles after the date, but the smile turns to eye-liner tears when Dominique and her braids arrive on the island.

Dom is interested in Diggy, and Taylor encourages this love-fest, much to Lacey's chagrin. Sure enough, they go out and have a hot and heavy time in the hot tub. Taylor tries to apologize to Lacey, but it's pretty low in emotional intelligence if you ask me.

Danielle M has not found love, and has a job offer to go help children in Africa. So she decides to leave paradise, just as bartender Wells realizes his feelings for her. He gives her a romantic smooch as she gets into the exit limo, and I have high hopes for these two.

The rest of the episode was a weird live show which once again talked about the Corinne-DeMario situation. And the Carly-Evan baby situation. Both of which I'm kind of tired of hearing about. But then DeMario came out and did such a good job, keeping his sense of humor and refusing to bad mouth Corinne or take the race card bait. Next week with Corinne should be interesting...

Bachelor in Paradise recap: Deanie's a weenie

One more thing I can blame Trump for: interrupting Paradise. #un-American

But I will try to focus on the task at hand - the recap. The girls are hungry for fresh meat, and who should arrive but Adam (and creepy Adam Jr., of course). He dives right in and asks Raven on a date, much to the chagrin of Ben Z (who keeps bringing up his dog, bless his heart), and to a lesser extent Robbie. They have a good date - apparently they met up in Dallas during the "break" (??) - and Raven is torn between a doll and a hard place on who to give her rose to.

Robbie bounces back with Amanda, but knows it's delicate territory since he's friends with her ex-fiancé Josh. (Of course he is.) He asks for a kiss, and Amanda says no thanks. Hmmm.

Dean and Kristina have a chat, and he wants to slow things down a bit - but wants her rose because he wants to keep getting to know her! Sure he does. The bloom is off the rose for me with this guy.

After five long hours of television, we finally have the first rose ceremony. Vinnie (in an unfortunate rose shirt), little Alex, Iggy (too many bromances, too few romances) and Nick (Santa Claus) did not get roses and head home in the exit suburbans. Shout out to Vinnie struggling with his seat belt. Bless.

But the storms aren't over - next to arrive is Danielle L (aka "D-Lo"), who prances around in a low-cut number and has every guy drooling. She wavers between Ben Z and Dean, but decides to ask Dean on a date. To Kristina's horror, he accepts. Again - kind of getting a d-bag vibe from this guy. They went on their ATV date and shared a kiss - which Dean later admitted to Kristina. But what really set her off was Dean presenting a piece of cake to Danielle in front of everyone for her half-birthday. D-bag, meet D-Lo. #perfectmatch

Have you SEEN me??

Is pregnancy attractive to guys? Because I'm getting some weird vibes lately. In Santa Barbara, I was walking down the street and a guy whistled at me. I literally turned around and asked, "me??" Because, duh. And after posting a "bump" photo on Friday, a guy who I have never met but we matched on a dating app a few years ago and randomly became FB friends started messaging me "hey sexy pregnant lady" etc. Plus a couple of guys I dated long ago came out of the woodwork and were like "we could have helped you have a baby for a lot less money and a lot more fun..."

SERIOUSLY?? Where have you dudes been the last 5 years?

Whatever. I do NOT feel cute so just find all of this hilarious, frankly.

YASSSS Tina

http://www.huffingtonpost.com/entry/tina-fey-sheet-caking_us_599675d0e4b0e8cc855cce85

Bring on the damn sheet cake.

Turn around, bright eyes

We're having an Eclipse Watching Party at work on Monday, so I went on Amazon and bought a bunch of safety glasses. (Yes, I double-checked that they are legit - it would not be a good PR move if I blinded the entire company.) They look like the crappy glasses you get at the eye doctor after you get your eyes dilated. But then you put them on. And it's like a total blackout. No WONDER these things are safe - you can't see anything! (We did test them with the flashlight on the iPhone - it looks super small and far away and then you take the glasses off and nearly blind yourself because it's so much brighter in real life.)

#becausescience

Note: I had no idea where to look when taking this selfie because I couldn't see a damn thing.

And now, a very special Bachelor in Paradise

I was totally reminded of the "very special" episodes of 80s sitcoms last night. And not really in a good way.

