Rocky Mountain "bye"

Off to Colorado tomorrow morning - so please forgive the lack of blog posts. (I know some of you just LIVE for this stuff. HAAAA) Aside from Project Fake Wedding Dress, there will be white-water rafting, hiking, and hopefully some lovely non-humid hair days.

Ready to get my granola on. (But I draw the line at not shaving my legs. Sorry, mountain men.)

Peace out.

YO.

Any Hockaday peeps out there...are you aware that there's a Y.O. Ranch steakhouse in Dallas? I think we need to take a field trip and relive the magic/nightmare that was the Y.O. Ranch experience.

For the non-Hockadaisies, every freshman class takes a trip to Y.O. Ranch to "bond" as a class. Because nothing says bonding like 80 smelly girls out in the woods. No clue where this place is, but our bus broke down outside of Kerrville, as I recall, so it must be somewhere in that region. We broke into groups with animal names and sounds (I believe I was in "Ostriches, Puaaah!" due to the sound that an ostrich head might make popping out of the sand? Whatever. We were 14.), and had a variety of activities and trust games and other thrilling experiences.

The thing I remember most was the camp-out. The group was together at one point, but each girl had to spend one night completely alone in the wilderness. We had a fire, one tortilla, a slice of American cheese and an apple. I remember this so vividly because it was so ridiculous. (And I made a delicious quesadilla, thank you very much.) How terrifying to be stuck out there with wild animals totally alone? Or am I just over-dramatizing my memories? (I wouldn't put it past myself...)

Anywho. Now there's a Y.O. restaurant. Might have to bust out a bandana do-rag (there are sadly photos that I wore one on the original trip), rub some dirt on my face, and head over. Puaaaah.

Score one for Gen X

I just saw someone sign a Facebook post, LYLAS (Love Ya Like A Sister). Was this the 80s version of OMG and LOL? You could also throw TTFN (Ta-ta For Now) into the mix...nice. Yay for people born in the 70s.

I do. Not.

That's right, folks! I'm at it again!
Boyfriends: 0.
Dates on the horizon: 0.
And yet...
Times I've gone to bridal salons to try on dresses: 1! And going for round 2 on Thursday!

Ah, my life rules.

My mom was saddened to miss it the first time, and since we both know this might be the only time she sees me in a wedding dress, she's booked me an appointment in Denver on Thursday. Our poor poor consultant Francoise has no idea what she (he?)'s in for. (And no idea that the whole thing is a sham a lam a ding dong.)

Fake wedding date? Check.
CZ ring? Check.
Faux fiance's name? Check.
Single for life once this story leaks to all the guys I know? Check MATE.

Bachelorette update...yawn...

Aside from the first 15 minutes (aka "Justin-gate"), last night's episode was pretty ho-hum. I did enjoy the Turkish music playing while Justin walked away and we got to hear countless voicemails he left for his girlfriend back home. Nice editing work, ABC!

Ty is adorbs, but his views about women are VERY unfortunate. Really? You're just now hearing about women being CEOs? Seriously. Where is this guy from? Yikes. I'm picturing him and his ex-wife:
She: "Honey, I got a job!"
He: "Gonnna have to serve you these divorce papers, baby. A woman's place is in the home."
She: "WTF???"

And poor poor Craig. Funny and smart but just not cutting the mustard. After the olive oil wrestling and everything! (again, WTF???)

That's really all I got from 2 hours of bachelorette nonsense. 2 hours I'll never get back. Sigh.

Infection be damned

Got a mole removed last week - came back normal, yay - but I have a sinking suspicion that the "wound" is infected. Awesomeness. I have been diligent about cleaning it, bandaids, hydrogen peroxide (love when it bubbles!), you name it. And yet, still might be infected. But after three doctors visits and countless dollars spent last week, I'm done with co-pays and crap. So please - if like 4 days go by without a blog update, I have gotten septic and need immediate medical attention. Good looking out, peeps.
:)

Jake Pavelka in the house...sort of

So apparently Jake (of The Bachelor fame) was at Park right after I left Saturday night. And he is also apparently about 5'6". Awesome. So maybe he was there and I just didn't see him. (Get it? Because he's short? Heh.)

In semi-relevant Bachelor news, I am stupid excited about Bachelor Pad starting this summer, and also stupid excited that I didn't get picked the year I sent in an audition tape. (Thank you thank you thank you)

I am a spelling Nazi

While waiting for friends at Love & War in Texas in Grapevine (wooo) Friday night, a guy in the band (ha!) approached me. Not my type, but it was someone to talk to and his tales of opening a store that sells boots was only mildly boring. For some UNKNOWN reason I agreed to give him my # when asked - and my REAL number, not 867-5309 - and of course he texted me on Saturday. This was the message: "Hey Sarah what ate you doing tonight?" And...delete. I realize "ate" is a word. But it's not the right word. Things like this might explain why I'm still single.

Sidebar: walking out of Love & War, I realized that could easily be the place where I get raped and murdered. The bar is randomly located within the Grapevine Mills parking lot, and it was so crowded when I got there that I parked over by the Golden Corral (wooo). Of course by the time I left, everything was closed, and I was just picturing some weirdo drunken redneck checking out my awesome turquoise boots (ooh- "turquoise" was another word my new friend didn't know) and leaving me to die by Highway 26. Luckily, arrived home safe and sound.

Wish L&W was closer to my 'hood, as it has a great Texas-y vibe. Maybe next time I'll just crash at the Gaylord and live it up, Grapevine-style. :)

The funniest Facebook post I have ever seen.

Yesterday, my sorority sister Ruth (who is a doctor) was apparently trying to explain being mooned by a man because she had to postpone his surgery. Which in and of itself is hilarious. But when he mooned her, his puss-filled tumor came into full view. Not so funny. But oh, the way she wrote it...

"Got mooned by a patient today when I had to postpone his surgery. His 6-inch pussy, sacral tumor came into full view..." at which point I stopped reading in sheer horror. NO SHE DIDN'T. So I went back and read it again. And once more. Finally realizing what she meant, I couldn't stop laughing. Needless to say, she got a bunch of confused/hilarious comments after that.

DYING.

RIP, MJ

It's ridiculous that I started tearing up driving to work this morning when the Kidd Kraddick team was talking about Michael Jackson, and Shanon said, "Thanks, Michael. You provided the soundtrack for my childhood." Sniffle. But it's TRUE!

Not sure there need to be memorials every year, but I will admit that I've been jamming to his tunes all day. Sh'mon.

Weirdest secret admirer gift ever.

I ordered a book for my friend's upcoming birthday, and when I got home yesterday there was a package waiting on my front porch. Assuming it was the gift, I tore it open. Turned out to be a book called "Delivering Happiness" by the CEO of Zappos. Which I didn't order. The person who did? Someone named "Star Bradshaw" in Las Vegas. Seriously, the weirdest thing ever. Because my name and address were on the "Deliver to" portion of the bill. Um, Star, is it? Thanks, but I will be returning the book to Barnes and Noble. I like Zappos as much as the next guy, but my book by Lauren Conrad is next in line for beach reading purposes. (Sadly, I'm NOT kidding, and I already read her first one. LC author > LC fashion designer.

Maybe I'LL post a "missed connection"

...because on the way home yesterday I once again saw and made eye contact with OU dude in the red Jeep. Seriously. I realize the times I am on the highway are typical work drive-times (7:30am and 5:30pm), but still. Weird.

Burlesque-y business

Apparently there's a new hot place in Dallas called Teddy's Room that has burlesque dancers. And $14 drinks. But I digress. I really have no interest in this. I don't mind if guys go to strip clubs (preferably not every weekend, but you catch my drift), and I'm sure the art of burlesque is lovely (see Dita von Teese), but just...no.

I read a review this morning on D Magazine's website, and it said the place was full of 20-something beautiful girls and 50-year old men paying for their drinks.
Ooh, sign me up! (sarcasm, people.)

Afterword: You all know I will try this place at least once. So I can say I did it. And so I can have another exciting post for my blog. :)

10 hours of tennis? No thanks

OMG that Wimbledon match was/is insane! I think I would've thrown in the purple and green towel (which I still have - hee) around the 12-13 mark. But 59-59? Um. No. (Or "Non" for the Frenchman.)

C'mon, Isner. Pull it together, man. Of course, if he DOES win, does that mean he has to play again tomorrow? His body needs like a week to recover. Sure makes my two-hour workouts seem pretty paltry in comparison.

And did they only take ONE pee break? WTH. I guess they were sweating so much they didn't need to go. Ew. And yikes.

D'oh.

You know when you're filling out a form online, be it a job application or purchasing something or creating a new account for the bank or whatever? How embarassing would it be if the company got sent a notice every time you messed up or failed to fill in one of the boxes and had to try again? I typically have to go through like 3 or 4 rounds. Would most DEF not be getting a job if they were aware of how many times I forgot to add what county I lived in. Or whatev. Yeesh.

What's up, doc?

Two doctor's appointments today. And already had one on Monday. Reeeeeally enjoying have health insurance again, after a few months without it (ahem).

One of my appointments today is with my gyno (avert your eyes, male reader(s)), whose son went to high school with me. They both work in the same office (the horror!), and when I called to make an appt the nurse asked WHICH of the doctors I would like to see (as they share the same last name - duh). I said, "The dad! ALWAYS the dad! Make a note in my file!" She busted out laughing - but I'm sorry. Even if my doctor was on vacation and I was giving birth, I would hold that sucker in to avoid having a high school friend take care of my business. Ew. NO. It's embarassing enough that it's his dad, who gives me rundowns of all the guys in my class during my exam. Fun times. Sigh.