The first 45 minutes was Evan and Carly's wedding, which I mostly fast-forwarded through because who cares. Then we're back to Paradise, and Chris gathers the cast together two weeks after production is shut down. (Well - the cast minus DeMario and Corinne...) The group discusses what went down, talking about consent and race and alcohol (we learn Taylor doesn't drink) and how producers DON'T MAKE US DO ANYTHING. This part was reiterated several times (thanks, ABC lawyers!). Everyone feels bad for both parties, but they don't think any wrong-doing occurred. Would still love to see the video footage to determine this for myself, but whatevs. Back to drinking and dating and debauchery!

We learn that both Robby and Ben Z "hit up" Raven over the break, and she ghosted both of them. Atta girl. And Dean visited Kristina in Kentucky, which went well but he seems disinterested back in Paradise. Taylor and Derek are a solid couple, even getting a date card which leads Taylor to decide to sleep with him! #consent

Poor little "fun-size" Alex keeps chasing Amanda around, but she is not interested buddy. Lacey wished Canadaniel would show up (side note: he and Vinny were just on Millionaire Matchmaker, for what it's worth), and things aren't going great for Jasmine either - Matt seems to be putting on the breaks. Cue fresh meat...

Bachelor in Paradise recap: the calm before the storm

Chris Harrison welcomes us back to Mexico - but where is everybody? No cast. No crew. No Jorge behind the bar (we'll get to that in a minute). Ah yes - production was halted due to some "inappropriate behavior" between DeMario and Corinne. But somehow the reality gods looked down upon ABC, because the show continued, and we got to see the first few days BIB (Before Inappropriate Behavior). YASSSSS.

First to arrive is Raven, and she's over being Nick's runner-up and is ready to find love in a hopeless place. Hell - it worked for Jade and Tanner. And Evan and Carly. Why not Raven and (insert dude's name here)?

Next up: Dean, fresh off his break-up from Rachel. All the ladies love cool Dean and those baby blues. Sigh. (NOTE: he is all of 25. Snap out of it.)

Danielle M saunters in, looking 6 feet tall, and then comes Ben Z. who talks to Raven about all the dogs he's ever owned. Bless. Iggy arrives and is weirdly excited to see Dean - they even do the jump-straddle typically reserved for Bachelorettes. Kristina, Jasmine, Jack Stone ("not a serial killer") and Shark-Dolphin Alexis arrive next (and yes, Alexis is in costume. Really getting her money's worth out of that thing.).

DeMario comes in hot and incessantly blowing a whistle, but not everyone is thrilled to see him (i.e Raven, who flat-out asks if he's single). He tries to win her over by saying he's really there to be the wingman for the "awkward homie in the corner who doesn't know how to relate." (Um, like yourself?) Sigh.

John Krasinski look-alike Derek arrives, as does his show rival tiny Alex, plus Corinne, who is ready to make Paradise Corinne again. Great. She's also been learning Spanish, and knows the words for "nap," "cheese pasta" and "champagne." (I guess "Raquel" is "Raquel," so we're good there.)

Dean and Kristina have a quiet moment, bonding over their messed up families. And their perfect smiles.

More new arrivals: Lacey, Vinny, Diggy, Matt (in a penguin suit - cue Alexis!), Nick (in a Santa beard - cue the psychologist!) and Amanda, who arrives and returns her engagement ring she got last year in paradise from Josh. Not sure why she continues to do this to herself, but later we learn she was rejected by Raya, the "celeb" dating app. Ouch. Paradise it is!

Taylor is back, and doesn't want to talk to her archenemy Corinne. So instead she'll wear shorts that are basically underwear and bonds quickly with Derek, who proves he's a man and can build a fire.

Corinne and DeMario hit it off immediately (hmmm) and take things into the pool - Corinne still fully dressed and drunk by 4:30, according to the play-by-play commentary of Alex (who clearly has nothing else to do).

Chris Harrison gathers up the group for a sad announcement - Jorge is leaving to pursue his dream of starting Jorges Tour-ges (YES! I am on board with this idea!), and Wells will be our bartender from here on out! The women are handing out roses this week, and Kristina gets the first date card. She chooses Dean, and they hit it off over dinner and folklorico dancing.