Holy annoyance, Batman

I have had the same cell phone number for about 10 years now. And the entire time, I have been getting random calls for a Jason Pope. Since the numbers are all 866 and crap, I assume this Jason character is in trouble with creditors and has fled the country. But seriously folks. Aggravating. Sometimes I answer just to ask to remove the number from their list, but I still continue to get calls. (Just got one, hence the rant.)

Anyone know this guy? Help a girl out.

Jhglaorjbalsjbf. That's "Bachelorette" in Icelandic.

Good grief. This program KILLS me. (And yet I watch religiously every damn week.)

My notes, in brief:

1. "Supposably." Actually not a word. Although I've heard Jacqueline on Real Housewives of NJ use it, so maybe it's "reality show speak?" Sigh.
2. Thank you for FINALLY giving subtitles to Kasey! I've been asking for them since day one. Although even the subtitles couldn't decipher everything the poor guy was saying. Ha.
3. Frank is sort of creeping me out. Used to think he was cute in a Steve Zahn sort of way, but he's a little intense and "hey, jealousy."
4. Did you notice that on the spelunking date into the cave, all the guys were in the EXACT. SAME. OUTFITS. Lame, ABC.
4. Chris M and his "poem" - I think I prefer him mute.
5. Mold poisoning? Really? Where do they FIND these people?!
6. I heart Ty. Maybe it's a Southern thing. But awwww.
7. The whole "It's like the Beauty and the Beast rose!" commentary. I heard at least one guy go, "Yeah!" in agreement - Please tell me he was just being polite and isn't really referencing this Disney animated movie...
8. Bikini under her snow suit? WTF
9. Dorky, but I loved that she and Kirk wore matching sweaters. I think if there was anywhere they could pull that off, it would be in Iceland.

I also own the blue and black fingerless gloves that Kasey was wearing. Just saying.

I'd like to thank my fans

Why does it bug me when celebrities say it's "all about their fans?" What about the cash? And the fancy trips? And private jets? Isn't part of it about that? Just a little?

(And yes, I'm jealous. Humph.)

Eye Eye, cap'n

For some reason, I love going to the eye doctor. They have all kinds of fun tests and weird machines - a very interactive experience. "Is lens 1 or 2 better? 3 or 4? 5 or 1?" Hee.

And they don't even have to dilate your eyes anymore! (Guess this proves how long it's been since I've gotten my eyes checked.) There's some newfangled machine that gives a digital mapping image of your eyeballs. Which the eye doctor later showed me. Um, really don't need to see my optic nerve, but thanks.

For anyone keeping score, it's RIP to my crazy colored contacts. I have come to accept my normal blue eyes for what they are - no more BLUE!. Just blue. Sigh.

Et tu, A/C?

Went to three different bars over the weekend (and no, I don't think that means I have a drinking problem. Why? What have you heard?). In all three, the air conditioning was broken. Mind you, it's like 100 degrees plus humidity outside. Not a pretty picture. Then to have the A/C busted, it became cooler OUTSIDE than inside. Hair: puffy. Face: glistening. And not in a good way. Outfits: wrinkled when I sit down, destined for the dry cleaners after only 15 minutes of wear. Buzz: fairly non-existent, because the ice melts so quickly and waters down the drinks, which you are downing with a glass of water anyway because it's So. Damn. Hot.
Ugggggh.

Not to sound like a dumb blonde, but...

How does "99 Luft Balloons" rhyme in both German and English? There can't possibly be that many translations about balloons that make sense in both languages. It's always been something of a quandary for me. (And it's playing on Pandora right now.)

Insert easy explanations that will make me feel retarded below.

Soundtrack of my life

I have that "Let the River Run" song from Working Girl stuck in my head. (Don't ask.) Makes me think of other great songs from movies...and therefore, another retarded list.

"Playing with the Boys," Top Gun: beach volleyball scene. Nuff said.
"Footloose," Footloose: opening dance sequence featuring 80s shoes of all kinds. Greatness.
"Kokomo," Cocktail: sorry, but it's catchy. I owned the cassette tape. True story.
"Unchained Melody," Ghost: changed pottery forever.
"My Sharona," Reality Bites: great little dance in a gas station. Gotta love it.
"If You Leave," Pretty in Pink: still gets me every time. Duckie!!
"Old Time Rock and Roll," Risky Business: Tom Cruise. Undies. All you need to know.
"Axel F," Beverly Hills Cop: and I'm not just saying that because it happens to be my ringtone.
"Oh Yeah," every 80s movie. Admit it: you have imagined slow-mo walking into a bar, getting out of a pool, or putting on Silver City Pink lipstick to this song. (Or is that just me??)
"In Your Eyes," Say Anything: sigh. SIGH.
"You Never Can Tell," Pulp Fiction: single-handedly revived John Travolta's career.

Weird that most of these are from 80s movies. Then again, most of my formative years were lived in the 80s...
and I refuse to add "My Heart Will Go On" to this list. Not gonna do it.

Hey, heat (is he saying "hey, heat?")

To preface the title of this post, there's a scene in Wayne's World where they hear a Nirvana song and Wayne goes, "is he saying 'Hey, Wayne?'" As a junior in high school, a few of us went on a trip to DC for a leadership conference. Turned out to be the coldest week in like DC's history - our night tour of the monuments was cancelled because they turned off the lights to conserve power. So there wasn't much to do to entertain a bunch of high school kids - they tried screening Mr. Smith Goes to Washington, but people were more interested in using the lunch trays for sledding and hitting the ice cream social. ANYWAY, it was f-ing freezing, and we would be like hey, heat (and then enter the "is he saying hey heat" as an afterthought)...hmmm guess you had to be there.

But back to the point: you know it's hot when you sweat walking into the building at 7:45 a.m. REALLY not looking forward to heading out to my car at lunch in a black t-shirt. Heat index today: 105. Sexcellent.

It's the little things

Sad that folding laundry last night, I was THRILLED to come out with matches for all my socks. (Tend to lose at least one per load.) But hey. Simple pleasures.

80s shout-out in 3...2...1...

Was watching this new show, Cupcake Wars, on the Food Network. The assistant to the winning baker was none other than Maureen Flannigan, of the so-bad-it's-good 80s sitcom Out of This World. Remember her? She played Evie, her dad talked from a box...

(I totally had to IMDB to find out her name.)

Anyway. She went by "Mo" on the Food Network, but hilariousness all around.

Bracelet FAIL.

Well, this is as good as it's going to look, people. The friendship bracelet wouldn't lay right when I twisted it around the tennis bracelet, so we're going for "gypsy chic" - more like "fugly hodgepodge" - but who cares. It's summery and random, two adjectives I would use to describe myself. And at $30, slightly cheaper than the $200 one I was trying to knock off (unsuccessfully). Ka-ching.

Another random list

Celebrities I'm following on Twitter. Why? Who the hell knows.

Kristin Kreuk
Heidi Montag
Penn Badgley
Barack Obama
Busy Phillipps
Joel McHale
Kelly Bensimon
Lo Bosworth
Paris Hilton
Nicole Richie
Alyssa Milano
Amanda Bynes
Justin Bieber (I told you this was random. And embarassing.)
Bethenny Frankel
Kiptyn Locke
Matthew Perry
Sean May (he's a celeb to UNC fans, at least)
Ty Lawson (same as above)
Tyler Hansbrough (and again)
Zachary Levi
Blake Lively
Lindsay Lohan
Jessica Simpson
Rachel Bilson
Lauren Conrad
Kristin Chenoweth
Jennifer Aniston
Tori Spelling
Taylor Swift
Oprah Winfrey
Kristin Bell
Ellen DeGeneres
Perez Hilton
Britney Spears
Giuliana Rancic


Wow. Sad. Yet...time-suckingly fun.

whoa

I saw the Red Jeep guy again this morning on 75! He was either A. no longer interested or 2. didn't see me. We'll go with #2.

But seriously - what are the odds of seeing the same person twice in one week on a ridiculously busy highway? Maybe it's more likely than I think?

Grease. Still the word.

Grease was on TV the other night, and although I have probably seen it 17,000 times, I got sucked in yet again. I think I find new gems every time I watch it - and it is SO much more adult/suggestive than I could comprehend at age 10. "We got friendly - down in the sand" simply meant they were making sandcastles, right? RIGHT? Hilarious.

And take a good look at some of the T-Birds. Sonny looks about 47. We are supposed to believe this guy is in HIGH SCHOOL? Still - greatness. Grease 2 absolutely has its moments, but the first reigns supreme in my heart and on my record player.

And now, for Kelly:

Sandy?
Danny?
I thought you were moving to Australia!

We had a change of plans!

Hey - that's cool, baby. I mean you know how it is, rockin', and rollin', and what-not.

Danny?
That's my name, don't wear it out!

What's the matter with you?
What's the matter with me? Baby, what's the matter with you?
What happened to the Danny Zuko I met on the beach?
Well I do not know. I mean, maybe there's two of us. Why don't you take out a missing persons ad or check the yellow pages, I don't know.

You're a fake, and a phony, and I wish I'd never laid eyes on you! (Throws down the pom-poms)

(I bet that's not all she laid on him!) (Hey, Zook - I got CAR, remember?)

And scene.

I want to protect and guard your heart. And then vomit.