Danielle M is bummed - she liked Dean - but while spilling her guts to her "good friend" Wells at the bar, I see a future for these two Nashville kids. Just saying.

Lacey and Iggy start to bond, but Nick gets too drunk for Jasmine so she makes out with Matt instead. (Thankfully in Paradise there are just extra make-out partners in spades.) The next morning, Lacey learns her grandfather has died, so she has to leave, leaving Iggy without hope of getting a rose. Robby arrives with an odd new hairdo - people keep touching it and talking about it, so it's clearly odd not just to me - and a date card. After briefly chatting with a few of the ladies, he asks out Raven, which bums out Ben Z. (But he DOES miss his dog, so if he has to go home there's a silver lining.) Robby thinks the date went great, but Raven isn't feeling it. She doesn't want to go out with a guy with better hair/teeth/abs/Instagram followers than her - she even made a secret drinking game for every time he touched his hair. I still believe he may be gay, and this kind of cements it for me.

Matt gets the next date card and asks out Jasmine. They go to a drag club, and Matt agrees to be drag-ified into "Virginia." Jasmine loves it.

It's do or die time before the rose ceremony, so Ben Z decides to make one more play for Raven, and luckily he's a better kisser than Robby! Taylor and Derek are also smooching, and Danielle M and Jack Stone seem to be getting along...

But then the shit hits the fan, with cameramen ordered to stop filming as producers grab Corinne and DeMario. TO BE FREAKING CONTINUED

See? Addictive.

My mom claims to hate reality TV - in fact, she makes a point to mutter disapproving remarks when I watch any and all Real Housewives programs. But this weekend she came into my room while I was watching Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders: Making the Team, and stayed for two full episodes. Even calling out candidates by name ("Ooh, that's Brianna!"). She is so busted. Up next: Bachelor in Paradise.

Do the right thing, ABC

Ladies, if you're not following The Bachelorette's Peter Kraus on Instagram, here is what you're missing:

You're welcome.

Suddenly in the mood for chicken.

Why do I love this so much.

California love (shout-out, Tupac)

Santa Barbara is so beautiful - mountains, beach and like 80 and sunny every day. I even saw a bunch of homeless people and totally got it - if you have to be homeless, what better place than Santa Barbara?? The hotel was right on the beach, so I got nice and sunburned (damn you California weather - when I don't sweat I don't feel like I'm burning!) - and I even rented a bike (and helmet, mom) and pedaled into town for fro-yo and shopping. And it was great seeing one of my besties from high school as well - we ate some fabulous food and enjoyed catching up face-to-face for once. Probably my last trip for a while, so I tried to enjoy the calm (and gluten free toast) as much as I could.

Bachelorette recap: Bad idea jeans

Oh, Rachel. Silly, silly Rachel. You picked style over substance, diamonds over destiny - but congrats I guess? That's right, folks - another season is over and another Bachelorette couple is doomed engaged. She was clearly in love with Peter (#teamgaptooth), but wanted to be engaged so badly that she let him walk away - even after he told her he would propose. ("But I want you to WANT to propose!" #eyeroll #eyeroll #eyeroll)

The after the final rose was very tense - clearly there are still feelings there - and I found it interesting that Rachel said several times how the Bachelor scene just wasn't right for Peter. Is she trying to convince producers NOT to pick him?? (don't listen to her, producers!)

So we're left with Bryan. Ol' "red flags" Bryan who the guys warned her about, her family warned her about, and Bryan's ex girlfriend basically warned her about (his mother is a DOOZY y'all). He's 37 and single in Miami. Methinks there's a reason for that. Ohhhhhh, Rachel.

Here's to sweet Pete being the next Bachelor, and here's to Eric for having the most upstanding break-up I've seen in a long time.

Going back to Cali

Headed to Santa Barbara tomorrow for a long weekend (so no blogs until Tuesday). I've never been there, and I've heard awesome things so I'm excited. I guess it's a "babymoon," although does it qualify as a babymoon if you're single? Meh.

Going to the spa, the beach, the pool, renting a bike to peddle into town, etc. And my friend from high school who lives in LA is going to come down for one night and play. Yay!