Oh, the Bachelorette. It was such a doozy last night that I had to take notes. Here are my thoughts, in brief:

1. Has this turned into a musical? WHY did like four guys insist on singing (not even counting the cringe-worthy Broadway auditions)??
2. "Protect and guard your heart" should have been a drinking game. How many freaking times did the Muppet say that?? Good lord. And Frank took the words out of my mouth when he said "getting a tattoo proves nothing except that you're nuts!" Genius.
3. Chris M speaks! And somehow gets a rose over sweet Jesse. Who IS this guy. Seriously.
4. Chris L rocked a backpack on his way over to Ali's hotel. Why god why.
5. Two words: BIKE SHORTS.
6. "Cocooned." Sigh.
7. Do you think actors and dancers who have struggled for years to get on Broadway saw Ali and Roberto and were like WTF. All we have to do is be on a cheesy REALITY show, and there you go!
8. "Fibber!" Sigh, again.
9. Weatherman..."dolt." "Schmuck." And then that whole crap in your face sh*tstorm reference. Got a little graphic there, bud. And loved the psycho music that would always play when he was about to speak.

All in all, she should have dumped Kasey and kept Jesse. But thank you thank you for giving weatherman the boot. I SO want to look for one of his newscasts on Youtube.

Sarah-ism

I would totally buy something hideous in a smaller size simply because it was that size. Is that bad?

Dramamine: 1, Embarassing moments: 0

I am happy to report that I did NOT puke on the catamaran this weekend. Thank you, little Dramamine. THANK YOU. It was 100 total randoms, but the awesomeness of the boat made the day pretty damn fun. DJ (who played "Pussy Control" and closed the afternoon with "I'm on a Boat."). Bartenders (serving rum punch and strawberry margs). Chair massages (from "Levi, not Levy."). Ginormous floats (seriously, they held 12 people each) to lounge on in the water.

Kind of makes the party barge we usually use look pretty tragic.

And there was some boat drama - a couple broke up ON the boat. REALLY? You couldn't wait 30 minutes until we were back on shore? Because not only were you stuck on a boat in the middle of a lake, but then you had a 30-minute or so drive back to Dallas! Good timing, dude. It would have been so awesome if she had just jumped off and started swimming. Like "screw you - I'd rather drown than stay on this thing with you, jackass!"

Oh, and then there was the Random Girl who showed up late. She plopped down next to me at the end and told me the whole story - she didn't know ANYONE on the boat, and took a cab to the marina because she knew she would be drinking. The cab driver was late, and the catamaran had already set sail. (There technically WAS a sail, so I believe this phrase is legit.) She somehow found someone to take her out to our boat on ANOTHER boat. So we see this chick getting a private chauffeur out, thinking who the hell is THIS? Ends up, just some Random. Slightly weird, though. I told her about my trip to Cancun next month, and she goes, "Can I come?" I laughed it off, and she goes, "No, seriously." Erm. Awkward. No thanks, Random Girl.

And you all will be happy to learn that I busted out the SPF 30, and who knew? It works! I didn't get burned at all. (In fact, I don't even think I got tan, but that's neither here nor there.)
Coming a little late to the sunscreen party, but the hype is definitely worth it. Hell - I even wore a HAT. (I know, I know.)

Who's that guy? (Best Grease 2 song)

Went to happy hour Friday night and ran into a guy friend. He was with a table full of decent-looking male individuals. As he was leaving, I stopped him and was like "What up with the random dudes I've never seen before? You holding out on me?" He got all flustered and explained that one was potentially single, the others not so much. Still - one single newbie needs to be brought around, introduced to the group...no hold outs! If you know someone, HOOK A SISTAH UP. Just putting it out there. He might not be right for me, but he might be right for one of the Pink Ladies...just saying.

Get out of my dreams...get into my car (beep beep yeah)

Dude in a red Jeep Liberty drove behind me on 75 this morning. Same kind of car as I drive - nice. He finally pulled into the next lane and was checking me out in his rearview mirror. THEN in his side mirror. Dude. What am I supposed to do with this. Pull over? Take a picture of your license plate with my cameraphone and cyberstalk you at the office? (He DID seem cute-ish.) Hilarious. As if driving isn't dangerous enough - now we have to incorporate flirting into the mix? Sheesh.

Things that make me go hmmm

If Mr. is short for "mister," why isn't Sr. short for "sister?"

Can you be friends with benefits with someone you're not friends with?

How do weathermen determine if the day is "partly sunny" or "partly cloudy?" (my guess: COIN FLIP)

Captain's log, day 18

Back out on the water tomorrow for a 5-hour booze cruise on a catamaran. Bought Dramamine, as what will now be known as the Memorial Day Massacre has scarred me for life and I fear puking in front of 100 strangers might be something I can't come back from.

Hoping that since it DOES hold 100 people, it will be big enough for me not to feel the waves. Eating light beforehand just in case. Ugh.

"It's a helluva day at sea, sir!"
-my favorite line from Overboard

867-5309

I really don't give out my cell phone number to guys very much. Mostly because no one ever asks me for it. But I DO have a strict "use it or lose it" policy - if I don't hear from a guy in a while, or we aren't dating anymore, or whatever, I delete his number. (This way I can avoid drunk dialing and embarassing butt or purse dialing as well.) But I guess guys keep MY number - I get so many texts from people who I cannot identify, it's ridiculous. And I feel too bad to write back "um who IS this?" So I just play along. Usually I can figure out who it is, but the latest one I truly have no idea. The number doesn't look familiar, but it's obviously someone I'm FB friends with because he (assuming it's a he - don't crush the dream, people) asked if I was at the same place I FB status'ed. Then this week he invited me to a concert. I had plans, but seriously. WHO IS THIS PERSON. I think if he ever texts again, I'm going to say "my phone died and I lost all my contacts. Who is this?" Sorry if it's one of my lovely 19 readers.

I just don't see it

Does anyone really find John Mayer sexy? I think he is a giant douche who somehow gets hot girlfriends and then Tweets rude things about them after he breaks their hearts. Plus the faces he makes when he sings...ew.

I would ALMOST rather choose The Situation, above. ALMOST.

My sad little reality show connection

The new "psycho" girl on the Hills this week, Allie Lutz? Um I know her. Her dad, Bob, played tennis with my dad and they are Facebook friends. I haven't seen this girl since she was like 4 or 5, but she seriously looks the same. WEIRD.

She'll cut a bitch

I just love that phrase (thank you, Kathy Griffin), but can't seem to appropriately work it into my daily coversation. Other awesome words/phrases:

Dude, where's my car?
OMG (I refuse to use LOL)
Fo' shizzle
Doy
FBO (Facebook Official)
Amazeballs
Peace out (yes I still use this one)
Sexcellent
GTL
Schwing!

And...scene.

Say it ain't so

Jessica Simpson is NOT fat. She's curvy. But she's also touting herself as a size 6. How is that possible?! Maybe an 8. NOT a 6. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) I mean, she IS pretty short, so maybe that comes into play? Her boobs alone wouldn't fit into a size 6! (And yes, I'm bitter. So what.)

Channeling my inner Martha Stewart

I really want to buy a Frieda and Nellie bracelet, above. But they're like $200. And considering it's basically a fancy friendship bracelet, I can't justify it. But that's not to say I can't figure out how to make my own...so I purchased a dozen pre-made friendship bracelets ($6) and a lovely CZ tennis bracelet ($24), all from Amazon, and I'm going to give it the ol' college try. Hell - I also have a dozen gummy bracelets that I bought for the 80s party that is no longer happening. Maybe I can add those to the mix for the ultimate retro jewelry creation. Throw in one of those slap bracelets, a charm from James Avery and a Slinky bracelet and we're good to go.

I will post pics once I figure out how to piece this bad boy together. Or not.

MTV Movie Awards

I think I am too old for this show. (And probably for 95% of shows on MTV.) Thank god I Tivo'd it - no way could I have sat through two hours of movie self-promotion (entire cast of "Grown Ups?" What??) and lauding Twilight. Tom Cruise dancing with Jennifer Lopez was fairly amusing, I will grant you that, and my jam of the summer is Katy Perry's "California Gurls," so I enjoyed the live version (Snoop Dogg!!!), but aside from that...Sandra smooching Scarlett? Snookie attempting to interview on the red carpet?

Poor Betty White was probably like "get me the F out of here."

Girl Crush

There's this girl at the gym who has the most redonk body I have ever seen. She comes to Body Pump and we all just stare at her. Super skinny but super toned, plus the fact that she uses like triple the weight I use. How she doesn't pass out and/or fall over, I will never know. The funny thing is, other girls in the class keep mentioning her, so at least I know I'm not alone. Thank you, skinny gym girl. Maybe I'll add an additional 2 1/2 pounds onto my barbell next time in the hopes of one day looking like you. (The fact that she's probably 20 also works in her favor, but whatev.)

Bachelorette, ep 3

Um CHAPSTICK. Did anyone else see Steve (Guttenberg - he really looked like him!) apply a quick layer of chapstick before his makeshift one-on-one date with Ali? GREATNESS. And perhaps why he got the boot.

I've spoiled this season by reading the spoilers (um, hence the name), but Rated R is reeeealllly starting to annoy. And I heart Cape Cod Chris - he has a tat of his mom's signature?? Awwww.

Poor Hunter - that was uber-awkward. I don't think I would be able to kick anyone off after a one-on-one - would just not invite them again the following week and then give them the boot. Although I guess that's leading them on...sheesh. Lot of stress to be the Bachelorette. Although as many times as Ali cackles in every episode, you'd never know it. Ugh.