I'll take Justin Bobby any day

Watched Siesta Key, the new reality show on MTV that follows a group of 22-year-olds in Florida. I assume it's supposed to be the new Laguna Beach/The Hills. It is not. (Note: this could be because I am practically twice these people's age, so roll my eyes instead of feeling like Lo and I could be friends 13 years ago. Which would never have happened, but you catch my drift.)

But I do applaud MTV for trying. First bringing back "reality" shows, then TRL - what's next? Music videos???

Bachelorette recap: The Men Tell All. Or not much.

You know it's going to be kind of a snooze-fest when the first ten minutes are "most memorable moments" from PREVIOUS Men Tell Alls. Oh goodie. (Did make me realize that I've forgotten about most of these people, however.)

Otherwise, I can sum up last night's two hours thusly:

• Whaboom showed up in - what else - a Whaboom tank top. I enjoyed when one of the guys called him a joke. #truthhurts
• DeMario claimed not to know the woman proclaiming to be his girlfriend, then backtracked to call her a "side-piece." Nice. He even tried to use the Bill Clinton defense. Not sure that works, man.
• Kenny and Lee. This went on for MUCH longer than it needed to. Kenny harbors no ill will - and his daughter gets to go to Disneyland! Lee admits he made mistakes and lied. Then they bring up his old misogynistic and racist tweets. He says he is sorry, but the guys aren't buying it. If he was so sorry, why wait a year to apologize?? (Also, he keeps claiming the comparing of the NAACP to the KKK was "cut off" and only "half the joke." Dare you enlighten us with the second half?? Once Rachel comes out, she tells him off but good. Methinks Lee is done for. No Paradise for you, bub.
• Dean is a crowd favorite (and DOES get to go to Paradise). He asks Rachel why she would tell him she's falling in love with him, just to send him home. She swears her feelings were real. Probably doesn't make him feel much better, but props to Dean and Alex for their wild tux jackets.
• Rachel addresses Adam and Matt, the two guys who got no screen time but made it quite far - she says America didn't get to see their relationships. Intriguing. (And where was Adam Jr.??)
• Finally, bloopers. Which Chris Harrison makes it seem like people LOVE. Not sure that's true, but I did enjoy seeing the tickle monster again.

Next week, this season comes to a (dramatic) close at last. #teamgaptooth

Phone Home

OMG guys. E.T. is still so fantastic. I laughed. I cried. I spotted a young C. Thomas Howell and Erika Eleniak. #randombuttrue

Couldn't find a gif of my favorite scene where E.T. is dressed as a ghost and says "Thank you," so this will have to do:

Also, did you know that M&Ms turned down the offer, paving the way for Reese's Pieces? Idiots. Especially considering they didn't have to pay to play:

Hershey did not pay to have Reese’s Pieces used in E.T., but it did agree to do a tie-in between the movie and the candy after the film was released. A deal was inked wherein Hershey Foods agreed to promote E.T. with $1 million of advertising; in return, Hershey could use E.T. in its own ads.
Within two weeks of the movie’s premiere, Reese’s Pieces sales went through the roof. (Disagreement exists as to how far through the roof they went: Sales were variously described as having tripled, experienced an 85% jump, or increased by 65%). Whatever the numbers, though, Reese’s Pieces — up until then an underdog confection only faintly known by the U.S. candy-consuming public — were suddenly being consumed in great handfuls. And all thanks to a shy little alien lured from the bushes and into America’s hearts by a trail of peanut-butter-in-a-candy-coated-shell confections.

#randombuttrue

Wait that guy looks familiar

I love finding celebrities on reality shows before they were "famous." (Yes, I realize I need to get a hobby.) So imagine my excitement when randomly watching the first episode of The Ashlee Simpson show on youtube (again, I realize this is fairly sad) - she was dating Josh Henderson (of Dallas and now The Arrangement)! Of course, he broke up with her by the end of the episode and the rest of the time she dated Ryan Cabrera, but it got me wondering about Josh so I Googled. Turns out, not his first reality show rodeo - he was one of the six winners of Popstars 2 which created some band called Scene 23. Which of course then I had to start watching. And also saw Kimberly Caldwell of future American Idol fame. Two for two!

Okay, reading this back I really might have a problem. Perhaps I could take up cross-stitch?