Maybe I should work somewhere where I have to wear a uniform

I have been told twice that my outfits are not conservative enough for the workplace. Um. The guy across from me wears jeans and a t-shirt every day. Not exactly a law firm, people. And sadly, yesterday's ensemble felt pretty office-appropriate to me. And then I was told that my cute pink wedges were "too high" for the office? Exsqueeze? It's not like they're clear plastic stripper shoes...

I got sent home once before at my very first job out of college. Mind you, I had just gotten back from a wild weekend in Mexico at like 2 a.m. the night before, with a head full of cornrows. That's right. So I got up and started unbraiding, but time was ticking away so I ended up pulling my hair back into pigtails, with beaded braids on the underside. Sad but true. And as an added homage to my trip, wore a long pink dress that I bought on the beach from a kid selling Chiclets. Okay, I will accept inappropriate. I was 21 and didn't really care.

But it continues to happen...I'm just not a black suit and pumps kind of person. Maybe I need to go back to school and be a nurse or something. Scrubs might work for me. As if I didn't get enough of wearing a uniform at Hockaday for 8 years...ha.

I am a sucker for coupons

I have one from CVS where I will get $4 knocked off if my total is over $20. Somehow I can never spend $20 at CVS, so it's burning a damn hole in my wallet. Kind of tempted to go and god help me buy enough ugly eye shadows that I will most likely never wear just so I can say "hey - only $16!" Then again, that's $16 worth of ugly eye shadows. Hmmm.

Seriously folks

I have a real problem paying for valet parking. Especially when it's not complimentary. I know how cheap that sounds, but come on. $15 to valet at House of Blues? No thanks. So I parked in the $5 lot across from Hooters (heh), and we headed to the automated machine to pay our money. What resulted made me miss the days when you found the little slot with your parking spot number on it and shoved a wadded-up dollar bill in. Quick and (mostly) painless. But no - that was apparently TOO easy.

We got to the automated machine, only to find a line back out to the street. Really, folks? And then we waited. And waited. 30 minutes later we were finally next in line. Turns out the machine didn't accept debit cards, so one dude was (unsuccessfully) asking people in line for cash because all he had was a debit card. Then there was a random homeless guy who was trying to help everyone out, in exchange for tips. (The giant sign ironically posted behind him said "Do NOT pay anyone posing as an attendant." But the sign also spelled privileges "Priviledges," so who knows.)

Needless to say, I was able to pay and move out of the way in like 3 minutes. Not sure what everyone was doing up there. Let's get it together, people. Otherwise I will be forced to shell out $15 for valet next time.

Hot shoes. Literally.

I am intrigued by the sandals that have an added piece of fabric on the top, like the ones pictured above. I guess you could get a similar look with legwarmers, which also begs the question, Are these types of shoes too hot to wear in Texas in the summer?? I might have to buy a pair. (For scientific purposes, of course.)

How to put THIS nicely...

Um Kylie? Your armpits look like...vajayjays. NOT good.

Love, Sarah

I heart Ringo

Going to a Beatles cover band at House of Blues tonight. Should be fun - although wondering if the crowd will all be people my parents' age. Not that there's anything wrong with that. :)

Toddlers and Tiaras. Why God why.

This show sucks me in, and the only word to describe it is TRAINWRECK. Here's two more: WHITE TRASH. (Apologies to any pageant peeps out there.)

I stayed at a hotel in Austin once during a baby beauty pageant and it was so bizarro. Of course I got sucked into watching them parade on stage in the conference room, but was able to tear myself away after an unfortunate rendition of "9 to 5." All these girls and their moms were roaming the halls in rollers and full make-up - and those fake teeth! Flippers, I think they're called?? Wow. Just wow.

Maybe I'm just jealous that these 4-year-olds are tanner than me and have better teeth. Humph.

Real Housewives...really???

Now Danielle Staub is recording a song?? Have we learned nothing from the tragedies of "Don't be Tardy for the Party" and "Money Can't Buy You Class?" (And apparently Gretchen of RH-OC recorded a song but it must have been so bad it never even made it to Perez Hilton.)
Hell - with the prevalence of Auto Tune these days, even *I* could release a single. Maybe TI could lay down some beats. He's still in prison, right? What the hell else does he have to do?

Trial run on yet another free online dating site (thanks, Lisa)

Signed up for something called Zoosk(?) yesterday. Have already received like 20 emails, all from guys that I will not be writing back. One poor puppy was 5'5". Most have "some college" (not that there's anything wrong with that). And one guy, under "previous marriage," wrote "I'll tell ya later." SCORE.

SATC: my analysis

No bueno. It was not as horrible as I was expecting, but there were plenty of groan-worthy moments that made me question A. the writers and 2. the acting ability. And how much make-up were the four women wearing?! I felt like they were trying to mask the signs of aging, and it just made it worse. Whatever. Jason Lewis and John Corbett almost made up for it. Almost.

My favorite picture ever.

I really don't even need to comment on this, for its sheer greatness shines through, but it was senior year of college, before our sorority's 70s mixer. Everyone looked super cute in minis and go-go boots (like Olivia, on the left) - and then there's me. In my baby blue polyester leisure suit. LOVE. IT. And now it is more clear why I never had a boyfriend (or even a date) in college. Just look at me. HA!!

I heart Mexico.

Just booked a trip to Can-freaking-cun. It's no Greece, but it'll do. So psyched to do nothing but lay like broccoli for 4 days with a fruity frozen beverage in one hand and an Us Weekly in the other. Swim-up bar? Check. All-inclusive resort? Check. Getting kidnapped and not having to come back to my job? Not gonna check it, but really wouldn't mind.

Reminds me of the last time I was at the beach, in Destin two years ago. My bottom lip got so sunburned (shocking, I know) that it blew up like a trout pout. It was the closest I will probably get to having restalyne injections, and I have to say, it looked GOOD. I couldn't stop checking myself out in the mirror and putting lip gloss on it. And then it burst. Bye-bye, pretend plastic surgery.

Look out, 'Coon. (Does anyone actually call it that? Maybe offensive?) I'm comin' for ya.

And another thing

What is up with the almost illegible font and often odd word choice of the words you have to type in to be able to post things on blogs, etc.? 85% of the time I am literally making it up. Sometimes it works, but most of the time I have to try again. Which is embarassing. But again - not sure why they make it so hard...humph.

Bachelorette, episode 2

Okay. Some of these guys are seriously FREAKSHOWS. Craig M was hot, but def. had the crazy eyes. And def. was not into Ali (whose laugh is soooo grating on my nerves, btw). Peculiar Jesse is nice enough but doesn't say squat. And weatherman has GOT to go. Poor dude in his Speedo with the floatie around his waist?! Aw. Still rooting for Cape Cod and Hunter - my dark horse.

Also - Ali needs to hack off those heinous hair extensions. Oof.

But god this is good TV.

SATC

Despite the horrific reviews, going to Sex and the City 2 tonight with the girls. I don't care about the plot, anyway - I go for the outfits. And is it bad that I feel I have to look CUTE to see this movie?! Probably. :)

Stupid pick-up in front of me

ARGH. A rock flew off the pick-up in front of me on 75 this morning and chipped a nice hole in my windshield. Sad face. :( I feel so ghetto driving around like that that I'm going to have to get it fixed at lunch. ASAP. Again, stupid freaking pick-up.

My sea legs should be revoked

Went out on my friend Jill's amazeballs little boat yesterday. It's a vintage boat restored from the 70's, red with a white stripe and white leather seats...very James Bond/Charlie's Angels. I was loving life until we dropped anchor. In my defense, even Jill said it was a "rough" day on the water. My stomach felt the same. I managed to keep it together for a few more hours as we floated in the lake, although every time a wave would roll by my stomach would gurgle. Finally I had had enough sun (have a LOVELY burn today to prove it), and we started heading back in. But my stomach took a stand, and I puked five times over the side of the boat. Once in front of a group of about 25 girls and guys, who started cheering because I'm sure they thought I had partied a little too hard. Sadly, I was totally sober. And embarassed. Who gets seasick on a damn lake? THIS guy.

Reminded me of the last time I got seasick, on an ill-fated whale watch that I took my brother on when he visited me in Boston. Another "rough" day at sea (what is the DEAL?!), which meant they went out an extra hour in search of whales. Trying to be proactive, I had taken several Dramamine before we left, but started to feel bad about 20 minutes into the 5 hour (!) nightmare. I don't know if any of you have ever been seasick, but you really just want to die. There's no end in sight - I was praying we would hit an iceberg and sink, to be honest. So I made my way to the back of the boat, trying to get wind in my face. Leaning over the rail, I accidentally put my hand in someone ELSE'S puke. And....scene. I vomited like 7 times (including puking up the Dramamine tablets, still in tact) and then just sat down with my head between my knees. (My brother was passed out somewhere inside the boat, also feeling like death.) I remember finally hearing the captain say "there are some whales on the left-hand side..." and at that point I really couldn't have cared less. Dry. Land. Now. After what seemed like an eternity, we FINALLY docked. I swear some people cheered - everyone's faces were that sickly green. As I stumbled off the boat, I was behind an elderly couple. I overheard the man say, "Honey, would you like a t-shirt from the gift shop?" And she replied, "I want NO memories of this." Amen, sister. My brother and I LITERALLY kissed the ground when we got off.

So I probably won't be marrying into the Kennedy clan anytime soon, what with their affinity for sailing and all. Unless I can just wait patiently on shore, rocking a captain's hat.